Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Spinning on the Mood Cycle

 

Whoa! My mood has really been swinging the past day and half. First dark, now light. In fact it's so light, I'm blinded. I don't know what's happening to me. I have to talk to my doctor, yet again. I just spoke to her on the 13th, and everything was somewhat stable, but now I am spinning all over the place. Unfortunately, it sounds like another medication adjustment. 

Last week, I spent 2 days just puttering around the house. The thought of working was repugnant. So, I took some time off and did some self care to improve my mood. I did my hair, my nails and started wearing makeup. Nothing big, just eyeliner, mascara, a little eyeshadow and lip gloss. I must admit I felt better. But it seems that was just the beginning of this high I'm on now. 

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. I was up until 4 and woke up at 7:15 am. Now, I am wired and have that weird grinding feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I'm manic. I channeled all that energy into housework of course, and scrubbed the bathroom down. Washed all my clothes and linens, changed the bed and took the dog for a long walk. I'd like to say I'm exhausted, but I'm not. I even tried to laydown and take a cat nap, but I just laid there quietly for a half hour. 

I'm out of Trazadone, and I won't be able to get my refill until tomorrow at the earliest. It's going to be a long night. I will probably be up until 4 am again. Maybe I can get Erica to give me one of her pills. I'm also hot. I got from hot to cold and back again. When I'm not doing anything, I'm cold, as soon as I start to move I'm hot. Before you suggest it, there's nothing wrong with my thyroid. I've had it tested numerous times. 

Thursday night I had the satanic nightmares. I thought those were long gone, but low and behold, I had one. The devil's minions were trying to chain me to a bed in hell. I kept fighting and screaming. Finally I broke free and went running down a long dark hallway. Apparently, when I have these dreams I kick a lot, and my poor cat, Zelda goes flying across the room. I've been exercising more like everyone says to encourage good sleep, but sometimes it makes my back or leg hurt and I can't sleep. On those nights, I sleep on the couch. It provides a little more support than my bed. I'm still sleeping on an air mattress. I'm expecting my state tax refund very soon, and I'm going to be purchasing a real bed. 

I've been doing a little thinking and tracking of my moods for the past few months. Along with everything else that's going on with me emotionally, I think I've actually been suffering from the symptoms of PMS around the 22nd of the month. It's the same symptoms as when I had a period, except no bloating, cramps or bleeding. I get irritable, I get depressed, and very, very fatigued. It's almost as if I still have a period. I guess I'll have to do some digging to find out what happens in post menopausal women. I know that the week before my period, I used to get hypersexual. It was like I was looking to breed, in heat as it were. I still get that way, I have sex dreams, and usually masturbate at least once that week. I don't do it that often anymore. I'm so dry it's no fun. I tell you if I do ever have sex again, I'll need those suppositories. 

Right now, I'm hungry tired and hyped up all at the same time. This is definitely not a day or week to make decisions or spend money. Although, I just did spend $3.00 for a new ringtone which I didn't need. I've had Bittersweet Symphony for a while, I changed it to Soulful Strut. 

I made some shrimp alfredo last night. It's awful. I have to eat at least one more meal and maybe lunch since there is so much of it. I didn't have enough linguini, so I used spaghetti. Actually, it was angel hair pasta, which doesn't have enough body. I also didn't have enough money for the good sauce. I had to doctor it up, but when I served my self, I used too much salt. I choked it down though. The shrimp was previously frozen and came out tough. I wish I had some garlic bread. There's some salmon in the freezer, but I don't think I'll eat it. But then again, I don't have any food for dinner this week. I get paid on Wednesday, but everything goes to rent since I got a little too friendly with Amazon the past 2 weeks. 

That's another thing I do when I'm manic. I spend too much money. I'll be looking at something, and just go "Fuck it" and next thing you know it's a purchase. Usually, it's a purchase that could have waited, or I didn't need in the first place. Then I feel guilty about spending the money, chastise myself and feel shame and depression sets in. I tell you, this is not a fun thing. I'm trying to get to a level 2 which pays $20.50 per hour, which is almost $40k a year. But, my boss told me I need at least one more month f consistent quality and more self confidence in order to take the class. 

The irony is, I'm fantastic in a classroom. Always have been. But there are things that come up from time to time on the phones that I haven't dealt with before, so I ask questions. However, if I am to believe my boss, she's instructed my coordinator not to answer my question right away, to see if I can figure it out myself. Which I usually do. Of course, there are some things that are total guesstimates on my part, but I stick with it because it makes sense to me. Besides, I've made notes and a phone script for my job which has helped me a lot. 

I have to be in the office the whole week of May 20th, as does everyone. That will be interesting. I have my little desk all set up, so I hope I get to stay where I am. In all honesty, if Erica had a car, I would go to the office everyday except Friday. I like it there. I don't have the need to have TV on in the background like I do at home. I like to hear everyone else talking. Plus I wouldn't have all the noise that April and Erica make when they come home. 

I'm taking 1/2 day on Wednesday and a full day off on Thursday. I have to see the retina specialist on Wednesday and my physical and dental appointments are on Thursday. I'm getting 2 crowns. I'm trying to avoid dentures and implants at all cost. I can't afford them and don't want to buy Polident denture cleaner. Implants sound incredibly painful to me. Plus it takes too long. I'm trying to keep the teeth I have. One crown has to be replaced, and one tooth has a big filling on it that is leaking, whatever that means. 

Okay, I think that's everything. I've ramble on and on, but I'm not sure I made a point. 

Take of this what you will

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Coming Out of the Dark

 

Well, the past few days have been dark for me. I'm not really sure why, but I think it has to do with the fact that I am lonely. I long for the touch of another human. Talking online is fine, but I need a hug once in a while. My body is actually starving for it. 

It started on Saturday. I was supposed to go to a skating party with some people from work. I was really looking forward to it. But when I go there the place looked run down and janky. I got there on time, but had to wait for 45 minutes until someone showed up from work. Of course, by that time my anxiety reared it's ugly head and I ended up leaving without going in. 

This was my second attempt at being social and it failed. I had wanted to volunteer with the Atlanta Food Bank, but I got all discombobulated driving in the city and couldn't find it, and parking was expensive. So, I just ended up driving home. That was my first attempt. I thought I do something for my community and be social, but no go. The second attempt was the skating thing. I am so ashamed of myself, and feel so bad that I couldn't accomplish my goal. 

Thirdly, I decided that I wanted to stop smoking. I lasted a whole 48 hours before caving in and buying a pack of cigarettes. Another failure, more shame. 

I got a life coach on this program they have at work. I'm trying to get more support to stop smoking and manage my weight. I managed to put on another 6 pounds from my week long smoke free existence. That was a few weeks ago. As a result, I ate everything to satisfy my oral fixation. It didn't work, and now I'm back up to 220 pounds. About 2 months ago I was 199 pounds. I'm going to speak to my endocrinologist about getting back on Ozempic. It worked well. 

I also have to get off my ass and start walking more. I got a fitness watch. So, I've been tracking my steps. My daily goal is 3000. I've only met it once. I got 4500 steps in last Saturday. I took a walk to Starbucks. It's about a mile or so up the road. 

So, you know, I know perfectly well how to pull myself out of dark places. It just talks so much effort. I just don't understand why I can't just do things like most people. I have to switch my whole mindset if I want to do even the slightest thing. I have talk myself into bathing. I have to get in the mood to cook nutritious meals. I have to put my mind on go just to walk the dog. 

I've decided to try something different. I'm going to date myself. I'm going to see a play and take myself to dinner. I'm going to see if I can find a club or something for people my age and go listen to some music maybe dance in the corner by myself. lol. I'm tired of being Miss Lonely Jeans. I want to have a few friends, and if I meet someone, okay. Meeting a man is not in my top ten priorities. 

There are times I miss Brad, my fuck buddy. We were good in bed together, but I had to spoil it but saying the "R" word. You guessed it; relationship. I just should have kept my mouth shut. 

I also am still trying to get my butt to church. I'm just going to go on Saturdays I think. I can't seem to make Sunday happen. April and Erica do things without me all the time. So, I guess I'll have to do things and not think about them so much. 

I want to reach a place of loving myself and being comfortable with myself within the next few months. I've been trying to plan a trip for us, but I'm not getting much input. I'll just have to plan the trip for me. I think I'll look up a singles travel group today. Then I'll look for some plays to see in my area. It's time I spent my days in the light, and save the dark for sleeping. 

Peace, Joy, Love-B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Never Ending Feeling

 

Okay, so for the past couple of months, I've been in my emotions. I've been depressed, I've been euphoric and I've been angry. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's wrong, but I figured it out yesterday in my session with my therapist, Stephanie. 

The biggest reason I've been so emotionally over the place is simply because of all the dates that have reminded me of those I have lost over the past 4 years. I thought I was moving passed my grief, but it came up behind me and punched me in the head. 

December 21st is my father's birthday. I used to go and visit him for his birthday and stay until the new year. Christmas was very lackluster last year. Since we're in a tiny apartment, we couldn't decorate like we used to do. 

January 6th is the date of my dad's death. My Aunt Berta's birthday is January 10th. She was my favorite aunt. My mom died on February 26 and her birthday is April 4th. So, I have been bombarded with all of these memories. I thought I was doing okay, but apparently not so much. 

I've been having dreams about my mother. They are not pleasant dreams. They start out fine, but in the end we always end up fighting. I wake up angry. I feel bad because I'm not looking at these dreams as a beautiful visitation, but as a confrontation with her about her dying. I am still angry at her for leaving me. I don't blame her, you understand, I'm just angry because I didn't have time to prepare. I didn't get a chance to say a proper goodbye when she was alive. 

Stephanie says I need to forgive her and change my perspective. I need to look at my life now and compare it to how it was when my mom was still here. I had an extremely co-dependent relationship with my mom. I used to call her everyday, most of the time crying or feeling sad. I depended on her financially, emotionally and spiritually. Now that she's gone, I've had to depend on myself. I have to say it's been tough going. I have only now figured out how to manage my money at the age of 58. I have only now figured out how to bring myself out of a depression. I have only now begun to view myself as an adult. I fought it for the past 4 years but I think I'm making progress. 

The one thing I still need to work on is forgiveness of her. I can't look at her death with anger anymore. I simply must come to realize that she was 80 yrs old and she was sick. She did not leave me on purpose. She simply died. 

Stephanie also gave me a checklist to go over when I'm feeling overwhelmed and emotional. 

1. Relationship issues or lack thereof: I would like to be married, but it's no longer crucial to my happiness. I'm feeling alright. If I meet someone, that would be great, but if not, that's okay too. 

2. Finances and work issues: Like I said, I finally figured out my money. I'd like to make more money which is why I am being intentional at work because I want to be promoted. I am still a level 1 at work, and I want to be a level 2. However, I was just placed on verbal warning at work because of my call quality. I have taken steps to work on it, and feel I'm getting better. I still have work to do, but I am taking steps to be more aware of my job and what is expected of me. It's up to me to put in the work. I am excited to go to work now. I go into the office twice a week now. Mostly because of the quality issue, but also I find that I enjoy it. I have a better time talking to real people and not just listening to people on TV. 

3. Grief and Loss: I know that the grief I feel will always be with me. I know that the beginning of the year is difficult for me. I have to anticipate it going forward and adjust my feelings accordingly. 

4. Health: Oh my God, I need to just go in for a full body makeover. Something always hurts and the chronic pain is exhausting and depressing. There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed. But, I force myself to get up and take a hot shower on those days to get my blood pumping. I can take better care of myself I know. Like I could walk more, drink more water, start taking my vitamins again, etc. I would like nothing better than to stop taking my diabetes med, and blood pressure meds, but until I get off my butt and do something about it, it's going to be my routine. The trouble is that I'm just plan lazy. Self motivation is not my strong suit. 

5. Social Interactions or lack thereof: Let's face it, I have no friends. I know of a couple of people in the complex that I say hello to, but that's it. I have my coworkers, but I am not a friend of any of them. I suppose I could reach out to Arlita. She's about my age, and she's very sweet. I could also get off my ass and go to church every week. I don't know what the issue is there, but I haven't been to mass in several months. I am going to volunteer at the food bank this Saturday, I'm hoping to do it at least once a month. Also, our team is having a skating party on the 20th. I'm going, but I can't skate. I'll just play a few games and sit around and talk. I'm going to have a good time. 

So, there you go. Those are the things I discovered in my therapy session yesterday. It's a lot but it was very useful information. I'm going to write down some things I remember about my mom and dad, since I am beginning to fade on those things. Stephanie said to write it down in a letter or poem and keep it so that if I ever feel like I am losing my connection to them I can pull it out and feel better and not miss them so much. 

That is my struggle and it's a real struggle that I have to deal with every minute of my life. Each second thoughts crowd my mind, and I have to fight off the negative thoughts and bask in the glow of the positive thoughts. It's a beautiful day here today. I may take a walk. I'll let the sun shine on me for a while. Today is a good day. 

Peace, Love, Joy - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Off Center

 

It's 4:51 am EST. The rest of the world around me is still fast asleep. I can hear the sound of distant thunder from the Amazon Echo in the bedroom. Both my sister and niece are cocooned in their blankets, just hours to beginning another day. For me, yesterday never ended. One day has bled into the next and here I am, body aching and eyes strained from lack of sleep. I'll just take a hot shower and have a couple of cups of coffee. That will be my morning after they've left for work. 

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 84 yrs old. She's been gone 4 years now. I'm used to the idea of her not being here, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Sometimes, when I dream about her, I wake up angry. I still get mad at her for leaving. In my mind, I both love her to infinity and  hate her with all of the intensity of a spoiled brat. 

I know that she is the reason I have been up all night. For the past month, I have been feeling this day creep it's way into the crevices of my brain. Feelings of worthlessness and doubt have popped into an otherwise routine life. I don't really have much to look forward to anymore. There is no family except for April and Erica, and there are times when I am still left out of the conversation. I don't mind really, the brief sprinkling of topics that I do hear them talk about are of no consequence to me and I find them to be quite silly. 

My brother is speaking to me again. Well, we actually haven't had a conversation, but I'm off of his shit list. I suppose I should thank him, because if it wasn't for him shutting me out, I wouldn't have learned to stand on my own. I'm doing an okay job. I still have no friends, and money is tight, but the rent is paid, we have electricity, car insurance and water. Our food is not as glamorous as it once was, as a loaf of bread now costs $4 or more. We have 3 animals to feed too. We did have 4, but one of our cats died a couple of weeks ago. Each of us grieved in our own way. I cried for a day. 

I've been feeling a little off for the past month or so. The chronic pain is depressing and I'm tired of going to doctors. I have an appointment with my therapist on Saturday just to talk things out. I haven't been able to concentrate until tonight as a matter of fact regarding my feelings and emotions. I can't quite figure out what's wrong with me. I suppose I am missing my parents but that doesn't feel like the issue. I miss my dad a lot, but I don't get angry thinking about him. 

There is an issue that is bothering me. I'm starting to forget little details about them. I still remember a lot, but somethings aren't as vivid. I can still hear my mom and my dad laugh, and that makes me smile because they both had a boisterous laugh as well as a very corny sense of humor. I remember my mom baking in the kitchen and the smell of vanilla and butter permeating the house. I see my self running down the stairs when I saw my dad drive in from work to great him at the door. There were family dinners and Sunday morning waffles. Trips to the mall were a Saturday night outing. But it the little stuff I'm having trouble recalling. 

I can't remember exactly what my mom's hands looked like. I forgot her favorite perfume. The only flower I know she liked were hydrangeas and I'm not positive about that. It's crap like that that has me feeling low. I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I suppose it would help if I had all my photo albums and letters, but they are locked up in the storage unit. That reminds me to call about the price of a garage. However, I want us to blow this place when our lease is up. I'm having some premonitions about winning the Powerball. If that's the case, I think I will stay here, and let April and Erica go on their merry way. 

My job is okay. I'm getting better at it. I'm still learning stuff. I'll be there 2 years in June. I'd like to be a level 2 by then. I was supposed to start training this month, but the powers that be decided that I was not ready. I must work on my consistency. I know how to do the job, and I'm good at it. It's just that I get lazy and don't try to keep all my balls in the air. I've done it before, so they know I can. Right now I'm on verbal warning for quality so I have to go to the office 2 days a week. It's not bad. It gets me out of the house at least. 

That's all for now. I guess it is. I guess I'll make myself some coffee. Today I will center myself and take my time. I will do my best in each moment. No one will be able to say that I didn't try. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B