Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Big Sister, Little Sister

 

Today is my sister's birthday.  She is 61 years old.  I got her a really nice gift.  It's a crystal tea mug with enamel butterflies on it.  She likes tea, and she likes unusual mugs.  She'll say thank you and smile, but I will not get a hug.  

We are not close.  Not like people think we are.  Not like we used to be.  We were close for about a 10 year period, then my being crazy became too much.  She gets angry with me now if I get sick for any reason, even a cold.  

I would like to be close.  When I was little, I thought she was so cool, but she didn't want me around.  We are 5 years apart and the age gap was quite apparent.  It wasn't until I was 15 when we actually started to get along.  There is a big difference between being 10 and 5, and 15 and 20.  She actually used to let me hang out with her and her friends when she was 16.  It was she who taught me how to drive.  

I used to be able to talk to her about stuff.  Not anymore.  She built up a wall and put out the dogs.  My attempts to communicate with her and initiate intimacy are met with alarming disdain.  It sometimes borders on disgust.  Therefore, I don't think she likes me too much as a person.  Does she love me?  I guess so, only on a familial basis.  I think if we passed each other on the street, she would still be out of my league, like she was when I was 12. 

Back then, I was her chubby, nerdy sister.  I wasn't allowed in her room, or touch her stuff.  Sometimes though, I would play her albums on the stereo when no one was home.  Those were good times.  If nothing else, I can always thank her for introducing me to funk and R & B. 

I see some sister, and I think, wow I wish we could be like that.  Maybe we would get along better if I wasn't underfoot.  I'm in the way, always causing people worry.  Now that my parents are gone, I have to look to myself to take care of things.  I'm having trouble.  I guess it comes from being the baby of the family.  

My brother is in the middle of us.  I've kind of cut him out of my thinking these past few weeks after his last tirade to me about money.  I feel shame whenever I think of that day.  The thing about both of them is that they used to torment me as a child because I was fat.  Many were the afternoon where I was serenaded with the Tubby the Tuba song.  

No wonder I turned to food as my best friend.  It didn't make fun, and it made me feel good inside for at least a little while.  Nothing else made me feel good.  My father was not emotionally available at that time.  My mom was, well let's just say it, most of my childhood my mom was nuts.  

I don't blame them, it's not like kids come with instructions.  They did the best they could, I guess.  I was just a needy kid.  Now, here I am a needy adult.  A soon to be 56 year old adult at that, and I am still having trouble keeping my head above water.  

So my big sister is not warm and inviting.  So, most of what she says to me is a criticism of my thoughts, feelings and actions.  My mom would probably tell me not to take it personally.  But, how can you not take it personally?  I never understood that statement.  Right now, my heart is wrapped up in barbed wired thinking about the future.  I dare not talk to her about Kevin.  I dare not discuss feelings.  I guess I'll just let it all go and chalk it up to being a blood relative.  You can't choose them.  If I had any friends, it would be different, but right now, she's all I've got.  

My therapist says I should try to engage.  Ha Ha Ha, if she could only be here and see our interactions.  She would know how dysfunctional we are.  If I am being honest,  I must say that I don't like her much either.  Most of the time, especially when she is telling me about something I did wrong, I call her a bitch in my head.  Maybe it's because we are both Leos.  Each of us trying to be the leader.  I, however, often defer to her because it's just easier that way.  

Oh well, Happy Birthday!! See you next year.      B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Day After

 

Well, my imagination got the best of me around 2 am.  I didn't get any sleep last night.  I was up all night worrying about Kevin.  I had somehow convinced myself that he was with his wife and kids in Florida, and was just using me.  After all, who am I but this short fat girl with depression and anxiety who was worth nothing to anyone.  I mean, no one would miss me if I were gone right? 

So I sent him a text that said, I understand you are with your family, but your lack of communication is concerning. So, I ask in the simplest of terms, wtf?  Hit send.  He tries to call me back at 2:24 am, and I'm like nope don't want to talk right now.  

Anyway, I call him this morning and he is now on his way back home.  He informs me that his mother was ill in the hospital and almost died.  Okay fine.  I understand that, I'm not a monster.  If anyone understands the illness of a parent, it's me.  He said he shuts down when things become overwhelming for him.  Again, I totally get shutting down and turning inward.  But, I explained that if we are going to have any kind of relationship, he has to let me know what's going on, or I will shut him out.  It's not that he's doing anything wrong.  It's just my catastrophic thinking kicking in again.  I automatically think that when I don't hear from someone, they don't want me around anymore.  

We both have a long history of putting up walls when it looks like we are going to get hurt.  I'm trying to slowly explain to him, just how dark my mind can get.  I can't risk getting lost in a deep hole again, because there is absolutely no one to pull me out anymore.  My parents and grandparents are gone.  I can NOT count on my sister or brother to help me, because they don't understand nor do I think they want to understand.  

I'm on my own for real.  It scares the shit out of me.  How do I go on?  I just do. One second at a time.  I must admit, I do feel better now that I've talked to him.  Still, I may not get to see him for a while.  If I don't see him tomorrow or Saturday, it will be another week.  I'm not even looking for sex. I just want him to be near me.  Is that what love is?  Is it supposed to make you feel like this?  If so, I don't know if I like it.  I mean I loved my parents, and was always scared they were going to die.  I suppose this is why some people prefer to be alone.  No drama.  Just you and your books, cats or dogs.  I'm going to keep going with him I think.  I see so much potential in us.  We could be fabulous.   Bev and Kev forever.  lol  that's all - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Streaming

 

There comes some points in my day, where my head feels empty.  Then there are some points when it is crowded with thoughts that have no consistency at all.  On both of those occasions, I am usually bored.  I've been bored most of the day.  

I had a dentist appointment today.  It was for a regular cleaning.  All is good with my teeth.  I've been trying very hard to keep up with my activities of daily living. Sometimes, it's difficult.  There are many mornings I lie in bed wondering why I even bother.  

That's why I usually plan things so that I have to leave the house at least once a day.  Today was the dentist, tomorrow is physical therapy.  Friday is my visit to the gynecologist.  It will be my first visit in 3 years.  I'm going because I've been bleeding after sex.  I don't know what it's from.  It's not because the sex is too rough, or even because the guy is too big.  I mean, I bled with Brad, and he's on the small side.  I bleed anywhere from 3 to 5 days afterwards.  

I looked it up online, and it could be anything really, even a sign of cervical cancer.  My last pap smear came back okay, but like I said, that was 3 years ago.  So, I figured it was time to go up on the rack for a check up.  I haven't talked to anyone about it.  It's the kind of thing I'd discuss with my mom, but there you go.

I saw my therapist last week.  I didn't tell her that Kevin and I slept together.  I don't know why.  I guess it's because I'm trying to keep things from getting too much.  I haven't heard from him since Friday.  I'm trying not to be the girl who is needy, but I can't help feeling as if I'm being ignored.

Leos are notorious attention seekers.  We want to be the star and the center of all things.  So, I guess Kevin is not going to give me that.  I don't know maybe he will.  I'm trying really hard to rein myself in from all this doubt and self destructive thinking.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am above all that shit, and I'm fabulous. 

But as Charlotte York said in Sex and the City, "I've been dating since I was 15, I'm exhausted!! Where is he??!!"

Okay, I haven't been dating since I was 15, but I am tired of meeting men who promise the moon, but can't even deliver on a promise to call you back.  That's Kevin's best line.  "I'll call you right back".

He never does, every time he tells me this, he never does.  I wouldn't say it pisses me off, but it does bother me.  I have a really problem with people who say they'll call you and people who are late.  

I believe he is still in Florida, visiting his family.  He's been posting stuff on Facebook as recently as today.  Looks like he's having a good time.  Has he called me or texted?  Why no! He has not.  I must say, I'm a little put out.  I don't like to play games, but I am thinking of ignoring his call for a while.  However, I won't do that.  I'll answer, but I will ask for a few answers.  

I suppose if I had any friends, they would tell me he's probably married or something.  Who knows?  Maybe it's true.  I am spinning around all in the pursuit of love.  I don't want to die some unmarried or unattached spinster.  While I really want to be married, I am not opposed to living with a guy for the rest of my life as long as I have some legal right to property etc. 

Ok, I'm not okay.  I feel like crap.  I pretended to be okay all day, but I'm not.  I want something better than what I have now.  I want to have enough money to be comfortable, a nice house of my own.  I have the car.  I thought I had the guy.  But the bells in my head are ringing. I need him to reassure me.  Things will definitely be decided in 2 weeks when my birthday comes.  If I don't get something for my birthday, I will know he's playing me for a sucker.  

As much as I hate to doubt him, I have to take care of myself.  He's got me feeling things, and the walls are going up around my heart.  I hope he comes through.  

I won't be able to sleep tonight.  My head is spinning and it feels like it's full of rocks.  Maybe, I'll just try to meditate.  Oh fuck, no I won't, I'll just lay there are listen to the storms on my echo.  I guess I'll sign off now.  I wish I could say I feel better, but I don't.  Just more questions. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Midnight Rider

 

Well, it's 3 am, and here I am again.  This has been going on for month or so now.  I fall asleep around midnight, and wake up 3 hours later.  Sometimes, it's because I have to pee.  Other times, I don't know why.  

I've had a lot of anxiety lately.  It's mostly due to my money problems.  But it also has to do with Kevin.  Not that there's anything wrong with us, at least I don't think there is.  I'm worried that I'm being played.  But those feelings, I know, are coming from my insecurities about myself.

That's when the grief hits me again, because I really need to talk to my mom about this stuff.  She knew me better than I know myself.  Now, all I have to talk to is the half gallon of ice cream and hot fudge sauce.  Yes, that's right, I'm binge eating again, and let me tell you, I feel like crap.

I haven't eaten anything good this whole weekend. I also, haven't had a good night sleep.  I'm sure the two are related.  So, I guess I have answered my own question about why I can't sleep.  I'm having anxiety.  I have to burn it off somehow.  

Erica and I were talking yesterday, and I happened to mention how much I loved watercolors and how I wish I could paint.  She asked me why I just didn't do it?  This left me pondering as to why I didn't try it.  It all comes down to my perfectionism.  Intellectually, I know that art is a form of expression.  There is no perfection.  But, as usual, when it comes to anything I do, it must be perfect.  

With all that being said, I will put water color paints, brushes, and paper on my list of things to buy.  I will dabble in watercolor.  Anyhoo, that's all for tonight.  I'm paying for all that hot fudge. I've got the trots.  

B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Damn!!!! Broke Again

 

I think I have a problem.  I mean, I've never been good with money.  I can't balance my checking account.  I'm always overdrawn, but this month has been incredibly bad.  I've been overdrawn once $750 and now $975.  To make things worse, I received $2300 from my father's retirement account and blew it in three days.  

I don't know what my problem is.  It seems like I get a little bit of money and lose my fucking mind.  I just buy shit.  It's stuff I want, not what I need. Since, it's so easy to shop online, I am constantly looking up stuff to buy at Walmart.com and Amazon.  

I must admit, I love shopping.  It makes me happy.  It gives me a real thrill I can't any other way.  I am a person who can get easily addicted to anything.  I like food, so I eat too much. I got addicted to smoking.  I mean, if I had a mind to do drugs, I would get addicted too. 

I think it comes from always being told "no we can't afford it ", when I was younger.  Also, having low self-esteem doesn't help.  It's not as bad as it used to be, but there are times, like this morning, when I feel like an ugly toad.  

Also, I buy a lot of things for other people.  I bought a lot of stuff for Erica.  She was having a bad time and I wanted to make her feel better, so I bought her stuff to cheer her up.  It didn't cheer me up too much.  She said thanks, but she doesn't hug me or anything.  I'd like a hug once in a while.  The only person to touch me in the past 2 months has been Kevin.  

So, what to do about my problem?  I don't know.  Maybe, I will delete some apps on my phone and keep it strictly computer based. That way, I can't go shopping on my phone at the doctor's office etc. Maybe that will help me curb my spending.  Also, I need to get rid of my credit cards, and just keep my Chime card and one credit card for emergencies.  

Honestly,  I need an accountant who can give me a monthly spending allowance and pay my bills for me.  Ha! maybe I'll hit the lotto this weekend and win over 100 million. Wouldn't that be some shit!!! I would definitely get an accountant with that kind of money, because I could blow through it in a month.  I wouldn't tell a soul either.  Just kind of drift away.  

By the way, my brother isn't speaking to me again, because of money.  Can't say I blame him too much.  His birthday is tomorrow.  I wonder what I will say?  Happy fucking birthday dickhead!!! No probably not.  I'll see if I can figure out how to do a spreadsheet.  Maybe that will help.  

B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark

 

Well, I did it.  Or shall I saw we did it.  Kevin and I had sex.  Actually, it was more than that.  I think for the first time in my life, I made love.  I say that, because I didn't feel like a cheap whore, he actually looked at me, talked to me and wanted to know how I was feeling.  

Not that it was all moonbeams and lollipops.  When he entered me, it did hurt.  Not as much as it did with Derrick, but it did hurt a little.  I went to pee afterwards, and sure enough I was bleeding.  He gave me some time to rest, and he went to sleep.  

It was kind of weird, sleeping with someone.  He snored off and on, and he has a tendency to hog the bed.  I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep anyway, since, I had already stayed up past my bedtime waiting for him.  So, I just caught a couple of catnaps here and there.  

He sleeps naked, and I have to at least have panties on.  He got up 3 times to go to the bathroom.  He put on my fuzzy pink robe, lest he run into someone in the hallway.  We talked a lot.  I am so comfortable with him.  I actually feel safe.  I didn't feel pressured to go down on him.  I wasn't ready. Probably next time.  I had no problem going down on Brad or Derrick.  Probably because that's what was expected.  I was just a fuck buddy after all.  

Kevin did, however, go down on me.  It was incredible.  I came 4 times.  He got me so wet.  He said I tasted like pineapple.  I suppose that's a good thing.  I did enjoy myself more this morning, because everyone was at work.  Last night, everyone was at home and sleeping, so we had to be careful, not to move the bed or yell. 

At any rate, I am now in a relationship.  So, we'll see how it goes.  I am going to be honest, and kind.  Kevin thinks I am the sweetest woman.  He also  said I am more beautiful, when we are making love.  We are going to have to work on some type of arrangement, because he can't come over here all the time.  

I told him, I wanted to go to the zoo, so maybe we can take  weekend and spend it in the city and get a hotel room. Something, anything where we can be alone.  Hopefully, he'll get a place.  I hope he doesn't turn out to be a hobosexual. That's a person who is basically homeless, and gets into a relationship hoping for a place to stay.  I doubt it highly.  He comes off as a totally upstanding person.   

Well, I guess that's all for now.  Stay tuned for the further adventures of Liongirl!!

B