Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Laying Down Burdens

 

I consider myself a faithful Christian. I go to Mass regularly. I pray even when I'm not thinking about it. I am grateful for everything I have. However, God knows that I am not perfect. I am far from it. I still worry about things of which I have no control. I still get angry and take offense when I feel taken for granted. I curse from time to time. I also still get depressed about life. But that is being human isn't it? 

This week, I have been trying to put my best foot forward. I have been counting my blessings. There are many. I am broke, but somehow I have kept the lights on, have gas in my car, and have food to eat. I take care of the animals. They are healthy and eat good food. My apartment, while not luxurious and too small, I can keep it clean. Yesterday, I cleaned and mopped floors, and cleaned out the refrigerator. I have the good fortune to afford the occasional treat, such as a box of brownies and M & M's . I was able to get my prescriptions. So, in short, I have a lot. 

I need to remember all this when I am challenged by the devil to give up on my life. My job is not exciting, but it's a good job. I don't make enough to make all my ends meet, but I manage somehow. I did my taxes this morning, and I'm getting a small refund. Hopefully, it will be enough to make some vacation plans. 

Speaking of which, I went over the calendar for the year, and most of the holidays fall on a Friday. I don't get an extra day off because I am now off on Fridays. This week I started my new schedule, Monday through Thursday 8:15 am to 7:15 pm. Sure it's a long day, but I get an hour for lunch and three 15 minute breaks. The breaks come every 2 hours, so the day is broken up pretty well. I managed pretty well. I have to get up at 5:30 am now so I can get in the bathroom before April and Erica. But, it's not so bad since I've been up anyway. 

I'm having trouble sleeping because of my pain. My shoulders hurt when I lay down, so I've been sleeping in the living room on the couch. I sleep sitting up. I have to get a chair pillow so I can sit up in bed. It's not the most restful sleep I've had, but it's better than being up all night. I had an MRI of my cervical spine yesterday to see if there is anything structural issue with my shoulders. Both of my shoulder joints a burning with pain constantly. Some days/nights are better than others. I'm trying to be more aware of my posture and not hunching my shoulders up. 

I am kinda hoping that there is something wrong. I'm tired of having phantom pain that no doctor seems to be able to explain. I should have the results by Wednesday. 

I dropped out of this semester I was sick the first week and very depressed the second week. I just couldn't do it. I'll go this summer. that's the plan anyway. Hopefully, everything will work out. I really want my degree, and knowing it's only a year and half away makes me want it more. 

It snowed today. So, we are all stuck in the house. It only snowed an inch, but it might as well be a foot in Metro Atlanta. We don't have plows, etc. We have salt trucks, at least I think we do, but we only have like 5. Anyway, people here can't drive in the sunshine. They sure as hell can't drive in bad weather. 

I've been listening to a lot of Gospel music. It helps keep me motivated. I am encouraged and it reminds me to lay my burdens down. Let go and let God. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take my problems and hopes and dreams to God, and he will answer in time. Like the song says, Jesus Can Work It Out! 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Sleepless in Atlanta

 

Well, I'm up again. I don't remember being asleep. I just remember tossing and turning then I was up. So, I haven't written in what seems like months but it hasn't been that long. I hate January. It's amazing how 31 days can seem like a whole year. I suppose it's because it's a new year and there are expectations. 

I didn't make resolutions, but I did make some goals. I tried to adjust my attitude about some things but all of that got blown out of the water when I got the flu. I got my flu shot in November, but I still got sick. I had fever and chills, then I got laryngitis. I lost my voice for over a week. So, I couldn't work. I didn't mind the not working, but I do mind the hit to my paycheck. I had to go negative in my PTO, so I owe the company money. 

I was very close to quitting this week. I just had a lot of trouble motivating myself to do the job. I don't hate the job. I just don't really care any more. I think it's just my depression talking. I've been depressed for a few weeks. I always have trouble in January. The depression after the holidays is pretty normal, but let's face it, my holidays sucked. No tree, no presents, no money. I tried to put on a brave face, really I did. However, it didn't work. My old buddy, depression, came in and settled in for the next few months. 

I haven't been consistent in my self care. I am having trouble taking a shower. I washed my hair this past weekend, but I hadn't washed it for a month. I have to force myself to bathe and brush my teeth. I sleep a lot. Mostly, I just am having a hard time existing. I don't care about myself. A couple of days I had some suicidal thoughts. I really wanted to take some pills and go to sleep. However, I didn't. April and Erica will put me out if I go in the hospital again. I don't want to go to the hospital anyway. I know the drill and I'm not doing it again. 

So, I don't know what else to do but push through. Trouble don't last always, so the song says. I guess I'm going to have to continue to look to the Lord to help me. I certainly can't depend on anyone else. I wish my mom was here. At least I could get a hug. Oh well, until next time 

Peace- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Tomfuckery

 

Okay so I had my 7 day free trial of 2026. I'd like to cancel my subscription effect immediately. In fact, if we can back date it to 12/31/2025, that would be great. Reason for cancellation: Too much tomfuckery and bullshit.

I was ready for this year. I was optimistic and looking forward to meeting my goals that I had set up on my 2026 bingo card. However, The first week of the year was all bullshit, fuckshit and shitty shit. It started out well enough. I had made a commitment to do better at my job. I was going to really try this year. I even had an acronym for my approach. CARE.  Consistency Attitude Respect Effort. It was going to be my mantra. However, it didn't work out that way. 

I asked my supervisor if he had heard anything regarding my level 2 promotion/class. CRICKETS. I heard not nary one single word on the subject. Okay, fine. I asked for some time off on the 16th. NOPE. So, it wasn't available. I was supposed to volunteer for a MLK day event in Atlanta from 10-2 pm. I requested my volunteer time off and got that. I wanted to just take the rest of that Friday off. Not available. Okay, fine. I still needed at least an hour to drive back home from my volunteer assignment in order to work my shift. NOPE, sorry we don't have any time off available for the day. Well fuck me. I guess I'm not doing my volunteer thing because the fucking company won't allow me the drive time to make it back home to work. So, I'm just going to have to work that day. Which in my book is just tomfuckery. 

I rearranged my doctor appointments in order to have the time off, but that was blown to hell because I got sick on the second day of the first week of this month. I got the fucking flu. I had gotten my flu shot in December, but I got sick anyway. I even lost my voice for 2 days. So, I had to use all of my available PTO, and then some. So, my next check is going to be short. 

I had to borrow from my 401K in order to pay my rent and buy food for us. I paid a couple of bills to get caught up, but am now broke again. I need to make at least $3700 a month, which comes out to around $23 an hour. I currently make $18.70 an hour. So, you can see my problem. I simply don't make enough money to support my self in this fucking economy. 

I've started looking for another job again, because I am getting the feeling that Delta Dental is using me. I've thought about what I'm going to do in 10 years. I'd like to retire. So, I rebalanced my 401K, and made my investments more aggressive. I do not want to be answering anyone's fucking calls when I am 70. I've always joked that I would work until I die, but it's not so funny anymore. It's become all about the $$$$$$$$. I had decided to give Delta until March to give me my promotion, but I think I will amend that. I may cut it off by a few weeks to the middle of February. Then, who knows. I will start aggressively look for another job. So, far I've just been applying passively. But now, I just can't afford the bullshit anymore. 

I have a new shift starting on the 26th. I was excited about it. It's M-Th 8:15 am to 7:15 pm. I'm off on Fridays. But it's not turning out well. My primary care doctor is not in the office on Fridays. I wanted to see a dietician, but they aren't in the Johns Creek office on Fridays. Plus, I'm no longer enthusiastic about the company right now, so I'm not sure I want to give them 10 hours a day. 

I am fed up with this year already. I'm cancelling my subscription. I'm just going to go with the flow. I can only breath out of one nostril and my head is killing me. Fuck it. Fuck you 2026. You suck balls.