Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What does Lent mean?

 

This past Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. The first day of Lent. It is a time of reflection, self awareness, growth in our connection to God. Lot's of people think it is also about sacrifice. That is true in a small way. What some people do is fast during Lent. Some people do juice or water fasts. As a diabetic, fasting is not in my wheelhouse. I would love to lose the holiday weight I gained by fasting, but I have to keep my blood sugar at a level rate. So, in order to practice my Lenten fast, I gave up something important to me. M & Ms chocolate candy. 

I know your thinking, WHAT?!. That's not a real sacrifice. Trust me when I tell you for me, it is. It is taking a great deal of willpower for me to not go buy some. I will allow myself a small bag on Sundays, but other than that, it's a no go. How is this a sacrifice? That's easy. I've become addicted to them. I was eating them all the time. That's how I gained so much weight. I don't know how I got hooked on them. I like them a lot, but this was a psychological thing as well. I would get a serotonin boost from them. So, I popped those suckers all day long. It worked on my mood. I could feel the difference from before and after eating them. I have to pray about it constantly, "Please God, do not let me buy any M & Ms. Remove the desire for them from my mind and body. Help me concentrate on you." 

I know that may sound ridiculous to some people, but it's a challenge for me. I should have given up cigarettes again too, but I didn't want to become a raging bitch. Cigarettes calm me down. They allow me to satisfy a deeply entrenched oral fixation. I can't go back to gum. That's how I broke a tooth last year. If you think it isn't hard for me your wrong. It is. Very hard. I'm trying to satisfy my urge to eat with health choices like apples, carrots, and pineapple. So, far it's working okay. I also decided to try the Mounjaro again to help lose some weight. I ate a couple of times this week more out of necessity than desire. 

With Lent, we remember the 40 days of fasting Jesus did in the wilderness. So, I figure, if Jesus can go without for 40 days in the wilderness, I could at least sit in my comfy living room and go without chocolate candy. It's another wiring of the brain challenge. The next few days will be hard because a milestone day is coming up. It's the anniversary of my mom's passing. I'm trying not to get bogged down with the sadness, instead remembering the happier times. Since I'm off on Friday, I think I may just have a weepy day and watch sad movies. Terms of Endearment, Love Story and Steel Magnolias. Those are always good for a good cry. 

I hope to deepen my relationship with God with pray and fasting. I missed church on Ash Wednesday, so I'm not starting off too well. This Sunday I plan on being there early. Should be easy since Zelda wakes me up at 5:30 now. I will be able to reflect on my life and some of the choices I've made, and move forward. Spring is the time of year for new beginnings. Maybe this year will be better, I certainly hope so. 

Peace, Joy, Love- B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Valentine's Day

 

Today is Valentine's Day. A day manufactured to pressure people into showing their loved ones how much they care. Cynical? I guess. I'd prefer to have someone get me flowers just because. No reason required. I being terminally single, do not participate in this day. I suppose I wouldn't be cynical if I had a significant other. However, it just doesn't doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. 

So, here I am, up at 4:30 in the morning sitting at my computer trying to think of something to say. I've tried the dating sites. I've been involved in romance scams, but never to the point where I actually gave the clown money. I mostly just lived in a little fantasy by imaging that someone out there actually loved me. 

My fantasies are quite nice. They allow me to dream of the perfect man. Well, he's never really perfect in the sense that he has no flaws. He is, however, perfect for me. He gets me and all of my accompanying bullshit. Loving a person with a mental illness is not easy. I know the movies make it look so romantic and tragic. It's more like approaching a bear. Depending on the circumstances, the bear could ignore you totally and go on his way or he could charge at you and rip your face off. That's the challenge of loving a person like me. You have to poke me to get my attention. I will either open myself up or close you out completely. I may, at times, rip your face off. 

What kind of romance do I want? At this age, I just want a steady, slow burn. Ideally, we would both have our interests outside of each other and get together a few times of week for sex. Sure, we'd hang out sometimes, but I really prefer to sit on the couch alone. You know, curled up in a blanket with a cat on my lap. I haven't got time for someone who wants to spend every waking moment with me. He'd get on my nerves. Plus, most men are messy, and I am becoming more OCD regarding my housework. 

So, I'll be spending Valentine's day alone. Again. But don't feel sorry for me. I'm not unhappy. I'm just unattached. So, if you have someone in your life, do a little something for him/her today. Or you could take my suggestion and buy your gift any one of  the other days of the year. You'll score bigger points. 

Peace-B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Great Unlearning

 

I've been in therapy since I was 22 years old. I am now 60 years old. For those doing the math, that is 32 years of therapy. Yes, that's a long time. In that time, I have also been hospitalized 15 times, and attempted suicide 6 times. I suppose some people will think I didn't have the right therapists or the right medications. I did and I didn't. That's the cruel nature of mental illness. You have to have the right medications and the right therapists at the same time for things to go right. 

I have had some top quality therapists. Some of them held my hand, and others let me discover things on my own. I owe a lot to those who held my hand and comforted me during some of the most horrible times in my life. I needed them. I needed to be "held" and told everything will be okay. Those therapists got me strong enough to stand on my own 2 feet so I could face the really hard part of therapy. The Great Unlearning. 

What is that? That is the term I use when describing undoing all of the mental and emotional habits I learned along the way. Some of them were methods of survival. Others were the result of the tapes of the voices I constantly heard in my head from the time I was 5 yrs old. My mind was quite strong and convinced me from a very young age that all that was wrong in the world was my fault. 

My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic. She had many years of stability, but every once in a while she would have a break and things spiraled out of control very very quickly. No one explained to me what was happening. I didn't know my mom had a illness. I didn't know what depression was. I just knew my mom was very unhappy and it was my job to cheer her up. Most people don't recognize the fact that little kids are very self-centered. Not in a negative way, but in a way that everything in their world revolves around them. All they know is in a very tight circle. They recognize very early that if they do something bad, mom and dad are unhappy with them. If they do something great or funny, mom and dad are very pleased with them. To a child, whatever she does has a direct impact on the world around her. Hence, if my mom was unhappy and crying, it must have been something I had done. 

So, because I was a child with a child's perception, I thought that I was charged with the task of making my mom well. I had to keep her happy. I had to make her want to stay. You see good girl's moms didn't try to kill themselves and go away. A good girl's mom wanted to stay with her daughter and love her, play with her, and make cookies. I really thought that my mom didn't love me enough to want to stay alive. If she died, it would be my fault and everyone would be mad at me. 

So, my mind started recording these "truths" as I knew them. The tapes recorded every negative feeling about myself. I was too stupid, too ugly, too fat, too dirty, just too much of everything that was bad. Since there was no one to contradict these "truths", I believed my mind and became convinced that everything I thought was true. That's not to say that I didn't have a loving family surrounding me, because I did. I just never verbalized these thoughts and feelings, so no one told me anything different. 

So, until about 5 years ago, at the ripe old age of 55 years old, those tapes have been playing in my head non-stop. I tried to pretend that I was okay, and that I was a lovable person, but I didn't really believe it. I was in the hospital when one of the therapist talked to us about the "wiring" in our heads. When I got out, I read up on it. I mentioned it to my current therapist, who explained it to me in detail. My mind was wired to react in certain ways not just behaviorally, but chemically. When I was feeling a certain way, this particular chemical was released causing my body to behave a certain way. The best example is the fight or flight response. When you are in danger, your body releases a chemical that triggers you nervous system to release adrenalin which will enable you to either run away or fight the threat. I was one of the unfortunates who always felt in danger, so I was constantly in fight or flight mode. I lived in a constant state on anxiety ready to run or fight. You can imagine what a told that takes on your body. 

At any rate, I had to learn to re-wire my brain to reset my chemical pathways. It's taken a very long time. I'm not done. 55 years of loathing yourself doesn't end one day and everything is peachy keen. No, it takes a lot of effort and sometimes a great deal of pain to unlearn all of those negative reactions. I had to face a lot of truths about my family and about myself. It hurt, a lot. Then in the middle of my unlearning and reprogramming my parents died. All of the old tapes started playing again. It became an internal battle of wits. I had to practice a lot of positive self talk to convince myself that my mind was lying to me. 

Every once in a while, my brain will fire up the old stereo and blast a tape of self hatred, but it doesn't last long anymore. I can pretty much shut it down whenever it happens. But, there are times when I'm feeling particularly vunerable and it's a little hard to shut them down. However, I have unlearned a great deal, and I know who I am now. I'm finally a functioning adult. It took a long time, but I realize that while I am a powerful person, I am not so powerful that I can control the world. I can only affect my little corner. That's cool with me. It's peaceful. I've earned this peace. No one can take it from me. I am me. If you like me, great. If not, that's cool too. I'm okay with who I am. I've learned a lot, and unlearned a lot too. 

Peace, Joy Love- B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Laying Down Burdens

 

I consider myself a faithful Christian. I go to Mass regularly. I pray even when I'm not thinking about it. I am grateful for everything I have. However, God knows that I am not perfect. I am far from it. I still worry about things of which I have no control. I still get angry and take offense when I feel taken for granted. I curse from time to time. I also still get depressed about life. But that is being human isn't it? 

This week, I have been trying to put my best foot forward. I have been counting my blessings. There are many. I am broke, but somehow I have kept the lights on, have gas in my car, and have food to eat. I take care of the animals. They are healthy and eat good food. My apartment, while not luxurious and too small, I can keep it clean. Yesterday, I cleaned and mopped floors, and cleaned out the refrigerator. I have the good fortune to afford the occasional treat, such as a box of brownies and M & M's . I was able to get my prescriptions. So, in short, I have a lot. 

I need to remember all this when I am challenged by the devil to give up on my life. My job is not exciting, but it's a good job. I don't make enough to make all my ends meet, but I manage somehow. I did my taxes this morning, and I'm getting a small refund. Hopefully, it will be enough to make some vacation plans. 

Speaking of which, I went over the calendar for the year, and most of the holidays fall on a Friday. I don't get an extra day off because I am now off on Fridays. This week I started my new schedule, Monday through Thursday 8:15 am to 7:15 pm. Sure it's a long day, but I get an hour for lunch and three 15 minute breaks. The breaks come every 2 hours, so the day is broken up pretty well. I managed pretty well. I have to get up at 5:30 am now so I can get in the bathroom before April and Erica. But, it's not so bad since I've been up anyway. 

I'm having trouble sleeping because of my pain. My shoulders hurt when I lay down, so I've been sleeping in the living room on the couch. I sleep sitting up. I have to get a chair pillow so I can sit up in bed. It's not the most restful sleep I've had, but it's better than being up all night. I had an MRI of my cervical spine yesterday to see if there is anything structural issue with my shoulders. Both of my shoulder joints a burning with pain constantly. Some days/nights are better than others. I'm trying to be more aware of my posture and not hunching my shoulders up. 

I am kinda hoping that there is something wrong. I'm tired of having phantom pain that no doctor seems to be able to explain. I should have the results by Wednesday. 

I dropped out of this semester I was sick the first week and very depressed the second week. I just couldn't do it. I'll go this summer. that's the plan anyway. Hopefully, everything will work out. I really want my degree, and knowing it's only a year and half away makes me want it more. 

It snowed today. So, we are all stuck in the house. It only snowed an inch, but it might as well be a foot in Metro Atlanta. We don't have plows, etc. We have salt trucks, at least I think we do, but we only have like 5. Anyway, people here can't drive in the sunshine. They sure as hell can't drive in bad weather. 

I've been listening to a lot of Gospel music. It helps keep me motivated. I am encouraged and it reminds me to lay my burdens down. Let go and let God. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take my problems and hopes and dreams to God, and he will answer in time. Like the song says, Jesus Can Work It Out! 

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Sleepless in Atlanta

 

Well, I'm up again. I don't remember being asleep. I just remember tossing and turning then I was up. So, I haven't written in what seems like months but it hasn't been that long. I hate January. It's amazing how 31 days can seem like a whole year. I suppose it's because it's a new year and there are expectations. 

I didn't make resolutions, but I did make some goals. I tried to adjust my attitude about some things but all of that got blown out of the water when I got the flu. I got my flu shot in November, but I still got sick. I had fever and chills, then I got laryngitis. I lost my voice for over a week. So, I couldn't work. I didn't mind the not working, but I do mind the hit to my paycheck. I had to go negative in my PTO, so I owe the company money. 

I was very close to quitting this week. I just had a lot of trouble motivating myself to do the job. I don't hate the job. I just don't really care any more. I think it's just my depression talking. I've been depressed for a few weeks. I always have trouble in January. The depression after the holidays is pretty normal, but let's face it, my holidays sucked. No tree, no presents, no money. I tried to put on a brave face, really I did. However, it didn't work. My old buddy, depression, came in and settled in for the next few months. 

I haven't been consistent in my self care. I am having trouble taking a shower. I washed my hair this past weekend, but I hadn't washed it for a month. I have to force myself to bathe and brush my teeth. I sleep a lot. Mostly, I just am having a hard time existing. I don't care about myself. A couple of days I had some suicidal thoughts. I really wanted to take some pills and go to sleep. However, I didn't. April and Erica will put me out if I go in the hospital again. I don't want to go to the hospital anyway. I know the drill and I'm not doing it again. 

So, I don't know what else to do but push through. Trouble don't last always, so the song says. I guess I'm going to have to continue to look to the Lord to help me. I certainly can't depend on anyone else. I wish my mom was here. At least I could get a hug. Oh well, until next time 

Peace- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Tomfuckery

 

Okay so I had my 7 day free trial of 2026. I'd like to cancel my subscription effect immediately. In fact, if we can back date it to 12/31/2025, that would be great. Reason for cancellation: Too much tomfuckery and bullshit.

I was ready for this year. I was optimistic and looking forward to meeting my goals that I had set up on my 2026 bingo card. However, The first week of the year was all bullshit, fuckshit and shitty shit. It started out well enough. I had made a commitment to do better at my job. I was going to really try this year. I even had an acronym for my approach. CARE.  Consistency Attitude Respect Effort. It was going to be my mantra. However, it didn't work out that way. 

I asked my supervisor if he had heard anything regarding my level 2 promotion/class. CRICKETS. I heard not nary one single word on the subject. Okay, fine. I asked for some time off on the 16th. NOPE. So, it wasn't available. I was supposed to volunteer for a MLK day event in Atlanta from 10-2 pm. I requested my volunteer time off and got that. I wanted to just take the rest of that Friday off. Not available. Okay, fine. I still needed at least an hour to drive back home from my volunteer assignment in order to work my shift. NOPE, sorry we don't have any time off available for the day. Well fuck me. I guess I'm not doing my volunteer thing because the fucking company won't allow me the drive time to make it back home to work. So, I'm just going to have to work that day. Which in my book is just tomfuckery. 

I rearranged my doctor appointments in order to have the time off, but that was blown to hell because I got sick on the second day of the first week of this month. I got the fucking flu. I had gotten my flu shot in December, but I got sick anyway. I even lost my voice for 2 days. So, I had to use all of my available PTO, and then some. So, my next check is going to be short. 

I had to borrow from my 401K in order to pay my rent and buy food for us. I paid a couple of bills to get caught up, but am now broke again. I need to make at least $3700 a month, which comes out to around $23 an hour. I currently make $18.70 an hour. So, you can see my problem. I simply don't make enough money to support my self in this fucking economy. 

I've started looking for another job again, because I am getting the feeling that Delta Dental is using me. I've thought about what I'm going to do in 10 years. I'd like to retire. So, I rebalanced my 401K, and made my investments more aggressive. I do not want to be answering anyone's fucking calls when I am 70. I've always joked that I would work until I die, but it's not so funny anymore. It's become all about the $$$$$$$$. I had decided to give Delta until March to give me my promotion, but I think I will amend that. I may cut it off by a few weeks to the middle of February. Then, who knows. I will start aggressively look for another job. So, far I've just been applying passively. But now, I just can't afford the bullshit anymore. 

I have a new shift starting on the 26th. I was excited about it. It's M-Th 8:15 am to 7:15 pm. I'm off on Fridays. But it's not turning out well. My primary care doctor is not in the office on Fridays. I wanted to see a dietician, but they aren't in the Johns Creek office on Fridays. Plus, I'm no longer enthusiastic about the company right now, so I'm not sure I want to give them 10 hours a day. 

I am fed up with this year already. I'm cancelling my subscription. I'm just going to go with the flow. I can only breath out of one nostril and my head is killing me. Fuck it. Fuck you 2026. You suck balls.