Shiny Happy People

Sometimes, well, a lot of times I look at people, and I wonder what their lives are like.  I see them with their happy faces, watch them with animated conversations, or just walking along.  I wonder where their going, where they've been, what their thinking about.  I don't judge them, but I often wonder what's beneath the surface.

Are they as unhappy as I am?  Is there pain and longing in their lives too?  I'm certain that the answers to these questions is yes, but what makes them go on with their lives?  What's the secret?  I read the posts of my Facebook friends, and I get so jealous.  Why does she have a love and I don't?  What gives that person a right to be so happy and have children and pets and a good job, when I know some of the darkest deeds they have committed?  When is it going to be my turn to find such fulfillment?

Am I undeserving of love?  Am I so undesirable, that no one can look at me?  Am I invisible?  I like to think that I am a good person.  Yet, day after day, I end up alone in my room pondering the mistakes that I've made, and listening to the voices in my head.  I have told myself that these voices are liars.  I know that I am not an ugly, stupid person with nothing to give.  I can feel my heart overflowing with the emotions that rage inside me.  I would be a wonderful wife, friend and lover.  I have something to give.  

But, what if I am just fooling myself and the voices are true.  Will I die alone?  Am I destined to be untouched by the warmth of a hand in mind or kissed with tenderness?  I honestly don't know.  I have tried to be friendly and courteous to people I meet.  I have shared smiles and flirted when I see an attractive man.  I have made casual conversation to other people in hopes of making a friendship connection.  But, nothing has come of it.

Sometimes, I think to myself, I will just go to a bar and pick up some stranger like a whore.  But, that's not what I want.  Besides, I am limited on what I can drink, and I don't really like bars.  Maybe I will go to a sports bar for the Superbowl.  I like football a lot, even though there are somethings I don't understand.  I could meet some people that way.  I could try one of those meet up sites where you find a group of people who share common interests.  

Sometimes, I think about going back to partial hospitalization just so I could have some people to talk to.  Yes, that's how lonely I am.  I have been spending a lot of my days living in my fantasy world.  It passes the time.  In my daydreams, I am beautiful, I am brilliant and I have a husband and six children.  My first pregnancy was quadruplets, twin girls and twin boys.  My second pregnancy resulted in twins also, a girl and a boy.  My husband and I want a very large family, so we are going to get pregnant again.  My name is Primrose, and my husband is Henry.  

Henry is tall, gentle, kind, athletic, funny, smart and loyal.  He thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world.  We have fabulous sex.  It is tender, passionate and spontaneous.  We often get lost in each others eyes, tuning out the whole world.  Most people comment that they have never seen two people so in love.  Our children are very gifted and polite.  Victoria loves music. Lorelai loves to dance.  Jared likes to build things, and Darius just wants to fly.  The two youngest, Skylark and Sebastian love to paint and read.

Henry is a world renowned cardiothoracic surgeon, and Primrose is an astrophysicist.  She has been nominated for a Nobel Prize, and has worked with Stephen Hawking.  While they are very busy people, both enjoy spending as much time with the family as possible.  The do have two nannies and a housekeeper, and live in a 12 bedroom estate in the country.  There is a lake, a fountain and a glorious garden.  There is also a stable and barnyard.  They have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bird.  

Sounds perfect doesn't it?  Well, it is.  That's why I spend so much time there.  I'd rather be there than here.  My world is cold, lonely and dark.  There, everyone is shiny and happy.  Sure, Primrose and Henry have disagreements, and the children misbehave, but it always works out in the end.  Not like real life where things can fall apart around you and your left standing by yourself feeling like a complete fool.

I've never told anyone about my fantasy life before.  I don't know why I am telling you now, except for the fact that I so want it to be true.  Is it the Cinderella complex?  I don't think so.  My other world is not magical, it's just happier and full of the things that I desire .   They say is you believe in a thing you can achieve it.  Well, I believe in love.  How long do I have to wait to achieve it?  Oh well, I guess I'll step into the real world for a moment.  I have to pee.  After that, a little time on the porch with Henry and the children as I have my cigarette.  I leave you all to lead your own lives, where ever they may be.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Depressive Episode #500

The past week has been a nightmare.  I am in a full blown depressive episode.  I sleep all the time, and when I am not sleeping, I am crying.  My mom says it's just post-holiday blues, but it's bigger than that.  I don't want to be here.  I wish I had never been born.

I am in physical pain as well as mental.  Every muscle in my body hurts.  My joints ache.  I wish I could just make the pain go away.  The only good thing is that I am not hallucinating.  I had to miss the first class of the new semester at school because I am basically non-functional.  I finally took a bath last night after 5 days of not bathing or brushing my teeth.  I have worn the same clothes for a week.  It just takes too much effort.

I am isolating like crazy.  I spend most of my time in my darkened room.  I have ventured out for meals and to talk and cry to my mom.  Other than that, I am alone.  I hate myself right now.  There is a group on Facebook for people with bipolar, so I've been posting there.  I have seen my therapist this week, and my doctor today.  There has been a medication change.  I go back to my therapist next week and my doctor in 2 weeks.  So much for being stable.

I saw my medical doctor this week also.  My diabetes is well managed, but I have an eye infection on top of everything else. So, I am on antibiotics until that clears up.  This downward spiral began at the end of November, and has just gotten worse.  There wasn't anything I could do about it because I was broke.  That's 3 months in a row I have mismanaged my money.  It's so stressing that it's making me sick.  I had a panic attack yesterday.  It took my mom a half hour to talk me down.  My aunt doesn't get it, so she's no comfort.

There are some days that I actually feel good.  But, they are few and far between.  I had wanted 2017 to start out on a really positive note, but that didn't happen.  Even when I visited my father, I was so depressed.  I isolated from him too.  I feel a lot of guilt about that.  All I did most of the time is sleep.

Once in a while, we went out to the store.  Mostly, we just stayed in because Michigan is so cold and windy, and we got snow.  The snow was nice.  

I applied for 2 part-time jobs online the other day.  I don't know why I did it, as I am in no way ready to work and go to school.  I have an assignment due tomorrow for my online class, but I don't have the book yet.  I had to order it.  I have no motivation to get it done anyway.  I really don't care at this point if I get a zero on it.  I'm too busy fighting for my life.

I haven't been to mass in 6 weeks.  I just feel like my spirit is dying.  I pray all the time, but I don't think God is listening to me right now.  I guess I am being punished.  I'll do my best to make it to Adoration tomorrow night, and mass this week.  I have to go to confession. I did commit a sin. I stole a bottle of laxatives from the store.  I wonder what my penance will be.  

I'm tired.  Just bone tired.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Suicide is not an option, but I think about it lately, which is never a good sign.  I'm not going to the hospital, that's all I know.  I've been here too many times to count, and have weathered the storms.  I guess I'll get through this one too. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Diamonds on the Ground

The ground is sparkling

The air is still, except for the occasional rustling of the wind

The musical glass chimes sing their song

A song of winter and ice

The streets are quiet, noises cancelled by a blanket of white

People are still snuggled deep under the covers

Not stirring from the warmth of their beds

Breathing the soft air of sleep

The birds will be out soon

pecking the ground for signs of seed

A lucky few will find nourishment at the hands of humans

Bird feeders full to the brim

With the sun, comes the drip of melting ice

Plop, plop, plop on the ground outside the window

Some people will rise with the sun

Coffee brewing as they clean off their cars

The world will awaken and trod on the virgin snow

Dirty slush where the white purity used to be

The diamonds on the ground will fade

Melting away and leaving damp earth behind.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Smoke-filled Hazy Days and Charlie

Okay, the quitting smoking thing is hard.  I say that because I couldn't overcome my anxiety and went to buy a pack on my last day in Michigan.  My father, bless his heart, bought a whole carton for me.

I know  I could have said no thanks, but I couldn't. So, now I am just trying to limit myself to 6 cigarettes a day.  So far, I am not doing very well.  I feel a little bad about it, but at the same time I am relieved.  I will quit, I just don't know when.  I had announced my quit date as Jan. 3rd, but here it is the 5th and I am still puffing away.

Yesterday was a depressive day, so all I did was sleep and smoke.  Today, I feel much better, and am not so anxious.  I think, no I know I will be leaving the house this afternoon.  I have to get gas and go to Walmart to pick up some meds.  I may even actually comb my hair.  I know, big deal right?  Well considering I haven't washed my hair in 3 weeks it is a big deal.  Which reminds me, I need to call the salon for a cut.

I ran out of testing strips for my diabetes, so I haven't tested since yesterday morning. My sugar levels have been good, so I am not too concerned.  I need laxatives too.  I must confess, I am dependent on them.  I take 5 or 6 at night.  It does give me diarrhea the next morning, but it makes me feel so much lighter.  I hate feeling bloated.  I know I am probably doing damage to my colon, but I had a colonoscopy last January, and everything was normal.

I am going to try a chiropractor this month.  Hopefully, they have massage therapy too.  I could really use a deep tissue massage. I used to get them all the time, when I went to a chiropractor back in the '90s.  I would get a massage, drink a lot of water and take a hot shower.  I could feel all the toxins flushing out of my body.  My adjustments made me feel better too.  I carry all my tension in my shoulders and thoracic region of my back.  I think one good crack would do me quite well.

Oh well, that's all that's on my mind right now.  That and Keanu Reeves.  In my dreams, we meet on The View when I am a guest co-host because of my best selling book.  We really click, and he asks me to lunch.  Only problem is, I can't call him Keanu.  It makes me feel all starstruck, so I call him Charlie, since Charles is his middle name.  Anyway, he totally gets me.  He is gentle, kind, funny, doesn't freak out because of my bipolar, and really listens and talks to me.  Naturally, we fall in love and get married after a 2 year relationship.  We adopt 3 biracial siblings, have 2 dogs and a cat and live in Malibu and Michigan.  We are fixing up a Victorian townhouse in New York to be our main home.  The Malibu house was his, and the Michigan cottage was mine. Both of us are deliriously happy because we have been waiting so long to find someone special.  Stupid, isn't it?  But that's the dream that puts me to sleep at night.  It doesn't hurt anyone, so I'll just keep dreaming.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

New Year's Day 2017

Well, it is the first day of a new year. I give a warm welcome to 2017, and a kick in the ass to 2016.  Not that I regret 2016. It just didn't start very well (depression) or end very well (depression).  Today, however, I woke up in a great mood and a ball of energy in my belly. Ah, the joys of being bipolar.  I don't know how the rest of the day will go, but I am determined to make it a good one.

I will not rehash the bad times of 2016, but will instead focus on the good things. Number 1, I lost 55 pounds!! Number 2, out of 4 courses I took in college this year, I got 3 A's and a C+.  The C+  was a computer science course. I would have done better, but all the tests were timed, and I don't do well in those situations.  Number 3, I became a card carrying catholic.  My faith is a little shaky right now, but I am praying for strength and guidance.  Number 4, I am now working with a volunteer organization called Speak for Animals.  I've been working with them on some marketing stuff. So far, it's very exciting and interesting.

As for 2017, there are a couple of big things I want to happen. I want to get on a stable medication regime.  I was feeling really normal for a while, but  things have started to get unsteady again.  I can't concentrate like I want to, and all I really want to do is sleep most of the time. I have a new semester starting on the 9th, so I need to get it together. Next thing I'd like to do is get a job so I can move out on my own.  This would enable me to get a pet and live my life the way I want. Maybe, I will make a few good friends, and even meet Mr. Right.  Of course, I know the last 2 things aren't really anything I can do to facilitate them.  I just have to do the best I can.  I will continue to do the best I can in school, and not strive for perfection.  I am taking 2 courses again, Nonprofit Admin: Human Resource Management, and an online course; Introduction to Art.  I hope both courses are interesting and that I do well.

Anyway, that is all for now.  Aside from the usual resolutions to get healthier and quit smoking, I have nothing else to report. I am still smoking, but I only have one pack left,and I think that will be it.

I'll let you know how everything goes. I am going to try to post more regularly to help clear my head.  I think I'll go take a shower now and get all squeaky clean. Peace, Joy, Love - B