Lost Girl

Sorry, if I've been away for a while.  My mind drifted off and I had to go find it.  Truth is, I've been in a depressed state for a while and I haven't been in the mood to write,  In fact, I haven't been in the mood to do anything.
I stay in my room all day with the blinds closed, trying to shut out the world.  I make trips to see my doctor, therapist and go to Walmart to pick up my medication.  Usually, if I'm not in my room, I'm on the porch smoking.  I'm still smoking and drinking coffee.  It's become a highlight of my day.
I do go to mass though.  Every Saturday night.  Church is the only place where I feel complete.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm made of paper.  I just kind of drift around.  I did try to go out and be social this week, the result was an anxiety attack.  I just don't feel in control of my emotions anymore.  It's ruining my life.  It's too hot to go out walking, even in the morning.  I know that I should get some exercise to release some endorphins, but I just don't care anymore.
Needless to say, my diet is an epic fail.  I'm eating healthier, but I've only lost 2 pounds.  Again, lack of exercise.  I am really disappointed in myself, so the negative talk is really messing with my head.
I feel pretty good some days, but it doesn't last.  I'm going to drop my summer course, so I can get ready for fall semester.  I'll use the refund to go see my dad.  I need him, he's not a complicated man. Plus, I get to see his dog, Falcor.  It would be good to get away for a few weeks.
Well, I guess that's all.  I hope I get to sleep tonight.
Peace Joy Love
Bev

Orlando

Today is Tuesday.  Two days ago it was Sunday.  I get up on Sunday morning to have breakfast and watch Sunday Morning.  Instead, I am watching breaking news on a mass shooting at an Orlando nightclub.  They had dead and wounded all over the inside of the club.  I saw some wounded being put into the back of trucks to be taken to the hospital.  All together, there are 49 dead and 53 wounded.  Some of the wounded are not expected to make it.
I can't describe my feelings on this news exactly.  I was shocked of course, but I can't say I was surprised.  I mean after all this has happened before.  Some madman with a gun goes into a place and kills a lot of people.  These people just happened to be part of the LGBT community.  That really doesn't matter to me.  It's the fact that so many people are dead that really upsets me.
I would hate to have the job of notifying families that their loved one had been killed.  Families are strange organisms.  What if some families didn't even know that their son or daughter was gay.  Some secrets are going to come out.  But mostly, it will be rivers of tears for the people that had jobs, lives, lovers, friends and families.  What will ease their pain?
I have learned the hard way that the old adage about time healing all wounds is not true.  It may lessen the pain, but you never truly forget.  I was able to, but not everyone can forgive.  But, I say this to the families of the victims, you must be strong and forgive who did this.  Otherwise, your lives will be consumed by bitterness and it will drive you to the brink.  To the survivors', guilt will be your companion for a while.  Seek help, then do what the killer tried to take away from you.  Live your life.  You will be happy again, you will fall in love and dance again.  Don't let this destroy you, if you do, the terrorist wins.
I can't watch the stories anymore.  It fills me with too much gloom and anxiety about the way the world is turning.  We are headed to a fiery destruction, filled with violence and hatred toward one another.  On Facebook, I posted the lyrics to Lenny Kravitz' Let Love Rule.  If we are going to survive, we need to learn to love each other.  Christ did not die on the Cross for us to destroy each other with hatred.  He wanted us to love each other.  Why is that so hard to do?
I'm not saying that we should like everyone we meet, you can't like everyone.  But we should be kind to one another and love each others as children of God.   It's called respect.  That is what everyone should get.  I know some people make it awfully hard to earn your respect, but at least try.  If they turn out to be mean, spiteful people, the let God deal with them, because he will.
One thing I don't understand is why it is so easy to buy an assault weapon.  Someone please explain to me why the average citizen needs an assault weapon.  Don't tell me it's for home defense, that's a crock.  There is no good reason why, and that's why I wrote my congressmen today asking them to ban the sale of military style weapons in this country.  You may disagree with me, but remember I too have the right to my opinion.
I did pray for the victims and their families, but frankly, I was disheartened.  I don't know what God's plan is for this world, but I think this is just the beginning.  Like it says in John, these are just the groanings of the earth, we will experience earthquakes, fires, floods, pestilence before the Lord comes again in Glory.  I think the earth is groaning pretty darn loud lately.  So, people you better prepare yourselves for the way of the Lord.  I don't know if he will be here tomorrow, or in this century, but He is definitely coming.  I am preparing my soul.  Are you ready?  I personally would rather know Jesus before the day of judgment than stand there and wonder where I'm going to end up.  I will pray to God tonight and the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary for peace in this world. It's the only thing I know to do.
Peace, Joy, Love - Bev

Sex and the single lady

I have not had sex in 9 years.  In March of 2017, it will be 10 years.  Does that make me an honorary virgin again?  I'm thinking yeah, it does.  What happened?  I don't even masturbate.  I used to.  That was until last year when I found out it was a sin.  I'm catholic now, so I can't do it anymore.  If I do, I have to go to confession so I can do my penance in order to receive Holy Communion.

The whole thing about sex, is that God meant sex to take place between a man and woman to unite their spirits in the image of the Holy Trinity.  Sure, he made it pleasurable too.  Sex is a good thing, but it was meant for procreation, not recreation.  If you take God out of sex then it is an abomination of the whole idea, making it a sin.

That's why masturbation is a sin, there is no God in it. Same for homosexuality.  God made man and women to complement each other.  One to give the seed of life, the other to receive it.  God did not make it for two men or women, again the idea is to procreate in the unity of the Holy Trinity.

I have nothing against homosexuals personally.  I don't care who you are having sex with, but if you are a God fearing Christian, you put your soul in danger every time you have sex.  I know that gay people did not chose to be gay, any more than I chose to have bipolar.  That's one of the reasons why it was once thought to be a mental illness.  It's not anymore. It just is.

The catholic Church is also against invitro-fertilization, because children are being created outside of the womb, again removing God from the process.  I know there are a lot of couples that struggle with fertility issues and this is often the way they go, but it is unnatural. I don't know if it's a sin or not.

I am 50 years old, my womb is closed.  What's the point of me getting married if I can't have children?  That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Will I be having sex just for pleasure?  Is that allowed?  But, I guess if God can open the wombs of Sarah, Rachel and Elizabeth, he could do it for me.

Maybe, I'm not supposed to have a baby given all that's wrong with me.  The post-partum depression scares me the most.  What if it becomes so severe that I become psychotic.  No, I think adoption of some school aged siblings would be the way to go.

My medication and age have decreased my libido to such an extent that I find it difficult to get horny. When I had a period, I could always tell I was ovulating just by my sex drive.  It was insatiable.  I'd get wet at the slightest thing.  I had sex dreams. I masturbated a lot then.  

Some women get sex toys, but I never saw the need for one.  direct clitoral stimulation was all I needed.  Dildos and the like I didn't use.  I just needed one big orgasm, and I was satisfied.  Fell right to sleep.  I went out with one guy who just could understand that I didn't need multiple orgasms.  If you do it right, I explained I had one toe curling uterine contracting orgasm that would satisfy me just fine.

I guess if I ever meet the right guy, I'll talk to my doctor about the sexual side effects about my medication and try to get the juices flowing again.  In the meantime, I'll have to stick with prayer.

Hair Cuts, Diets and Panic

I got my hair cut off on Thursday.  I was not taking care of the hair I had and needed a change.  I saw a picture of this hair cut on Facebook and thought it was cute, so I thought "why not?"
I really like it. It means no more processed hair, no more flat iron, no more anything!  I just wet it in the shower, apply conditioner and gel and go.  Saves a lot of time and money.  Of course, I have nothing to do with all this extra time, but for now I don't dread taking a shower.  Last month was hard.  I have fallen into a depressive episode and I went days without bathing or combing my hair.
Most of my friends on Facebook seem to like it, and my mom and aunt like it.  My father just laughed and asked me why I did it.  He likes his women with hair.  Anyway, my hair grows about an inch a month, so if I want to I can grow it out again.  Besides, it's just hair.
Of course, now this makes me even less attractive to the average man.  Most men like at least shoulder length hair, especially black men.  Why do you think black women spend so much time and money getting hair weaves?  Because they like it? NO!!! Hair weaves are around $300 to start and they are painful.  I had one once.  I just ended up putting it in a ponytail anyway.  I also, did not attract any members of the opposite sex with a hair weave.  Short or long, I guess I am unattractive.  For the moment, I don't care about men.  Although I do still like the man I see in church.  I don't dare approach him now that I have very short hair.  My hair has always been one of my best features.
So why did I cut it off?  It was an act of defiance I guess.  It was kind of the way I want to look.  I've been thinking of going natural anyway, and I would have had to cut it off to do that.  I may grow it out, only if I can get the curls I want.  I want soft shiny hair, but lately it's been looking really dry. I also cut it off, because part of me just doesn't care anymore.  Most of the time, I wore a bandana around it.  Flat ironing just burned it and my fingers.  I think I am just going to focus on my diet and getting healthier.  This hair cut looks great on thin people.  I want to be the geeky girl with the leggings and the oversized sweatshirt.
My diet by the way is not going well.  I didn't weigh myself this week, because I knew I blew, plus I got no exercise.  So, I am still living on coffee and cigarettes.  I'm only supposed to eat 1060 calories a day to reach my goal weight.  But, that makes it difficult to eat the recommended daily nutritional values.  Plus, having diabetes, I have to keep my blood sugar levels from dropping to low.  It can cause dizziness, shaking, sweating and heart palpitations, which for me turns into an anxiety attack.
I had a panic attack on Friday.  I was sitting here minding my own business when suddenly the floor fell out from under me.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't focus, my heart started beating wildly, I started shaking and sweating and got disoriented.  I was alone when it happened and my therapist was out of town.  My mom and aunt weren't home and didn't pick up when I tried to phone.  I thought maybe it was my blood sugar so I had a piece of candy.  That didn't work.  When they got home 25 minutes later, I was crying hysterically.  It took 10 minutes for then to talk me down.  Then BAM!!!! Just like that it was over.  My mom made me half a turkey sandwich just to be on the safe side.  It took me 3 hours to fully recover.
I need to get a friend or someone to call if that happens again.  That was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.  I've had them before, but not like that.  I think it was triggered by the fact that I dropped my summer psychology class and was feeling pretty bad about myself.  I dropped it because I still can't read and comprehend anything without tremendous difficulty, and my attention span last for about an hour before I need a 20 minute break.  Writing this entry has been the longest task I've done in 2 weeks, and don't think I'm not taking a break afterward.  It took me a week to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy on DVD.  I bought the Game of Thrones book series but haven't even touched them yet, except to take them out of the box.  I can't watch a half hour TV show without getting up let alone a movie.  I tried watching the French Open Men's tennis championship game today, but the hitting of the ball back and forth was giving me the heebie jeebies.
This new medication the doctor has me on doesn't feel like it's doing anything.  I'll give it one more week.  He said it would take 6 to 8 weeks to show effects, but I don't know if I can wait that long.  I see Mary this week, we'll probably talk about my coping skills or lack thereof.  Right now I am hating my brain.  It's all out of whack and there is nothing I can do about it.  I may have to try ECT again if this keeps up.  I wonder if any of the hospitals around here have TMS?  That would be better than having to be sedated for ECT.  Same effect, different approach.  I'll have to ask about it.  Medicare should cover it the same as the shock treatments.  Well, it's medication time.  I have them all lined up and take them 2 by 2.  I think I have 7 or 8 medicines I take at night.  It's a wonder I can keep them all straight.  No more tying up my hair at night.  Yea!!!
Peace, Joy, Love - B