Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Tired of Being

 

I am sick. I don't feel well. I went to the dentist yesterday for a simple root canal. The dentist had trouble drilling out one of my roots. Anyway, it hurt. It hurt a lot. It also triggered an autoimmune response. I got a fever on 101, and my whole body hurt. I was supposed to work yesterday, and I was prepared to work, but I couldn't. I was in pain. So I called out. Mistake #1. I woke up very dizzy today, and had blood coming from my left ear. I was very dizzy and confused. I could barely speak I was so tired. So, I called out again. Mistake #2. I called the doctor and made an appointment for today. Mistake #3. Why was that a mistake, because the doctor didn't see anything, that's why. No blood, no infection, no problem with my ear. I am now sitting here questioning my sanity and seriously considering my life and where it is going. 

I am sick, but no one seems to believe me when I don't feel well. Not my family, not the doctors no one. Ok, maybe my gastroenterologist believes me as she is the one that diagnosed the sarcoidosis. But no one else. Whenever I see any other doctor, they do bloodwork and say they see nothing wrong. They make me feel like I am making it up when I say I don't feel right. I don't feel well most days, but I convince myself to just go through with the day anyway, even though I really just want to go to bed and sleep for a long time. 

I've been faking it for quite a while now. No one seems to care or notice. I don't know why I seem to care. My sister has never been one to notice if I am sick. She always looks at me and says in a very discouraging tone, what's the matter with you? As if that's going to make me open up and tell her what's wrong. If I tell her I don't know, I get the look. The look that's just saying get it together. No one seems to appreciate the fact that I just get tired of living sometimes. Like now. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of putting on the happy face and the bright tone at work. I would like to have a job where I just didn't have to interact with people. But, I suppose everyone has to interact sometimes. 

When I try to explain what I mean to my family, they are just like, everyone is tired. Everyone feels the same way, but you just have to do it. What if I don't want to just do it? What if I just want to lay down for a while? What if I just drive off into the sun one day and tell you all to go fuck yourselves? What if I do that? Then what will you fucking do? Who you going to blame for all of your problems then if I'm not here to be my old unreliable self? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!! 

Right now, I hate you all and I don't care if you know it. I'm tired and I'm sick. I'm not crazy either. It isn't all in my mind. I've never felt clearer. I'm just tired of being. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Time Moves on

 

Today moved very slowly. But, I had a startling thought today. I have been waiting my whole life. Waiting for what? I don't know, but I always figured I had enough time to figure it out and go for it. Well, it occurred to me today on my fifth trip to the bathroom that I am running out of time. I suppose I should say yesterday, since it's almost 3 am. Today is the 3rd of October. It's eight weeks until Thanksgiving. It may seem far away, but it seems like yesterday that I had my 60th birthday. 

Time is passing me by quickly. What have I been waiting for? I've been waiting for a romantic love. I've never truly been in love despite my attempts at it. Therefore, I've never had a long term relationship. I've been waiting for a family of my own. That's not going to happen because of the cruel biological joke on women called menopause. So, I have cat. She loves me in spite of myself. I love her madly. I've been trying to get my bachelors degree. I haven't been too stagnant about that. I am back in school for the last time. I'm waiting to do things until I have enough money, but unless I am doused with money, that's going to be a long wait. I have so many dreams, like being an actress, but I need money to start. I know I'd be great at it. But, I need help. I've tried to ask Erica, but every time I ask her a question she gets this look on her face that tells me that I am bothering her. 

I was supposed to be going to Italy this year. I made plans for it on my 55th birthday. I am still trying to get out of the state of Georgia. It will cost about $1500 and I currently have $0.57 in my savings account. I owe about $4500 in bills. Every month's rent is a question mark about paying on time. The rest of the bills are kind of pay as I have it. I do have housing instability. 2 paychecks missed and I'm on the street, well maybe a hotel, but still no permanent address. I'm due for my raise soon. It's an additional $500 per month. Maybe I can finally catch up to things. Hopefully, I will. 

The cats go to the vet on Saturday, so I have that to deal with, maybe it won't cost as much as I fear. I do have finally approval on what things are done. Zaybra has a new food, Smalls. It really help clear up her skin. She doesn't scratch as much and her poops are not toxic. The food is expensive, but it's worth it. Zelda doesn't like it. So, she has her own food, Nulo. Kyber is the only one that's not finicky. Don't get me wrong, his food is expensive too. He needs more kibble. All three of them need to get a job. 

Soon, the holidays will be upon us. I'm hoping to get some rest on my days off. I use up my PTO as fast as I earn it. There are some people at work that have 3 weeks accrued. How they can show up everyday is beyond me. I've never been able to do it. Not in my whole life. I've always taken time off at least once or twice a month, even in high school. I keep telling people I was meant to be a housewife. 

I like to think I'm independent. Maybe I was once, but I don't want to be independent. I want to be a dependent. I want someone to claim me on their taxes and expect a clean home, a pretty wife and a hot dinner ready when he comes home. I can do that. I'd be great at that. In the mean while, time waits for no one. I've got maybe 20 years before I croak. I guess I better start living and stop waiting. Before you know it the parade will have passed by and I'll be standing on the corner looking stupid. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Excuse me? I have What?!

 

Well, I finally got all of the results back for all my tests. I do not have fatty liver disease. I do not have NASH or MASH. I do not have cirrhosis of the liver. My liver is not failing or anything stupid like that. What I do have is autoimmune hepatitis and sarcoidosis. I have what? I have sarcoidosis which is an autoimmune disease that causes granulomas to form in mostly connective tissues in your body. For me, these granulomas have formed in my liver. They have triggered an autoimmune response causing me to form antibodies which in turn are attacking my liver. Hence, the chronic hepatitis. 

Is there a cure, well no. I can try to change my diet if I can figure out what triggers the autoimmune response. Sarcoidosis is a chronic nasty little disease that a person can have for years. It normally affects the lungs. So, I need to have a chest x-ray to take a look in my chest cavity to see if any granulomas are forming. 

Since it's an autoimmune disease, I'm seeing a rheumatologists since they deal with it a lot. I found a doctor on Zocdoc that specializes in sarcoidosis. I see her on October 21. I've also been trying to get in touch with the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, FL to see if I can get an appointment for a workup. I have a feeling some of my meds are contributing to some of my problems, and I am not sure if they are all still working for my benefit. For instance, I have been craving chocolate, but not just any chocolate, M&Ms, which do not really raise my blood sugar all that much which is surprising since I've been popping them like, well like candy.  I thinks it's the serotonin and dopamine I'm craving. 

I'm not sure of what kind of treatment I can get if any. The most common treatment is corticosteroids but I can't take steroids because they cause my blood sugar to skyrocket. Dr. Raina mentioned a medication but I couldn't find it. Anyway, she told me to follow up with my PCP or a pulmonologist. I decided to go to a rheumatologist. 

So how do I feel about it? I don't know I was very surprised when I heard the news. I guess I'm glad I don't have some dreaded liver disease, but I'm a little miffed that I have something that will cause me to suffer later on in life. I guess I should admit it. I'm depressed. I didn't do any school work last week, so I failed last weeks quizzes. I should be doing that right now, but I'm having a great deal of motivational issues. I don't really care. Right now I'm more depressed because my eyesight is going downhill. For the past 2 weeks I've had really blurry vision. I can only see if I wear my glasses. It's 2.5 magnification, and without them I can't see the screens and even watching TV is blurry. I got so bad I called my eye doctor and went in for an urgent visit. my right eye is 20/40 and my left eye is 20/70. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it is upsetting. 

I'm turning into an old lady and I'm not ready. My joints pop, and I have mysterious aches and pains. I'm just not ready to deal with my mortality right now. I'd rather live in my bubble of make believe and keep thinking that I'm about 35 years old. Why can't I? 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Come to Me My Melancholy Baby

 

It's been a little over a week since I got my diagnosis. I've had time to sit with it and reflect. What is my reaction to the whole thing? Mostly, it's What the fuck? I have looked over my life and how I have or have not taken care of myself. I think that my 6 suicide attempts and years of taking pills have caught up with me. I have ruined my body's disposal. 

The liver filters out all the toxins in your body. It would seem that I have overloaded the system and caused some liver damage. It's rather ironic, that now that I am content in my own skin and want to do something with my life, I may end up killing myself after all. 

I suppose I could say that the whole thing is bringing me down. On top of that, I haven't been able to keep my blood sugar under control. It's been in the 300s or even 500. I haven't been eating sugar or a lot of carbs, so I don't know what it's from. I'm tired all the time. I think I have a UTI. My bladder hurts, and I have to pee like 10 times a day. As a result, I'm dehydrated. I don't want to see the doctor again. I'm sick of doctors. 

My liver biopsy is scheduled for Sept. 16th. I have to admit I'm nervous. It's not as quick and easy as I thought. They take several pieces of the liver, not just one. Also, I'm going to be sedated. I didn't think it was that complicated. I guess I've been in a bit of denial. 

I keep telling myself that this won't kill me, but the I think of Grandmom and Aunt Berta. Especially Aunt Berta. She got sick so suddenly, and then she was gone. I don't want to die like that. I'd prefer to get killed by a lion. It's my spirit animal, so I feel it would be appropriate. 

I've had enough of this day already and it's on 6 am. Today is going to be a melancholy day. I wish I could take the day off. I just want to stay in bed. Oh, I met someone on Tik Tok. At least I think I've met someone. He may be a bot. I'm not quite sure. But that's another conversation. 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Now I know

 

I had my appointment with my gastroenterologist today. It was my follow up to my lab tests and my Fibroscan that I had done on the 13th. The long and short of it. I have stage 2 liver disease. I am having a liver biopsy in a couple of weeks to determine the extent of liver damage. So, there it is. I have my answer to all this terrible aches and pains and the horrible fatigue. 

After six months of doctor visits and experiencing abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and fever, during which time I was told countless times they didn't see anything, I finally have a diagnosis. So, I feel a great deal of relief. I am not crazy. There is something wrong with my body. Not only do I have liver disease, but my body is making antibodies that are attacking my liver cells. Which means I have an autoimmune disease. 

So let's add it all up, shall we? I have bipolar disease, anxiety disorder, insomnia, diabetes 2, irritable bowel syndrome, high blood pressure and now liver disease. I must tell you, I'm a little miffed. I'm not exactly sure what to do. Diabetics have a special diet, bowel issues have a special diet, and now liver disease has a special diet. I've been eating fruits and vegetables, but that's not too great for my diabetes because fruits have sugar, I can't eat a lot of protein because my body can't process it correctly. I'm just going to live on rice crispies and bananas. But I don't think I can do that. Maybe I'll just start smoking again! Sike!! I wouldn't do that. I really have to call the dietician so I can figure out what to eat. Right now, seems all I can manage is toast. I can't even eat butter anymore, I have to use Earth Balance spread. It's good so I'm not complaining. 

I think I'm still in shock a bit. The liver biopsy is just a routine procedure to get a better idea of the next steps in treatment. I have to wait until the hospital calls to schedule the appointment, which won't be until Tuesday or so, because it's Labor Day weekend. My sister, God Bless her, researched the procedure and sent me a video. It did ease some of my anxiety. I told April, Erica, Sean and Jerald about it. I also sent a text to or family matriarch, Aunt Delores. My brother asked for clarification, but haven't heard much from Erica or Sean. I'm going to call my Aunt Gloria tomorrow. I posted on Facebook, and all my friends are praying for me. So, that's nice. 

Oh well, so now I know. I'm glad I know, but with it came questions of my mortality. The doctor told me I'm on tracked for cirrhosis in 3.9 years which then leads to failure. However, the time table isn't exact. Anyway, I think I'll go watch something stupid on TV. Something to get me out of my head. I'm listening to music right now. Too bad it's dark outside already. I'd like to go for a walk. 

This isn't exactly what I wanted for my 60th birthday. I gotta hurry and save my coins. I need to get to Italy sooner rather than later. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: If I was a Man, It'd be a Different Story

 

So, I was sick again last week. Same old Abdominal pain and nausea. I put up with it on Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. I had to take off early because I was sick and pissed off at the world. My calls were suffering. I could not have cared less about those phones if I tried. 

Thursday, I ended up in the Emergency room because I felt terrible and I had a slight fever, and my fingers were slightly yellow. Anyway, after 2.5 hours in the ER, I came home no better and more pissed off. They did a urinalysis, negative. They ran blood tests, on of my liver enzymes was elevated but other than that, negative. The did a CT scan, didn't see anything. Now, mind you I told them about my family history. But, as I was told, we didn't see anything that would be causing your pain. Okay, so I'm just some lonely, crazy old black lady. There's nothing wrong with me. Okay, so this abdominal pain is nothing, my breaking into a sweat for no apparent reason is nothing. My being extremely cold and then hot as hell is nothing. My insomnia is nothing. The fact that my mother went undiagnosed for 6 months before you found her tiny adenocarcinoma in her gut is nothing. The fact that my Aunt Berta's liver just gave up and quit on her for no apparent reason is nothing. 

I know I'm overweight. I know I have diabetes, and God knows I know I'm bipolar. But I'm not just going through menopause. There is something wrong in my gut. I'm tempted to go to the Mayo Clinic and get  work up, but I can't afford it money or time wise right now. If I get a full workup and nothing is found, then I'll just chaulk it up to me being nuts. But, right now I have acid reflux. I think I some pills around here somewhere. 

If I were a man, they would have done more for me. If I had someone with me, they might have done more. But as it stands, I'm just a hysterical female. Sexism in medical care is nothing new. It's been happening since the beginning of medicine. Women were just thought to be the weaker sex, and prone to hysteria. They really and truly used to send women to the doctor and a doctor would bring them to orgasm, and suddenly the women would be released from their emotional turmoil. Until the next appointment anyway. I try to be my own advocate. But I'm just so tired of everything. 

I don't see the gastroenterologist until the 29th. so I have to wait until then to find out the results of all my scans and tests etc. She'll probably tell me some bullshit. Lose weight, exercise, blah blah. That's all well and good, but what does that have to do with this pain? I wish someone would tell me something. Shit, tell me anything. Just don't say there's no reason for my pain. If I were a man, it would be different. If I was a man, I'd have a complete workup. If I were a man, they'd listen. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Happy Birthday, Queen

 

Enough with all my aches and pains! Today is a day for celebration. Today is my birthday. I am 60 years old at 1:20 pm. I was delivered by scheduled c-section at Parkview Hospital in Philadelphia, PA. That means something to astrologers. I know that I am a true Leo. 

So, what have I learned in my 60 years of life. Well, for one thing, I am most certainly enough. In fact, I am a lot, more than enough. I'm finally doing things that benefit me, and taking care of myself. While, I still do things for others, I am no longer the people pleaser starving for attention and love. I have learned, especially the last 5 years, that I am a caring, compassionate, loving, kind and intelligent human being. I have learned to give for my own satisfaction, no longer for expectation. I have learned that kindness, even in it's simplest expression can have a real impact on someone's day. I have ;earned to share my joys with the world through actions. Don't get me wrong, I am still a dreamer and wisher of things, but those things no longer consume me. I am grateful now. 

I didn't used to be grateful. I was angry and worried. I was angry at the world for constantly throwing obstacles in way. I would wallow in self-pity and fall into depression. My anxieties would overcome me and paralyzed with fear, I would do nothing. I blamed the world for that. My worries would take me down dark roads full of fear and mistrust. I didn't trust anyone especially not myself. I hated being alone. I was waiting for the proverbial knight on his gallant steed to gallop in and rescue me from my life. Needless to say, he never came. I had to rescue myself. 

It was a hard lesson to learn, but a necessary one. Without learning to love, honor and cherish myself, I am sure I would be dead. I say that in all seriousness. There were times that I wanted to die. I tried to snuff out my existence. I was a truly miserable person. The enemy was winning. 

However, I had to crawl out of that deep dark hole. It took everything I had. It took years of falling backward, and crawling forward to make it out, but I finally did. It was purely by the grace of God that I am alive. I acknowledge that. I know that he has some kind of purpose for my life. So, I took a vow, I would remain here on earth and try my best. God will show me what he wants me to do, and I will follow. It's quite simply a matter of faith. I never had faith before. I do now. 

I normally have a name for the year of my birth or the new year. I didn't name 2025. But I will name the remainder of 2025 for my birthday. It is The Year of Actuality. It is the year that all of my dreams and hopes will begin to take shape and I will live my life accordingly. I am, for example, not no longer wishing I had my degree, I am pursuing it. I am no longer hoping for a promotion, but am making strides to get it. I am actually writing a book, instead of dreaming about writing. Albeit, the one book is taking a long time, I recognize that I am telling my truth, and that takes time. It will get done this year, and it will great. 

I call myself a queen. It is not out of arrogance. It is a matter of necessity. I am a queen. I have no king, but that's okay. He'll come eventually. I'm ready. I ready for all kinds of adventures. I need to get my passport. I've decided to go to Italy after I graduate. It is my gift to myself. I will probably go alone. Who knows, I might meet a dashing Italian man. HA! There goes my imagination again. Oh well, at least I haven't lost the ability to dream. 

Happy birthday, Queen. Many happy returns. May the next 365 days be all that you hope and wish for. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Do I Really Want to Know?

 

So, I went to the doctor. This was a visit to my primary care doctor, not one of my specialists. I had my visit to my gastroenterologists a week or so ago. She had prescribed Linzess as I now have irritable bowel syndrome on top of everything else. I saw my primary doctor because I got sick for  week, and I wasn't feeling to great. She ran a bunch of blood tests. 

I got the results from my enhanced liver profile that my gastroenterologist ordered. It was not good. I had a score of 11.94. Which is a number that basically means my liver function is not good. I have something called a Fibroscan on Wednesday. 

My primary doctor ordered an ultrasound of my abdomen which I had done this past Friday. It went okay except that it hurt when they pressed down on the area of my liver. It feels enlarged or something. That part of my belly sticks out. Anyway, I started looking things up and the possibilities kinda suck. I could have liver cancer, that's the worst case scenario. I definitely have fatty liver disease. However, I may have something called MASH, which is a metabolic dysfunction of the liver. It causes all of the symptoms I've been having. I have to change my diet and lose weight. So, what else is new? It may have progressed to the cirrhosis stage. I'm sure I have liver damage. The scan on Wednesday will indicate how much. Hopefully the ultrasound I had on Friday will help diagnose my illness as well. 

I am not too happy about all this because Aunt Berta wasn't sick until she was in liver failure. A month or so later she died. Grandmom died from hepatic failure as well. So, liver disease runs in my family, so I am plenty nervous. I felt pretty good today, but I still got tired just doing some run of the mill chores like my laundry. I am feeling pretty detached lately. Part of it is the fact that I am turning 60 next Sunday, but mostly I've been thinking of my mortality. 

April finds out if she definitely has Parkinson's on Monday afternoon. She has all the markers for it. I think it's just a matter of finding out what stage she is. She's probably in middle of stage 1. At least I hope so. God only know what stage of liver disease I'm in right now. 

Life is kicking our asses right now. But still I'm trying to keep my head up. I didn't get any emails or anything telling me I've been fired, and I sent my supervisor my note from the doctor. I guess I'll find out more on Monday. I want to post for the advocate class. Arlita reminded me that I took level 1 and 2 calls when I was on the ERS team. I know I can handle it. I just have to keep my ass in the desk chair everyday. I'll post on Monday. I need the money. 

Well, I guess that's all. So much is happening right now, it's kind of overwhelming. That would normally have me hiding in bed watching the Flintstones. However, I made a promise to myself and my family that I wouldn't give up. So here I am all persevering and shit. 

I am supposed to hear about my labs this week. But with all the possible outcomes, it will most likely be bad news. So,  I ask myself, do I really want to know? Not really. What I really want is to win the Powerball. That and to talk to my mom. Mostly my mom. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Something is Wrong with Me

 

There's something wrong with me. I've been sick for the past 4 days. I had these weird red spots in the back of my throat. I started gargling with warm salt water and taking ibuprofen and cold medicine, but I haven't gotten any better. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I had a fever of 100.5. While I know that's not trip to the emergency room, I don't get fevers. I've been so cold, but sweating like a pig at the same time, especially at night. The worse thing is the body aches and the fatigue, the overwhelming, debilitating fatigue. 

I spent all of Sunday and Monday in bed trying to rest. My throat isn't scratchy, and my nose isn't running. So, it's not a cold or sinus infection. I don't know what it is. I saw my endocrinologist yesterday, and I got a prescription for a z-pack. I've been taking it, but it is giving me diarrhea. My stools are black, so I think I've got some bleeding going on. 

I see my primary care doctor tomorrow, and I made a list of all my symptoms. Incredibly, that horrible back pain I had a couple of weeks ago has gone away. I don't know why. This keeps happening to me. Whatever is going on, I'm going to find out. I want tests run. I looked up my symptoms, and leukemia came up. So, I'll have a blood test. Maybe I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I should have gone to the doctor today, but I thought I'd be able to work today, but my throat is not right. 

It doesn't matter. The gruesome twosome will be mad at me anyway. I don't get much sympathy or compassion when I am sick. My appetite is gone. I've eaten maybe once or twice a day for the past 2 weeks. 

They probably won't find anything wrong with me. They'll just pass it of as depression or something. I mean I am crazy, right? 

I'm so tired. But I can't sleep. I took my meds last night and threw up. My head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. 

There's definitely something wrong. I wish there was a way I could go into the hospital for a few days for them to figure out what my problem is. But that would be too much like right. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: And So It Begins

 

The results of my sister's tests came back. She has Parkinson's disease. So, there it is. My sister, who just turned 65 on Wednesday has been diagnosed with a cruel, debilitating disease. She sees her neurologist on Monday, so she will get more information at that time. In the meantime, I have been Googling. The information is scary. 

I must admit, however, I haven't read too much, because I'm trying to wrap my head around this news. I have a lot of questions. I want to go to the doctor with her. I want to know what stage she is in, what to expect and when to expect it. The scariest part is the hallucinations and delusions that come with the disease. Then there is the lost of motor function, which has already started. I fear that I am watching my sister decline. It's been a quick decline. Six months ago, she was fine. 

I'm not sure how all of this is going to change things. What if her health declines faster and she is no longer able to work? Will this make me the breadwinner? Will Erica have to be her mom's care giver? How will that work? Will she have to go on disability? What happens if she does start having delusions and hallucinations? 

We need to move and pronto. I don't know when or how exactly, but we have to get out of this apartment this year. I'd like to stay in Johns Creek, but at this point I don't really care. 

On top of this, Erica's boss cut her overtime hours. She now works 8:30 to 5 pm. She used to work 8 to 6pm. That hour and a half adds up on a paycheck. They are going to be posting Customer Advocate positions at Delta, which is the level 2 position I've been gunning for the past 2 years. I told my boss that I'm ready to begin training. As soon as they open the position to internal employees, I'm posting. 

I had my phone meeting with the social security admin yesterday. It was a pointless waste of time. It took all of 5 minutes. She just told me that they wouldn't waive my overpayment and I had to set up payment arrangements. Anyway, I'm going to pay back $50 monthly. They don't bill or garnish your wages, so they will deduct the money from any future benefits. So, if I go back on disability, they will deduct it. I guess when I do or if I ever am able to retire, they deduct it from that payment also. 

I now have something in my throat. I went to the dentist for my cleaning. While she was examining me, she noticed some red spots on the back of my throat. There are about 10 red dots there. I figure that it's just an infection, so I got some cold medicine and have been gargling with warm salt water. Unfortunately, they are still there. I have some left over antibiotics so I'm taking that for the next few days to see if that helps. If it doesn't I guess it's off to the ENT. It's always something. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am just one of those people who are meant to struggle. It is a constant battle just to keep going and maintain some sense of positivity. I've been adjusting my attitude at work and it does seem to be helping. My day isn't so miserable anymore. But then again, I don't look at the future much. It's not a good thing for me. 

Right now my phone is acting stupid. I keep losing my internet connection. So, it's difficult to stream. I have to constantly reset my network. Like I said it's always something.   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Everybody's Talkin' at Me

 

Seems everybody wants me to prove something lately. I have to prove to the government that I'm still crazy. I also have to prove that I can't afford to pay back Social Security the thousands that they say they overpaid me. I have to prove to the student loan people that I'm able to go back to school part-time. I have to prove to the apartment people that Kyber and Zelda are emotional support animals. Most of all I have to prove to myself that I can do this and remain focused. 

I'm always having to prove something to someone. Why does one have to keep proving disability for a mental illness? It's not like I'm going to be cured. I mean, bipolar sleeps sometimes, and then one day, BAM! You're crying hysterically in the shower trying to justify to yourself that it's necessary to wash your body. It takes me no less than a half hour every single fucking day to convince myself to take a shower. I have to talk myself into brushing my teeth. There's no one here to convince me, I have to do it myself. After I'm done, I have to take a cat nap. 

It's the same with eating. I hate eating actually. I get hungry but I hate eating. I hate cooking because by the time I finish, I don't want whatever it is I was cooking. It takes at least a half hour to decide I'm going to eat, and longer still if I am trying to eat something healthy. I think the only thing I do automatically is make my bed. I conditioned myself to make my bed as soon as I get up to prevent getting back in the bed and writing off the day as a major mistake. So, I do it. 

Everything is a chore lately. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm not depressed, but I'm lying. The truth is I'm tired. I'm tired of tryin. I'm tired of praying. I don't want to be an adult anymore. I just want to sleep late, drink coffee and go shopping. Why is that so wrong? Whose idea was this adult thing anyway? Why do we have to grow up and get jobs? Why is that the goal? Who invented society and why does society get to dictate who and what I am? 

There was a time in history when people like me would go away for a while to a nice place where they could rest away from the hustle and bustle that is life. We suffer from melancholia. I could use a place like that now. I talk to a therapist everyday, I'd take walks by a lake and rest on a lounge chair under a tree. Why can't I do that? Why does every Sunday night find me in front of my laptop typing away my anxieties about facing another day and week at a job I can't stand. When will things change? 

I have important decisions to make. People are looking at me and calling me asking for answers. I don't have any answers. I can't think that far ahead anymore. It hurts when I do. I just wish everyone would leave me alone. Stop talking, and pressuring and asking. The truth is I don't know. I don't know what, when or why. So, please stop talking at me. One day I hope to retreat into the fantasies in my mind where everything is quiet, and cool. Just a slight breeze, fragrance in the air and me by a tree next to a lake.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Queen of Pain

 

Well, another sleepless night. I woke up in severe pain this morning. My back spasms have gotten worse and I am experiencing the most pain I have ever had. It's centered in my thoracic spine. Somehow I managed to make it through my work day. I was popping Tylenol and had a heating pad for a while. I was in the bathroom when I found the lidocaine patches. I put one of those on and survived the day. It hurts to move in any way. I can sit in the chair with a firm pillow behind me. I dug out my old back brace to give me some support. It's helping a little bit. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide if I should talk to Dr. Ayer or seek the counsel of a new doctor who also specializes in pain management. I'm leaning towards calling the new doctor. She's here in Johns Creek and is supposed to be very good. Plus, she's black, which means I may not be dismissed as just another female with pain. Of course a new doctor means new x-rays and perhaps another MRI, but I don't care. The pain is quickly becoming unbearable. I can see why some people get so desperate. While suicide has not crossed my mind, I can understand why people do it. 

I have always told myself that I wouldn't take narcotics over a long period for fear of addiction, but things are at the point now where I may consider it. The lack of sleep and agonizing pain is getting to me. It hurts to walk. Every step jars my spine in such a way as to cause sharp pains in my back. I'm not sure of what to do. I hope that I don't get shuffled off for more physical therapy. The pain is so bad that I am seriously considering more surgery. I wish there was such a thing as a spine transplant. 

As look back, I have been in chronic pain since 2012. That's 13 years of sometimes crippling pain. I'm tired. I get at most 4 hour of sleep a night. It's taking a toll on my mental state. I'm currently dealing with April's illness, and money stress, work stress and this constant soul crushing pain. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to be the queen of pain. I don't have time for this shit. School starts in 3 weeks. I have to be ready. I want my degree. 

Oh well, I guess that's all for now. I'm just here, plugged in and listening to my music. Right now that's Annie Lennox radio on Pandora. It's a good mix. It's stimulating and relaxing at the same time. Poor Zelda has been up with me all night. She's napping next to my computer. She really wants to be on my chest or my lap, but even her 12 pounds is too heavy for me. I've had to shove her off of me several times tonight. I'm so sorry Pud Pud. Hopefully, I'll feel better in a few hours. Time for more Tylenol. 

Peace - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Good Girl

 

My sister has been sick this weekend. I automatically kicked in with my old trauma response. This house is clean. All the laundry has been done. All the dishes have been washed, and the bathroom is sanitized. While I know this doesn't sound that unusual for me, the sense of urgency that these tasks have been completed is out of the ordinary. I am cleaning purely out of anxiety. I started having flashbacks.

When I was growing up, my mom was sick a lot. She had depressive episodes, and psychotic episodes quite often during my childhood. When I was little, I did my best to be a good girl and stay out of the way. When I got older, I cleaned the house, did laundry and did my very best is school. I was driven to be a very good girl and keep everything in order. It was the only way I could manage my anxiety. I figured that if everything was neat and tidy on the outside, it would help my mother maintain herself on the inside. Of course, things didn't work out that way, but what is a kid supposed to do when she's not even sure what the problem is? 

I think if we had been told, well, make that if I had been told that my mom had a mental illness I would have been better able to handle the chaos going on around me. I'm sure I would have looked up schizophrenia in the library and learned what to expect. It would have helped me recognize that her illness was not because of me, but a chemical imbalance in her brain and her symptoms were the result of those chemicals being out of whack. Instead, I was left on my own to try and figure out what was going on, and like most children, I thought that what was happening with my mother was my fault. I thought she didn't like me. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough or good enough. So, I went out of my way to be good, and quiet, and neat. 

Well, since my sister got sick a month or so ago, these feelings have been coming back. I have to keep the apartment clean and orderly in order to keep the chaos in my head in check. If the house  is messy, then I can't function. Things being out of place leave me discombobulated. My anxiety rises to the level of panic, then I completely fall apart. I had been managing okay for quite a while, but now all those old fears are bubbling up again. What if April gets really sick? What if she becomes disabled or worse, what if she dies? What will I do? Who will look out for me? Who will help Erica and Sean deal with the loss of their mom? I can't do it. I won't be able to. I barely made it through when my parent died. 

So, here I am again. The little girl inside woke up from her slumber and is feeling lost and abandoned once more. The only way to calm her down is to put everything away, and make sure everything is clean and organized. I guess this is something I should speak to my therapist about now that it is apparent that's what's going on. I'm so tired and my body aches. NO amount of Tylenol is helping. I'm in chronic pain. My sister will be 65 on the 30th. I hope she is well by then. I think I'll go sit in the care and cry for a while. I can't let anyone know that I am upset, it will make them upset. I must keep it together in front of others. I must be a good girl. 

Peace- BB 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Am I a Good Neighbor?

 

Today is Sunday, I was having back spasms last night, so I slept on the couch again. I have not spent a single night in my bed all week. In any event, I woke up early. Zelda was on my chest, and the Lord smacked me on the head and said get up and go to early mass. So, I did. I fed Zaybra, got dress and off to church I went. 

I had my breakfast and coffee so I was awake this morning. Today's homily was about being a good neighbor. Today's reading was from Luke chapter 10: 25-37, The parable of the Good Samaritan. All that God wants us to do is love him with all our hearts and minds and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Some people ask "Who is my neighbor?" Well, to my way of thinking my neighbor is anyone I should happen to come across or speak to during the course of a day. That includes everyone. All of mankind is my neighbor. I am to love all people as myself. That's simple enough to follow. 

However, some people make it very difficult to love them. There are some people in this world I would not miss or bat an eyelash if they were to suddenly keel over dead. That's not a kind way to think, I know, but it is true. Additionally, the world is so chaotic and so cruel, that most people mind their own business. This results in people not coming to the aid of their countrymen. This is especially true of the homeless. So many are on the streets, and they are avoided as if they have some dreaded disease. Which in a sense they do. The have the disease of poverty which strikes fear in the hearts of most people. I know I should help, but it is fear that keeps me away. I know this is fear, because it is one of my greatest fears. I am but 2 paychecks away from the street. I could live in my car I guess. But there it is. Instead of showing compassion and thinking there but for the grace of God go I; I walk right by avoiding eye contact. That is my sin. 

I do help my neighbor when I can. I rarely have any money, but I try to help. I've given blood, platelets, donated to a few charities. However, when it comes to giving myself in person, I am lacking. I keep trying to find something to do, but I just don't put forth much effort. So, I guess in some respects I am a good neighbor, but I could really do better. I have to schedule another platelet donation, and find somewhere to volunteer my time. 

Deacon John closed his homily with the theme from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you please be my neighbor? It struck me that Mr. Rogers was truly talking about the good Samaritan. He's asking us all to be good neighbors, to look to each other with compassion and love. So, will you please be my neighbor? 

Peace, Joy, Love- BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: New Chapter

 

They say that your life is like a novel. Each phase is a chapter of your life. So, if that's true, the gothic novel that is my life is entering a new phase. I am going back to school. I know I have said this before, and I have gone back to school on a few occasions. However, this time I did not go with the intent of starting a new career or learning something totally different. This time I decided to pursue a degree that actually means something to me and I'm good at it. 

I will be attending Georgia Southern University starting on August 13th. I am seeking my bachelor degree in English believe it or not. Why English? Well, for one thing, it is a lost language to my way of thinking. To hear people speak nowadays is horrifying. The lack of basic grammar and pronunciation is astounding. Vocabulary is staggeringly absent. If you ask most people what a synonym is, they will say it is a sticky bun. It's astonishing. 

But it is not only my love for proper English, which I admit I don't always use, that calls me in this direction. I love to write. I love putting my words together in a cohesive manner that stimulates the imagination. I love making my stories sound lyrical and intriguing. I am an English nerd. I owe it all to my high school English teachers, Diane Fimiano, Barbara Speece, and Dr. Betty Falkensten. Those three ladies opened up my mind and spirit to embrace a nicely constructed sentence, and the obscure vocabulary word. However, I can't go without acknowledging my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Robinson who introduced me to the Chronicles of Narnia. Blew my mind!! We had a story hour then, and she would select a book to read to us. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is the first book that ever set my mind on fire. I was ignited to a love of reading. I would spend hours in the library reading the synopses of books to see if they stimulated the colors of my imagination. If they did, I would check them out and take them home for a week of reading. Some were classics and award winners. Others were just novels that captured my interest. I would take out 5 or 6 books a week. 

As I grew older, I still spent time at the library. I would sit and read a chapter before checking the book out. I don't know what reading level I had, but it was pretty high. I read young adult, adult and like I said some classics. I never made a list of the books that I wanted to read. I just started at the beginning of the alphabet in the fiction section an worked my way through until I found my 6 books and took them home. 

This continued until the bipolar got the better of me. It ruined concentration and comprehension for me for quite a while, and sometimes I still struggle. I don't go to the library anymore. It got to be too overwhelming. But lately, with school on the horizon, my interest in reading has risen once again. '

I have 2 classes this semester, English 2100, and History 2110. We'll be reading some classics in my English class and writing essays, etc. I'm looking forward to it. It may actually be fun. Plus I will have something to do in my spare time. I should graduate in about a year. I think so, anyway. I'll need to check my schedule.  In the meantime it's back to the old grind at Delta. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Nice Date, No Sparks

 

So, I finally had a date. I had been talking to a new guy named Robert. We talked on the phone a few times and he made me laugh. We made arrangements to meet at the Barnes & Noble around halfway between our 2 houses. We each drove around 35 minutes to Cumberland. I had never been there before so I was kind of nervous, but I figured I'd look around for a book, and maybe we could go to the cafe and talk. 

Well, I got dressed, and smelled good. Put some makeup on, and took the time to look cute. Him, not so much. He looked like he had just got finished cutting his grass, which I think he did. For some reason, he dropped his car off at the repair shop to get new tires and alignment. He walked to the bookstore in 93 degree heats, so he smelled a little sweaty. He had on loose gray Bermuda shorts, and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. There was no effort to look nice. He kind of looked like he was running errands and stop off to meet me while he was getting his car repaired. Needless to say, I was not impressed. I was so hopeful. Because I am a nice woman, I spent a few hours with him. I did get a book at the store, and then drove us over to the food court at the mall across the street. We got lunch and talked. He's nice and very funny, but he talks fast and a LOT. I didn't get a chance to talk much, not that I had a lot to say. Anyway, while he was talking, I noticed he was missing a front tooth!!!! Strike 2!! After lunch, we walked around the mall and talked some more. It was okay. I was not my outgoing friendly self. There weren't any sparks, no chemistry. It's like we've been married for 40 years and we go to the mall. 

Anyway, he walked me to my car and we said good bye. I called to let him know I got home okay and he was still waiting for his car. He said he'd call when he got home, but he never did. I thought about calling him, but I decided I am the one who should be pursued, so I didn't. I haven't heard from him today. I can't say I'm sorry. I got more satisfaction cleaning the bathroom today. I am now doing laundry. I was thinking about things while I was at the Walmart. I don't think I'll see him again as I didn't feel anything. I don't think he did either. I would just be going out with him to date someone, and I'd rather not. So, back to the dating site. I got a message from some guy named Sergio, but I had to block him because he came across as a dating scammer with his rush to romantic talk. I've played that game before so no thanks. 

There were a couple of other guys I messaged that I may talk to again. I'll have to take another look. I think I might try a white guy. More chance of romance. Seems most of the black guys are too sexual and predatory. I just want a nice date somewhere. Robert could have taken me to see Jurassic Park, but he saw it with his brother!!!!! What a boob. Anyway, on to the next guy. At least I got lunch. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Monster Within

 

Okay, so things fell apart for me today. It actually started last week, when I was having a hard time at work. I have said often that I don't like my job. Then with April being home sick for a week, I was quite upset on the inside. I started thinking all sorts of things. Now that she's being evaluated for Parkinson's disease, things got dark very quickly. 

My mind basically took off on a tangent of negative thoughts and patterns. Needless to say, the sleeping monster, bipolar, woke up with a very bad attitude. This wasn't a case of the blues. Today disintegrated into full blown hysterics. I couldn't breathe, had palpitations, a screaming headache, and diarrhea. I cried miserably for an hour. 

I even thought of harming myself. I thought maybe if I cut, it would make sense of all the chaos in my head. I flirted briefly with taking an overdose. However, those thoughts were swiftly cut down by the thought of going inpatient. I vowed that I would never go inpatient again. The only way I'm going in the hospital is if it's for a medical problem. My days of inpatient mental stays is done. I call my therapist and my psychiatrist. I talked to my therapist a little while ago. Fortunately, she was able to talk me off the ledge. She reminded me that the things I'm going through are mere distractions that are causing me to lose sight of my goals. I've been through these feelings before, and I have the artillery to fight back, so that's what I'm going to do. First thing she had me do is list my distractions. Then she had me come up with 2 positive things. 

1. David ghosted me. While I wasn't in love or fully invested, it hurt my feelings more than I was willing to admit.  

    A. I did have a relationship that would have broken my heart

    B. I'm talking to someone else, and may have a date this weekend. 

2. My sister's health. 

    A. I still have my sister

    B. I can spend more time with her

3. I don't like my job

    A. I have a well-paying job

    B. I have fabulous benefits

4. My own health is declining

    A. I'm not bed-ridden

    B. I have scheduled my wellness screenings this month

All these distractions have pulled my focus away from the things that really matter. I'm going back to school next month as an English major. I will use my degree to climb out this rut I am. I will get a better job with higher pay. Whether it be with Delta or somewhere else. Also, I need to keep pushing to stay positive and on point because I am a boss lady. I also need to get myself together to date effectively. I may have plans with a guy named Robert. He made me laugh this morning. That's a big plus for him. I will not be offering too much information. I will not have sex right away. I'm like a kitten. I will be cautious in my approach until I know someone better. I still have my 4/4/26 folder. I'm just manifesting a different vision. 

I do feel better now. I think I may actually have a good day tomorrow. I'm getting Invisalign. Also, getting a bridge as implants give me the willies. So, better health to me. 

Peace- BB  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Waiting, Watching, and Worrying

 

I know most posts are about me and my reactions to other people. I guess this one is too. But this time it's about my reaction to my my sister. Before you think that this is a rant against April, please rest assured that it is not. Although, I do bitch about her sometimes, I really love my sister and I look to her for advice and support. 

Yesterday, during a very bad day, she was encouraging to me. I wanted to call out because my body was freaking out. I had palpitations, body aches, a churning gut and headaches. But she was like, it'll will be okay, just try to push through. So, I took my migraine medicine, and took breaks when I could. It was rough but I made it through the day. 

We talked a lot yesterday, which was kind of unusual. That's not to say that we don't talk about stuff, but we talked like sisters. We shared some stuff. It reminded me of times that we used to hang out together. We had lunch, listened to the radio (actually it was Pandora on Alexa) and just talked. It was so cool. Then I started thinking about how much I do love her, and how worried I am about her. You see, my sister's health has been in decline this past year. On July 30th, she'll be 65 years old. 

The reason she was home yesterday was that she's in severe pain from a hip issue and that she had a neurology appointment for evaluation for Parkinson's disease. From all of the symptoms that she is displaying, that is the probable diagnosis. She's been home all week. She also had to have some images of her thyroid done because they are looking for something. I don't know why, but the test was brutal for her. She has to have an MRI of her brain and a scan to confirm the Parkinson's diagnosis. She's been to 5 different doctors in the past 2 weeks. I jokingly said to her, welcome to my world. However, I wouldn't wish my world of parading doctors on anyone. Watching her go through all this makes me sad. 

It's causing me to think of her mortality and our future. We are after all considered senior citizens now, even though I still have the mind of a 30 year old. I mean, I still think that I have plenty of time. That is until my body reminds me that I don't. I'll be 60 this year. I maybe have another 20 years left. My dad died at 85, my mother 79. I'm not scared of my mortality or April's but it has occurred to me the past few days that she is declining rapidly and that Erica and I will need to care for her. I've already decided that if I need to, I will take time off with FMLA to care for her. 

Growing old really sucks. Betty Davis was right. Growing old ain't for the weak. This shit will break your spirit. I think that's why people die. Not so much of any particular disease, but because their spirit was broken, and they simply lost the will to fight. I don't know which category my sister is. I'm hoping she is a fighter, but I can tell it's starting to wear her down. The only thing I can do for her is keep going myself, and try not to cause anymore stress. Which means, I need to push through one day at a time, one minute at a time. Other than that it's just a game of waiting, watching and worrying. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Today is NOT the Day

 

Today I hated my life. When I woke up this morning, I hated this apartment, I hated April and Erica, I just hated everything. I hate Mondays as a rule. I would rather work on a Saturday and be off on Sunday and Monday. Today was worse than most. Today I could have punched somebody in the throat. Not for a specific reason, just because they breathe too loud or they have a stupid face. 

The job was brutal today. I failed my quality last week. So now I have 81.50% . Which in some circles would be a B. A respectable grade. But here it is a fail. I hate this score system. I hate the arbitrary way the points are assigned or taken away. Fortunately, it will be changing soon, but it can't come soon enough for me. I hope I last that long. I've been actively seeking another job. I want to do claims processing. I'm tired of the call center and the phone quality bullshit. I know you may think that I hate it because of the quality scores, but it's not. Even people with high scores hate it. 

No one on the team likes their job. It's not like my old team. There was a real sense of teamwork and togetherness. We worked together for a common good. It's not like that anymore. All people on this team do is bitch moan and complain. The supervisor is nice enough, but he's no Angela Clark Smith. I really wanted to do my best for her. I couldn't give a shit about this team. I know Joe said he would help me get ahead, but I have to meet the metrics for 6 months. I've been trying for 3 years. It's clear to me, that it's not going to happen. I hate the callers. Most of the callers are stupid. I always think that they had better not make more money than me. Some of them are actually on the ball. Those are the people I have good conversations with, and hit all my marks. The bullshit of having to say this or that is so incredibly dumb. I mean the only thing that should matter is my customer service and did I answer the questions. 

So today was Not the day to give me grief about my after call work time. I was in ACW for 1 minute 30 seconds and he sends me a message: ACW. I'm like fuck you Joe!!! I'm trying to document the call appropriately. Get off my back!! 

There are so many times today, it took all I can not to quit. I wish I had like 3 months savings so I could quit and not have to worry about it for a month. I usually say I like my job, but I have to stop lying to myself. I hate my job, but like the company. If I could just get to another department. I think I would be okay. I even think I'd be happier back on ERS. Now it's just crap. 

Oh well, I guess that's all 

Peace - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Wisher of Things

 

First things first. I hate to admit it, but I must. It's over. I don't know why, but it is. He had no time. His favorite words: "I'm sorry, but I've just been so busy." Do I hold any ill will. Not really. I guess I put too much faith in him too soon. I'm disappointed and a little hurt. He just stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from since Sunday. I sent a couple of texts, but there wasn't a response. He told me on several occasions that he believed in working for what he wanted. Apparently, he no longer wants me. 

So there you have it. Another imaginary relationship bite the dust. I shouldn't say that. It wasn't imaginary. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm a fabulous catch. I went back on the dating site for a few days, but then paused it because I need to regroup. I'm not changing my wants or desires. What I am changing is my approach. I will no longer put myself out there at once. I will keep things close to the vest and let him pursue me. 

I still have my wish list. It still applies. I still want all those things from my husband. But I will put spending time with me at the top of the list. I've learned my lesson. What are my other wishes for my life? Well, I want a better job. I would like it to be with Delta, but it doesn't have to be. I want to be a claims examiner or an appeals specialist. I mentioned it to my supervisor and he told me he will help me achieve my goals. 

This August, I will start school. I have to check the website to see if my schedule is up and see what classes I'll be taking. Ha ha, I'll be the one whose just too busy to date. Maybe that's why God is holding back on m love life. Maybe I'll meet someone through school, or in another way. I wish I could meet someone in a regular way like at the Kroger or something. It would be cool to meet someone at the Wild Birds Unlimited store. That way we'd have something in common and something to talk about. 

I wish I could afford the things I want. I thought about going on a trip, but I can't afford my passport. I'd like to go to Europe, but they are protesting tourists right now. Everyone is protesting something these days. How about I protest about the my salary. I've joined Actors Access again. I am pursuing my acting career again. I've gotten a couple of availability calls for background work on Tulsa King, but I guess I wasn't right for the part. I'm not a country western girl. I wish I could afford to get a introduction tape made. The movie I was in last year is coming out this fall. It's an independent film by this young kid. I doubt if it's any good, but I'll go to the premiere. Looks like a sparkly pink jacket occasion. 

I can't sleep tonight. It's 2 am, and I haven't slept a wink. I wish I could just fall asleep and stay asleep. I guess I'll call out again for physical therapy. I haven't been feeling too great in the morning. I'm just so tired all the time. I don't really wake up until 11 am. I try taking a shower to refresh myself and stretching. Sometimes it works, but most of the time I'm just as tired as I was the night before, and that's with my sleep mouthguard in my mouth. 

I lost 3 lbs. since last week. I've increased my dosage of Ozempic. I'm hoping to lose 20 lbs. by this time next month. I'll be down to 196. I've been trying to get some exercise too. I wish I could really workout in the morning, but the thought of it makes me nauseous. It would probably help me feel better. I have a well woman visit next Wednesday. I was kind of looking forward to it, but I hate the pelvic exam. But I do need a mammogram. I missed last year's appointment. I had to cancel it, and never rescheduled it. 

Oh well, I guess that's all. Maybe I can sleep now. I'm tired. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Nobody's Little Girl Anymore

 

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I'm not doing anything but watching old movies. I don't celebrate the day, because like Mother's Day, I don't have a father. He's been dead for 4 years. This week was not a good week. I got angry several times and felt the need to reach out to my dad. Then I realized that my anger was towards my father. I haven't felt that in quite a long time. But there it was. I hated my life and everything about it because my father is not here to talk to. 

Please don't tell me he's always with me in my heart and my memories. This week that would have been met with a big "fuck off." I wanted him here, in the flesh and just a phone call away. I just needed a hug, to feel like I did when I was little. I felt safe and warm and loved. I needed that this week. I didn't get it. I got hugs from Erica, but I initiated it. Still she hugged me back, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to hear my father's voice and hear him call me Tinker. 

It doesn't help that the so-called man in my life is not trying to see me or talk to me. He's always too busy. He's aways sorry, but it doesn't change anything. I sent him a text message saying basically that I didn't fault him for having a busy life, but he had to try harder for me. I don't know if I'm done or not. It makes my heart hurt to think that I met this great guy that checks off all the things on my list, but one. I should have put at the top of the list that my husband will always have time for me. I don't think I was too demanding. I even offered to make the trip to his place to hang out. But, I forgot it was Father's Day weekend, so naturally he'll be with his kids and grandkids. Even still he didn't even suggest a day. I got no response. So, I guess I'm done. I am sad about it. I really like him. 

So what's it like to be an orphan in your 50's. It sucks. It hurts to lose one's parents no matter the age one might be. I don't go to church on the holidays for mothers, fathers or grandparents. I just don't want to hear the sympathy in people's voices or look at the pitying looks on their faces. 

I wish heaven had visiting hours. I'd be there every weekend. Well, in the beginning I would be. I imagine, I wouldn't visit so much after the years that they've been gone. But, boy I would like to visit my parents. They don't visit as much as they used to. I see cardinals outside the window, but they don't stay long. They just come by for the food. Every once in a while, one will look at me for a long time. I know it's one of my parents. I used to look for the stars at night, but I don't see them anymore. They come out more in the winter. Plus, I used to look for them when I smoked, but I don't do that anymore. 

I won't be in church tomorrow when people honor the fathers. It would be like rubbing salt in a papercut. I just don't feel like dealing with the pain. I think I will watch Smokey and the Bandit or the Blues Brothers, as those are 2 of my dad's favorite movies. 

I was going to send David some flowers, but I don't have the money or the inclination. Maybe I'll send him some later. But maybe I should give up. I don't know what to do. Why does life have to be so hard. Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight. I could certainly used $80 million. I just want to get out of this apartment and buy a new car. Our plan for new money management is not working so far because of me. I have no idea what I'm doing. I think I only make around $980 per pay. That's once all the deductions come out. I'll have to see on my next paycheck. Maybe one day, I'll get a full check. I was and hour late this week because of the maintenance man. So, I only worked 39 hours. 

I almost quit my job. I'm bored and frustrated. When I'm bored I get easily distracted. I told my supervisor that I wanted the appeals specialist position but know I don't qualify. He said to give him 6 months of hitting my metrics and he'll put me on track to make it happen. I guess I'm not getting my level 2 anytime soon. I've been actively applying for other jobs, but nothing is happening. My resume looks good to me, but I guess it sucks. Oh well, that would make sense. Everything sucks right now. Not me, I'm still fabulous. lol 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Bitter Pills to Swallow

 

I forgot to take my meds yesterday morning. As a result, I was cranky, emotional and didn't give a flying fuck about my job. I honestly though about just quitting yesterday. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I've been sending out resumes, but haven't gotten any responses. The job I really want as a medical claims examiner for Cigna is going to be a few more weeks before I hear anything. I'm hoping I can hold out until then. The past few days, I have been really hating my job. Of course, I felt this way one day last week also. I forgot to take my meds one day last week. Callers have been getting on my last nerve. So, I guess my meds are keeping me on an even keel. Without them, I turn into a bitch of major proportions. 

I haven't talk to David in a few days. Mainly because he is too busy for me. I'm very disappointed. He check off all my boxes. Unfortunately, I forgot a box: My husband will make time for me. I feel that if a person wants to be in your life, he will make the time. There is no such thing as too busy. Besides disappointed, I feel a little bit perturbed. I mean if you don't have the time to date, why go on a dating sight. The other day, I offered to come down to see him on Sunday. I got no response. I eventually said never mind because I forgot Sunday is Father's Day. He'll be with his kids no doubt. Again, too busy for me. Am I the asshole here? We've been talking for a month now. Is it unreasonable to think it is definitely time for us to meet. All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee and some conversation, which he says he wants also. But evidently, I'm the only one willing to make time. Oh well. I'll text him on Father's Day, I guess. I was going to send him flowers, but I changed my mind. It would be me making the effort again. I decided that if I keep at him, I will be giving off an air of desperation. 

I suppose, I will need to reactivate my dating profile and try again. It's kind of sad. I'm still getting married next year, I just need to find the right man. Oh well, it was fun. Then again, I'm not sure I should give up just yet. All those boxes. 

My money situation isn't any better. I got paid and it's gone already. I wasn't able to send Erica the money. I had to pay a $350 bill that was past due. I'm not paying anyone shit next month accept giving money for rent. I have about $100 to my name and I still have to buy food. I wish I could just have someone give me an allowance and let them pay my bills. On paper I should have money. I need a clean slate. I swear, they should teach a class called Adulting 101 that teaches activities of daily living, household budgeting, and basic car and home repair. I know I would have taken it. If I had learned budgeting and financial responsibility, I wouldn't keep getting into these financial messes. 

I did take my meds today. All 7 medicines and 6 supplements. Hopefully today will be better. It should be, because I'm in training from 12-3, and then a meeting from 3-4:15. Then I have lunch until 5. So in total, I'll be on the phone for about 4.5 hours. I hope it's slow. I bombed my quality this week. I hate the stupid script I have to follow. I'm always forgetting something. I don't know who came up with the quality scorecard, but it's bullshit. I hate our systems. They are so old, and half the time they don't work right. 

Well, I guess this is it. I'm feeling a little bit better. Zelda has parked herself between me and my keyboard. She's fast asleep. I may take a little cat nap myself. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hell has Frozen Over Again!!!!

 

I don't believe it! I honestly do not believe it. We had another budget discussion. Yes, I was the center of it again and my money woes and my not working for a few days last week. But, you'll never guess what was decided, because I'm still having a hard time comprehending it. 

It has been decided that we are going to all contribute to the household bills. That's right, ALL of us are going to contribute to the rent, car insurance and electric bill. Why weren't we doing this before? That's simple. I had my social security to pay the rent before, now I don't. They actually had to pay the rent this month because I didn't have the money. 

It works out to a contribution of $661 per pay period or $1322 per month. Which mathematically leaves me with about $1300 to pay my other bills. Of course, that means I have to force myself to work even when I don't feel well. I missed 2 days of work last week due to migraines. I got some new medicine to help with them. It as needed, so we'll see this week. Watch, I probably won't get a single headache this week. Which is fine with me. I had a nosebleed with one of them. I'd rather not go through that again. However, it does put some pressure on me. I have to be at work everyday for the next month to build up some PTO, I don't see how some people do it. This job is so frustrating. It's also BORING. All I do is verify benefits for providers. Every now and again someone calls about a claim, but I've ended up transferring it, because the need to resubmit with information or it's a COB issue. I'm just a level 1 still, so it's level 2 work. I'm not even trying to do level 2 work because I'm not getting paid for it. I'm at the point now where I just do what I need to do. 

I don't know why it's taken so long for them to come up with the idea of having a common account to pay all the bills. Especially since I have been accused of misappropriation in the past. I was paying my bills with my money and asking for help with the rent, but nobody listed to me. Now all of a sudden it's a good idea?! In addition, I'm not in charge of the common account which I like. Erica is going to do it. I gave her the info to access the online accounts for everything. If this works out, I'll be able to payoff my other bills without help from Jerald. I sent him my information last week for him to look over, but he hasn't gotten back to me yet. I have to let him know about this economic summit meeting. 

So, it seems that hell hath frozen over for the second time this year regarding Erica. First, she reconciles with her father, and now she's taking over the household finances. Things are happening it's almost scary. Of course, this time next year, I won't be here. I plan on getting married. I don't know if it's to David, yet, but I know I'm not living here. I may just pack up my shit and go. I think I'm finally ready to fly out of the nest. 

I still have the social security office to deal with. I appealed their decision, but I haven't heard anything yet. I may have to go back on disability if this migraine crap doesn't settle down. I may need to find a different doctor. 

Things with David are going well. We facetime now. I'm still asking questions. I found a list of question online. But, I've already asked a lot of questions which we discussed. We talked about religion yesterday. He's not religious but he does believe in Jesus. He doesn't go to church every Sunday. He attends a Pentecostal church. He doesn't believe in labels. So my being catholic is of no consequence to him. It is a little disappointing. I did want to be married in the church, literally and figuratively. But, I'll be married at a different place. I'm making plans just in case. But, I had a flash that I'd be getting married at city hall and having a dinner party later. I'm still getting my dress. That I will not compromise on that. 

Oh well, another week has begun. I haven't done a thing this weekend. I even missed Mass. I took my shower at 10:30. I was sleepy this morning. I know that's no excuse but I knew I'd go and not pay attention. I do need to pray, so I will. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Parade of Migraines

 

About 6 months ago, I started having migraines. I had never had a migraine until then. I've had headaches, but nothing like this. I have vestibular migraines. I have normal migraine pai, but I also have ear pain and pressure. The migraine makes me sensitive to light and loud noises. I have to lay down with an ice pack on my head in a darkened room with no noise. I usually turn on the fan for some white noise. 

No one can tell me where these headaches originate or what triggers them. I just now that they started when I started experiencing vertigo. That was also 6 months ago. I have had a migraine 3 times this week. I take my medicine, but they still come. I don't know what else to do. My doctor gave me a list of foods to avoid which may trigger migraines, and gave me the name of a supplement formulated for migraine relief.  

I did call my neurologist, but I can't get in for a month or so. I have an appointment on 7/22. I have to call on Monday to see if there are any cancellations. I can't do this anymore. I thought the vertigo was bad, but this is by far worse. These headaches are debilitating. I can't see straight. my ears get clogged and it's affecting my speech patterns. Sometimes words on a page get jumbled. I told all this to the doctor, and apparently it's not uncommon. 

Needless to say, I have missed work because of it. I applied for a claims examiner job today. It's with Cigna, and it is just what I am looking for. I really hope to hear from them. This job at Delta is getting to me. I have no passion for it at the moment. I liked my old team better. Now, all I do is take provider calls, and I don't like it. I'm still trying to get my level 2. 

I wish someone would tell me something, I'm so tired of getting sick. My relationship with David is moving forward. We have progressed to talking 3 or more times per day including face time. We plan on a beach weekend trip next weekend. I told him I picked our wedding date, he said it was kay with him. He is my man, and I am his woman. We have a lot in common. I think this is it. Of course, I'm not in love, but I'm in serious like, and a little lust. I manifested him, and he came. I am manifesting my wedding. I have a list of things I like. I have a folder title 4/4/2026. That's the date. It's my mom's birthday. I figured since she is gone, I will honor her by making her birthday my anniversary. 

I am sending David some flowers for Father's Day. It's funny, but I'm the talkative one in our relationship. I find him so easy to talk to. I feel very comfortable and safe. That's unusual for me. Usually, I am more fearful, but that was a few years ago. I love myself a lot now, and I know what I want. So far, David checks off all the boxes. He is everything I want. 

Well, that's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The List

 

I've decided that I want to be married. Hence my foray into the dating scene. I mentioned before that I had met someone. Well, not really met yet, but talking on the phone for about 3 weeks now. He was supposed to call me tonight when he got home. That was 2 hours ago. The last time this happened, all hell had broken loose at his house. I can only imagine what happened tonight. In any event, I am only slightly perturbed. I guess I'll try calling him tomorrow morning. He's up at 2 am for his work out. He's in bed by the time I get off work. 

I did explain that he would need to carve out sometime for me. I need attention. I need to be encouraged, supported and touched. I am a very affectionate person, so when we finally meet I expect hugs. Right now, I'm just trying to get some face time. That was suggested to me today, that we should Facetime each other. 

I am seeing Stephanie again as my therapist. She was my therapist for 2 years, but I left because I wanted in-person therapy sessions. It went okay, but it was kind of inconvenient because Diane was all the way across town. So, I contacted Dr. Peters and it was like getting in touch with an old friend. We talked for over an hour. I told her what I had been up to and what my plans were. All in all, I am doing 1000 times better than when I last saw her. She gave me an assignment; to make a list of what I wanted from my husband. So, I made a list of what I want my husband to be and what I will give in return. It's nothing outrageous on unattainable. Will David check off everything, I don't know. But this is what I want. 

 My Husband.....                                   As a Wife.....

will be spiritual                                    I will be Godly

will be intelligent                                 I will engage in meaningful conversations

will have a sense of humor                  I will be light-hearted

will be taller than me                           I will keep in shape

will be handsome                                 I will always try to look my best

will love animals                                 I will welcome his animals

Will be a good cook                            I will learn to cook better

will be neat and tidy                           I will keep a clean house 

will be a good provider                      I will learn to budget my money

will love to cuddle                              I will be affectionate

will be honest                                     I will be truthful

will be patient                                    I will manage my emotions 

will be encouraging                           I will be positive

will love family                                 I will be welcoming 

will love to slow dance                     I will be ready to dance anytime

will be a good lover                          I will make sure we are both satisfied

will be gentle                                    I will be non-judgmental  

 will like to travel                             I will be passport ready

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: In Memoriam

 

Today is Memorial Day, the last Monday in May. It is a day when the United States pauses to reflect and remember the fallen heroes of our nation. It's not a happy day, but it has turned into a day of picnics and barbeques and pool parties. It the unofficial start of summer. It's also a federal holiday so most of us have the day off. 

I had hoped for a more positive weekend. I mentioned that I had been talking to a man named David. We talked last weekend about getting together today and doing something together, but that has not come to pass. In fact, I only got one text from him saying that he missed my call because he was busy with yardwork. I am now of the feeling that he does not wish to see me. Either that or his home has a yard like the gardens of Versailles. It brought up an old feeling. A feeling of rejection. When that feeling popped up, it also brought forth an image in my head. The image of a tired, depressed woman that secluded herself in a dark room afraid of the world dreaming of being in love. The old image of me. 

I studied her for a minute, and then I shut the door. I'm not that woman anymore. While I am tired, I'm not soul tired. I'm no longer a crushed, depressed person. I have my blue moments like a normal person now. I do not reject the world but embrace it. I have a positive message to spread to anyone who will listen. a message of survival, a message of hope, a message of love. You see, that other version of me hated herself and the life she was living, if you can call it that. I was merely existing. Many times I tried to snuff out that existence. But I survived and found a pretty wonderful person on the other side. 

I don't really dream of being in love anymore. I dream of sharing my love with another person and building a life together. There isn't a prince charming riding toward me to rescue me from my dire world, but a good solid man who wants to grow with me. I am a treasure waiting to be discovered and I will reveal myself to that man when he presents himself. 

Now, I have talked to several men, but they don't fit the bill for one reason or another. Most of the time it's because I had to chase them. I'm not a cop. I'm not chasing you around town to talk to you. If you want to be with me you will carve out the time to make me a priority in your life. If not, just say so and I will move on. So, far David and I were talking pretty well, but this weekend something changed. So, I guess I'm done. I will move onto the next person of interest to see if he is the one to peak my curiosity. 

Fortunately, I have not allowed my imagination to run wild and fallen in love. I now realize what love is, and how it should feel. Love should not make you feel panic or sad or guilt. Love should make you feel whole and good.

It's a good thing I learned from my mistakes, because the other me would have collapsed into misery and despair. I would have questioned my looks, my personality and my overall desirability. I would have turned myself into a monster in my mind's eye. A person so ugly on the inside that no one would have possibly wanted such a damaged, unlovable creature. However, I sad goodbye to her. I realized today that I never really gave her the proper send off. I never buried her. So I will do that today. 

To you, Beverly, the girl that hated her name. I want to say goodbye. There are a few things you should know before I close you off. You were so wrong about yourself. You were wanted. You were a surprise, but never doubt for a moment that you were wanted. You were your parent's doting daughter. The one who gave them joy and laughter. The one who listened and learned. You were a daddy's girl and your mother's friend. Also, look at yourself in pictures and in the mirror. You're beautiful. Your eyes large and deep. Your sweetheart mouth always ready to smile. People like you, they love your voice and the way you speak. You are intelligent and funny. You have so much to offer. You love the Lord and recognize finally that He loves you and will never leave you. You are His, and He lives deep within you. He has a plan for you, for your life. It involves the giving and receiving of love. You finally know what you want, and you have the strength to go for it. 

With that, I close the lid. I am ready to let you go to think of you know more. Although I'm sure you will try to raise your head again, you will not be able to shriek out in misery anymore. I've learned not to do that. So, goodbye Beverly. Hello, Bev. Enjoy your life. Congratulations on your success. I'm not going to miss you. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Quest for Peace

 

Well, it's a 3 day weekend. I was excited about it until it actually got here. I did nothing yesterday. I was up for most of the night, finally falling asleep around 2:30 or was it 3 am. I don't remember. I woke up at 8:20 and fed the cats. I ate my breakfast and fell asleep on the couch. 

I was all set for a pleasant weekend and my stupid sister barked at me for no reason. Didn't say good morning or anything. She was just like, well, a bitch. They take for granted the fact that I wake up early, especially on the weekends. The cats eat around 6:30 to 7 am during the week. So, naturally, they want to eat at the same time on Saturday and Sunday. Since I get up first, I feed them. I also usually walk the dog, because Erica will sleep until 10 am, and he normally goes out at 7:30 am. However, if I don't do these things, they get upset with me. 

The fact that I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night doesn't matter to them. They fall asleep right away. It takes me a while to fall asleep, even though I take 300 mg of trazadone. I was tired, so I took a little nap this afternoon. They went to the movies, so I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 11:30 but I woke up hungry so I got a bowl of cereal. Then my back started hurting. I took the last of my muscle relaxers before going to bed, so I'm just stuck with this pain. I popped 4 ibuprofen tablets about a half hour ago. I hope it works. I'd like to get some more sleep. 

I swear, going to sleep is like a quest for a long lost treasure. I have to go through a ritual to wind down. I have to wash my face, braid my hair and then watch my wind down show and fall asleep. I've tried falling asleep without the TV, but my brain starts to fire up the imagination machine. It starts to run a million miles per hour and I can't relax. The TV, particularly, Everybody Loves Raymond, helps me focus believe it or not. I read an article that said people who watch the same shows over and over suffer from anxiety and use the show as a way to relax because they know the outcome. I find this to be true. It's the same reason I watch the same movies over and over. 

I can only watch new movies during the day so I have time to process the information. I can't watch a new show or movie at night because it causes me to have dreams, sometimes not so pleasant. I also can't watch thrillers or psychological movies before bed. Basically, I can't watch anything that causes me to think because it causes anxiety and nightmares. Lately, my nightmares have caused my sleep apnea to act up. I wake up struggling to breath. 

I think the ibuprofen is kicking in finally. I'm getting sleepy again. Think I'll try to go to bed again. Wish me luck. I made an appointment with a new therapist for yesterday afternoon, but she didn't show. She said that the site must have had a glitch, but I'm like whatever. At any rate, I found availability with a former therapist, so I booked an appointment with her for Thursday morning at 9 am. I hope I make it. I prefer my appointments on the weekends, but I'm giving platelets on the 31st. That's a 2 to 3 hour ordeal. I may cancel it. I don't know. I didn't like it, it's not like giving blood which only takes 10 minutes. However, I want to help people, and there is an emergency platelet shortage. I consider it my monthly charitable donation along with ASPCA and Heifer International. Oh well, I'm out. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Bebe  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Insomnia and Me

 

As you can see this post comes in the wee hours of the morning. After trying for several hours, I have given up on my quest for sleep. This is the 2nd night this week for which sleep escapes me. I wish I could say I don't know why this is happening, but I do. It's my old friend Anxiety. She decided to stay over for a while. 

How do I know it's anxiety? That's easy, I chewed up a bag of bubblegum in 2 days and I'm stress eating. If I still smoked, I'd be chaining. I ate a bunch of food around midnight. It wasn't junk food. I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. Then I ate a breakfast biscuit. I would have eaten a bag of chips if I had any. I didn't buy any junk food because I am trying to improve my eating habits. So far this week I've done pretty well. I actually been cooking and even having vegetables. 

I still don't know why I have so much anxiety. I suspect it's the job. It's boring. I speak to providers all day. I'm not taking calls from members yet. I suppose I should be glad of that. However, all of my calls are the same. I just verify benefits. I try to make it interesting, but I can't really get too deep because I'm just a level 1. If I ask questions on the team chat about something complicated, I'm told to transfer to a level 2. I still research the issue on my own time. However, there are times I'm glad I get to transfer it to someone else. I kind of like the calls where the provider can't find a member. I get to ask questions and research the person to see if they're in the system. 

I'm still missing things on quality. The damn self service referral is kicking my ass. I try to incorporate into my regular verbiage, but it just doesn't flow. I have a sticky note on my computer to remind me. Sometimes, I don't get to everything because I forget that I am the one who controls the pace of the call. This is especially true of third party callers. Most of them are from a foreigner, especially those from India. I don't understand them half the time, and they either talk too fast or mumble. I have learned to make them wait. I have to ask them to repeat themselves often. Some of them get frustrated. At times they have hung up on me, but fuck them. 

I try not to get discouraged, but at around 3 pm, my enthusiasm for my job wanes. I am pretty chipper in the morning. But by the time my lunch hour rolls around I couldn't really give a good goddamn. Today, I did a lot at lunch. I folded my laundry and put the dishes away. I took Kyber for a walk and still had time to eat my salad and watch a little TV. I'm trying not to sleep so much. Tomorrow, I'll probably have a cat nap. I don't have anything to fix for lunch. I'll have yogurt for midmorning snack. Since I already ate my cereal, maybe I'll have the last egg, bacon and toast. I bought some really good 12 grain bread. It's quite hearty. It makes a good sandwich. I could make tuna salad for lunch, but I don't think I have enough mayo. I'll have to check. 

My shoulder started burning again the other day. Is it possible to tear your rotator cuff twice? I see the doctor for what is supposed to be my discharge visit on June 10th. However, I have a bad feeling. I can lift my arm, but it hurts. I wouldn't care too much if it was just stiff or creaky, but it's really burning especially today. I had to put a lidocaine patch on it. 

I had scheduled some time off in June, but I had to cancel it because I don't have a PTO hours. I thought I'd be able to borrow them like I've done before, but my new supervisor doesn't do that. Also, I've been getting notices from Workforce Management about my adherence. Someone has been sending in system issue note indicating I'm not signed in for hours. I don't understand it, because I'm signed into the cloud at my start time of 11:20 until I sign off at 8 pm. I have to get to the bottom of it, because that's messing with my bonus money. I sent him an email about it, but I haven't heard anything yet. 

Things with David are going well. We talk here and there during the week because we both have busy schedules. He's a personal trainer and his first appointment is in the morning around 7:30 am. He was on his way to his last session tonight at 8:30 pm. I asked him if he normally worked that late, he said not usually, but he's expensive so he tries to accommodate his clients. He like the fact that I'm so much shorter than he is. I hope he doesn't mind my being a chubster. I can't really help it, except for my binge eating. I am limited in my activities due to my ankle, leg and back injuries. But once I get back to physical therapy I'm going to do strength training and figure out some kind of cardio I can do to burn some sugar and fat. 

I can't believe that he doesn't mind my illnesses. I told him about my diabetes, my bipolar, and my other things and he said he didn't hear anything to change his mind about me. He said his deal breaker is lying. Which is a good thing I'm pretty honest. I don't lie too often, except to April and Erica. Those are more sins of omission. But I'll admit that I have outright lied to them about taking time off. However, that has to stop, since I can't rely on my social security anymore, I have to go to work everyday, which I hate. I need at least 2 vacation days a month to keep from going bonkers. But now that I don't have any PTO built up right now, I'm stuck. I'm going to try to save up my PTO so I can do something special for my birthday. Hell, I'm still trying to get to Savannah. Maybe if things keep going well with David, he'll take me somewhere for a weekend. Did I mention he's 6'4" and very good looking? Well he is. He'll probably break me. I need to see my gynecologist. The last time I had sex, I had a tear and ended up bleeding. I have to make sure everything is cool down there and get some kind of lubricant or something. I can't believe how dry I am. Menopause bites. 

Well, I suppose I should sign off and try to get a couple hour of sleep. I'll talk atcha later. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Royal Pain in the Ass

 

My ass is killing me. I'm out of hydrocodone. All I have are muscle relaxants. I took one, but I'm going to take another. My leg is spasming. I can't wait until I'm not in pain anymore. It was suppose to stop with the fusion of my sacroiliac. But I had the surgery on the 1st, and so far it still hurts. At times, like right now, it hurts worse than it did before. It's keeping me up. After sitting all day, I'm getting butt and right leg spasms at night. I get off at 8 pm. Right after I sign out, I walk the dog. That helps get movement into my hip and leg, but for some reason, tonight my ankle was swollen. God knows I drank enough water, so I don't know why it swelled. 

Today started off well enough for a Monday. I hated getting up. I slept on the couch last night because of my back, so I woke up at 6 pm when April went into the bathroom. I tried to go back to sleep but the cats get up with her, because she feeds them before she leaves the house. I just gave up and got up. It was a pretty slow day, which you would think was good. However, my job is not that exciting, so when it's slow I get bored. Anyway, I applied for 5-6 jobs today. I had a good reason to start looking again. 

I had decided that when I went back to work after my leave of absence that I was going to really apply myself to my job and get my promotion and raise in salary. I was quite happy when I went back to work. I had spoken with my supervisor and found out that I was not going back to my team, but was being transferred to a new team. There was also 2 promises to me. First, I was going to get a new schedule for earlier start time and end. I wasn't going to have to work 11:15 to 8 pm. Secondly, I was told that I would be placed in the next level 2 training class. 

Today, a shift bid opened up until 5/23. I tried to do my shift bid, but wasn't able to because for some reason I was still in training mode. At least that's what I thought. I asked my supervisor about it, and he told me that I would qualify for this shift bid because of my leave of absence. So, I would be keeping my current schedule. Um, HELL NO!! Wrong answer. I reminded him of the promises that were made to me when I returned from leave and told him to check into it. He said he would. Hence, my new job seeking adventures today. Because, if I don't get what I want, namely better hours and more money I will need to leave Delta Dental. 

I  thought that I did something good for myself. I stood up for myself, and was taking the necessary steps to provide a better life for myself. I'm forced to really because my social security benefits were cut off this month. They had the nerve to request an overpayment refund. I politely told them to kiss my black ass. At any rate, I told April and Erica about the shift bid debacle and job search. I was expecting some support, but got none. They both were like, "Why?" My sister has a tendency to dismiss things I do for myself when it comes to jobs. She thinks I should stay at Delta for the rest of my life no matter what. I'm not like that. If I'm unhappy at a job, I'm leaving. My mental health is more important than a damn paycheck. 

Since they cut off my social security, I had to crunch the numbers again to discover I have barely enough money to get by. I make approximately $2670 per month. My expenses total around $2500. That's not including food and gas. Some how, I'm supposed to pay everything minus the $1758 I was receiving. So, I either need a raise, a part-time job, or a new job. I've increased my hourly pay requirement to $21.10. I'm trying to find a job for $40,500 per year. I can live nicely on that amount. A level 2 promotion would do it. I had been requesting $40,000 per year, but I decided I was worth more. 

I got a new therapist. My first appointment with her is Saturday at 1 pm. My other therapist was nice enough, but I could afford to go. I can afford therapy now because I met my out of pocket for my insurance, so the rest of the year is zero cost. I can't believe I met it for the 3rd year in a row. I got stop falling apart. Next thing I need to look at getting fixed is my left knee. It is so stiff and hurts when I bend it. I need to get some compression socks. All this sitting is bad for my legs. I try to get up once an hour to move around. I need to start walking or something in the morning. Maybe I'll try some yoga. I can find something on YouTube. We have yoga mats and bricks. I think I will start doing that instead of napping on the couch in the morning. I really need to do something to strengthen and get toned. I'd like to get to a size 12. Plus, I really just need to stretch and restore some of my flexibility. 

Well, I guess I'll try to get some sleep. I wrote letter to 2 pen pals today.  have to go to the post office tomorrow to mail Shayla her graduation card. It's a really big popup card with a bouquet of roses. Well that's it. off to bed. Wish me luck. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B