Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Lies

 

The lies have started again.  The ones in my head that tell me how ugly and useless I am.  The ones that tell me that I am a complete failure and will never amount to anything.  The ones that say everyone is against me and people don't like me.

I've started to become paranoid.  I feel like people are watching me and laughing at me.  They are just waiting for me to fail.  The only person that likes me is Zelda, and she's not human.  I think April and Erica are talking about me.  They go into their rooms and close the door.  I am not invited.  No one talks to me.  They are making plans without me.  They go places without me.  The eat without me, and only prepare enough for themselves.

The job is shit.  I suck at it.  I don't know why I bother.  Would you buy insurance from a useless blob like me?  What's happening to me?  I called the doctor, and got an appointment for tomorrow.  I'm not suicidal, but I do want to go to a place where no one knows me.  Right now, I haven't any money, so here I sit in this stupid room in this dumb apartment.  I pretend to give a damn, but I don't.  

In the meeting this morning, they were talking about being the best person you can be.  Well, I've tried being upbeat and friendly and where did it get me?  I have spent the past five months texting a man who obviously had no intention of meeting me.  He's probably married.  He won't call or meet anywhere.  Why do I attract such losers?  Do I leave a scent of desperation?

I have an appointment in 45 minutes.  I need the sale badly.  But he won't buy.  He's a sixty-four year old real estate agent.  I'm sure he's got insurance up the wazoo.  I should have just stayed in bed.  Life is for the living you know, and I'm not living.  I'm existing.  I'm taking up the space of someone who could do some good in the world.  

Lies, it's all lies.  My head is full of self hate and all those old voices.  I have not prayed in a long time.  Would it help?  I don't know.  I know I'll end up crying.  I don't want to cry.  I'm a little to angry at this very second.  I hate this disease.  It robs you of your sense of self.  I suppose it's good to feel angry, since I haven't felt much in the past couple of weeks.  Feelings are overrated.  What good do the serve?

I know my mind is lying to me.  But with every rebuttal, it screams that much louder.  I think I'll go smoke.  I've said what I wanted to say.  Will it make a difference?  Probably not, but at least I got to vent a little.  Fuck them, fuck all of them. 

B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Six Months

 

Dear Mom, 

It was 6 months last Wednesday.  6 months without your voice, your hugs, your laughter to get me through the day.  I was in bed all last week.  I felt horrible.  I experienced one of the worst periods in a long while.  I bled all over the place, and the cramps were almost unbearable.  I slept almost the entire time.

I think of you off and on.  I don't think of you everyday.  I wonder why that is.  I've been compartmentalizing my feelings lately.  I've just been putting thoughts and feelings in little boxes in my mind.  I used to do that all the time, until one day they all came crashing down on my head.  I have a box for you, a box about my money problems, a box for Tony. 

Speaking of Tony, I don't think that I love him like I thought.  I haven't heard from him in a week.  I told him, via text of course, that I wanted to move forward in our relationship and actually talk on the phone or Zoom or anything.  That was the last I heard from him.  I got to thinking about it, and I was always the one initiating conversations.  I decided not to chase him.  He knows how to reach me if he wants to.  So, in the meantime, I have decided to move it along.  

I don't feel sad about it.  To tell the truth, I don't feel anything about, just indifference.  I opened myself up to him, and it seems he doesn't think enough of me to take what I have to give.  I know I am a good person, and I deserve someone who want to be with me.  So, I guess I just put him on a shelf with all the other disappointments of 2020.

My job is still a challenge of my self esteem.  I made a sale last week, only to have it cancelled.  So, I lost a $600 commision.  I have to get a sale in order to pay for my car repairs.  I must get it together and take no prisoners.  I promised myself 2 years in this job, but I don't know if I'll make it.  I just don't seem to have it in me.  I was thinking of just getting a job at Amazon or something.  I might get over that feeling, I don't know.  I wish I had someone to talk to about it.  I just feel so lost sometimes. 

My birthday was good.  I got flowers, and money.  Of course, had I known then what I know now, I would have banked the money.  My account is overdrawn again.  I hate myself for that.  I wish I knew what my problem is.  I can't keep a dime in my pocket.  I'm tired of being always broke.

Erica says she is moving into her own place in January.  I don't know what April's plans are.  I guess I better start planning something.  Looks like low income housing for me.  I guess I better start looking into it today.  Now that you're gone, my greatest fear has become homelessness.  I'll just be some sad sack living in my car.

Aunt Berta is in the hospital.  She's been there since last Saturday.  She has severe edema.  They've drained about 1000cc of fluid from her lungs and belly.  She said she is feeling better, but they still don't know what the problem is.  I'll tell you, Mom, if she dies, I don't know what I'll do.  I'm scared.  I know if you were here, you'd be at the hospital everyday.  

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I wish I had some great news to tell you, but I don't.  It's still me just plodding along through life one day at a time.  I keep telling myself that I am a warrior, but I sometimes wonder if that's a lie.  The feeling will probably pass.  It usually does, and I'll feel good.  Until then, I'll stay the course.   Please look in on me from time to time.  I miss you terribly and love you for all eternity.  

B.

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Birthday Girl

 

Happy Birthday to Me!!!! It's not truly my birthday until 1 pm this afternoon.  That's what time I was born.  But today is the big day!!  I am 55 years old.  Quite frankly, it's been a long strange trip. 

If I am completely honest with you, I have lived 10 years longer than I ever imagined.  I had always thought I would die by the time I was 45.  I don't know why.  I do know that's how far my childish imagination took me.

I used to think that I would marry in my 20's, have 4 children, and die some tragic movie-like death.  But, alas, I have never married or had children.  I will probably outlive my entire family and be an old woman surrounded by animals.  Which is not a bad thought, as long as I don't die alone, and my animals end up eating me! 

I do have a boyfriend though.  I am still with Tony.  No, we still have not had our first encounter yet.  But, I am trying to talk him into creating a bubble with me, so we can stay safe while being together.  I sometimes do experience doubts about him, and if he really is serious about me.  I mean we just text, he never calls, and when I call him, I get no answer and he doesn't have voicemail. 

Zelda is my present to myself.  She is 1.5 pounds of joy.  It's so nice to have a living thing to love and take care of.  I just found her on the top shelf of my closet.  Her favorite thing to do is climb.  I'm going to have to keep a close eye on her, stink bug!!

This is my first birthday without Mom.  I feel kind of sad about it, but it's not triggering any type of depression.  I found a couple of photo albums and there are some old pictures of her.  She was so pretty.  

I am officially elderly I think.  I qualify for all kinds of senior discounts.  I'm trying to start off this week with a new will, and attitude.  I want to push myself to succeed.  Ok, maybe succeed is a strong word.  I want to push myself to not give up.  I want to keep going.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Stream of Consciousness

 

I've been spinning for a week now.  Up and down, mostly down.  I stayed in bed all morning yesterday.  I just slept, it felt good.  The only reason I got up is because I had an appointment.  It was a waste of time.  I should have just cancelled it.  It turns out that I am sucky at this job.  I doubt if I could sell water to a man dying of thirst.

I saw my therapist yesterday.  I cried.  I cried out of frustration and grief.  I have been missing my mom a lot this week.  I try  to talk to her, but I don't get the feeling she is with me.  She is just gone.  It doesn't seem fair.

Maybe there is no afterlife.  Maybe you do just die and that's it.  I have always thought of and believed in angels.  But, if anyone is going to visit me, shouldn't it be my own mother?  I don't know.  Maybe it's me. Maybe, I have compartmentalized my mom's death.  I've done it with a lot of things my brain couldn't handle.  It will probably come out in some horrible nightmare or flashback when I'm not expecting it. 

I can't think right now, I have to go. I need to quiet my mind.  By the way, I finally got a pet of my own.  It's a 12 week old black and white tuxedo kitten.  I have named her Zelda Padme Nataleia.  She is everything I ever wanted in a cat.