Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just a Dizzy Broad

 

Okay, I've got a new health issue. I know you're probably like "What the hell now?" I'm beginning to think that my body is definitely campaigning against me. If it's not my back, knees or shoulder it's something else. 

This week has been my head . I've had dizzy spells for the past month or so. On Wednesday however, I had severe dizzy spells all friggin day. I had to take most of the day off because I was so sick to my stomach. I went to physical therapy on Thursday, and she did a maneuver that adjusted the crystal in my ears. In case, you didn't know there  are crystals in your ear canals that keep you balanced. The crystals in my right middle ear canal were dislodged. Whenever I lay down on my right side, my eyes would start twitching and I couldn't keep myself straight. 

My therapist got my crystals in alignment, but I'm still crooked and I get dizzy only a couple of times a day. I think I need another adjustment. We'll see when I go to therapy on Tuesday. I do wonder why it's happening. Things are just falling apart. 

I having back pain again. I have to fall asleep sitting at about a 45 degree angle. However, that makes my lower back hurt like the devil. So, I end up sleeping on my side, which I'm not really supposed to do because of the whole crystals thing in my ears. My right ear is the one that bothers me the most. I was a little dizzy when I got up this morning. But it went away. 

Today was church day. So, I went to Mass at 10:45 am. It was very nice. I was uplifted. The homily was given by Fr. Avery. He's a young, black priest. He rambled a bit, but I guess that's because he's still young and a bit in experienced. The homily was about realizing what God did for us, by sending His Son to die for us on the cross. We need to be filled with the Good News and share it in words and deeds. It doesn't have to be a big thing just something to serve the Lord. Also, we need to stop letting other gods direct our lives. It could be stress, the job, family or friends that are yapping in our ears and distracting us from our real purpose. 

So, I am feeling so much better mentally. I haven't had a depressing thought in weeks, and suicide is not even an option. I have been keeping myself busy with writing, reading and watching my favorite shows. I recently got Britbox and have been watching Father Brown, and Sister Boniface Mysteries. Both are really good British mystery shows. The interesting and often quite funny. 

The Eagles play today against the Washington Commanders for the NFC championship and a chance to go to the Superbowl. I have my Eagles t-shirt on and my sparkly Eagles sneakers. Yes, I wore them to church. My sister and I rock the Eagles gear whenever they play, especially if it's televised, like it is today. 

It's finally going to be a little warmer this week. No more frozen feet. My feet and legs get cold sitting at my desk because I sit right by the window. There's no other place to put my desk. Our apartment is to small. In the afternoon, as the sun moves, I get cold. I keep the heat at 68 degrees, mostly because I forget to turn it up. Sometimes, I'll turn it up to 69 or 70 but that's it. We grew up wearing sweaters and putting blankets on ourselves. When I was little we all slept in my grandmother's unheated attic. That's how I learned to cocoon in the winter. I'd have 2 blankets and a heavy quilt, plus flannel pajamas. Even though I'm in Georgia, I still sleep with 2 plush blankets. I can't sleep when I'm too cold or too hot. I am also one of those people that has to have a breeze to circulate the air, so I have a very tiny fan by my bed. 

I got a sleep appliance the other day. It's for my sleep apnea that I was diagnosed with last year. It fits over my teeth and keeps my jaw aligned so my tongue doesn't fall back. It keeps my airway open so I don't snore. So, far it works. I've gotten much better sleep. April and Erica said I stopped snoring and I'm not restless anymore. Erica told me once, it's like I fight demons in the night because I would kick in the middle of the night. 

Well, I guess that's all. The game has started. #FlyEagles#Fly!!!! 

I am loving life today!!! 

Peace, Joy, Love forever- B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Taking Care of Business

 

Okay, I made a decision, and you will probably not be surprised to learn that I am still with Delta Dental. 

My brother did get back to me, and his advice was spot on. I also talked to Erica, and she agreed that staying at Delta Dental was best for me. I decided to stick it out and continue with challenging myself to do my best and improve my quality scores. I now have had 2 weeks with 100% quality. It's kind of like, I can't believe it's been this easy. 

Don't get me wrong, not every call is perfect. I still have to work on my consistency, but I'm getting there. My supervisor gave all of nicknames, and mine is "The Voice". She gave me that because my voice is very soothing, and calming. I must admit, I've told about my voice on the phone before this. I've always had a good phone voice. I guess that's why people like talking to me. 

Anyway, things are going pretty well. I ran out of Depakote, and the pharmacy won't fill it right now, so I've been 2 weeks without it. I can't tell the difference. I've been on it for 20 years. I'm thinking it's time I get off of it. Also, the transmitter in my glucose sensor failed. I just got it a couple of weeks ago. It's supposed to last for 90 days. I have to call the company tomorrow to see if I can get a free replacement. Otherwise, I'll have to wait until March. I've sticking my fingers in the meantime, and my blood sugar is well within range, sometimes falling below 70, which is not cool. I do have some glucose tablets. So, I just pop a couple of those if it gets to low. I've had to do that twice this week. I usually bottom out around lunchtime. 

Mentally/emotionally, I'm feeling very well. No depression, not too much anxiety. When I decided  to stay at Delta, the knot in my stomach loosened and I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Honestly, it feels like I've been given another chance. I know it's cliche, but this is really a new beginning in the new year. I've got goals for each month, all of them highly attainable. So, far I'm doing okay. I have a couple of chapters to finish on this month's book, I've lost 5 lbs., and I've gone to church at least once this month. I  couldn't go last weekend because it snowed here, believe it or not. As far as saving money, I wanted to start saving $100 per month but I'm trying to catch up on bills. So far, all I've got saved is $7.00. Pretty pitiful I know, but I'm trying to find some money around. Hopefully, it will all be worked out by February. 

I went to confession a few weeks ago. It was pretty sad. I hadn't been to mass in over a year, so I had to go. Other than that, I had a couple of impure thoughts and I've cursed. Not much to report. That's why my penance was 1 Our Father. I like my church. It's very pretty, and peaceful. I'm going to d my best to go on Saturday morning instead of sleeping late. 

I guess that's all for now. I can't think of anything else to talk about. I need to write to my pen pals. I guess I can do that while I'm up. I had a second cup of coffee today because I was falling asleep this afternoon. Well, that was a mistake. It's going on 3 am now. I'll probably be up until 4 am, getting 2 hours of sleep. I suppose I could skip physical therapy, but my shoulder has been killing me since it snowed. The cold seems to have settled deep in my joint. I can barely lift my arm, even though I've been trying to movie it. 

okay this time I really am signing off. Until next time, Peace, Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Decisions, Decisions!!

 

I have been complaining for months about how I don't like my job. I decided to change my attitude about last month. I decided that the job isn't too bad, and reminded myself about the benefits. However, 2 weeks ago I had a job interview with a small company for a claim specialist. It wasn't exactly the position I was looking for, but it was in medical claims and seemed very interesting and stimulating. So what's the catch? The money is pretty much the same as Delta, however, there aren't any benefits. 

I'm now having some second thoughts because with my medical history, I really cannot afford to go without benefits. It's true I do have Medicare benefits, but my Delta benefits are pretty great. 

I'm not sure what to do. Last week I went to church and prayed on it, and pretty much decided to take the job. However, things at Delta have gotten better the past 3 weeks. I'm thinking if I keep trying to do my best, I'll get my level 2 promotion and make $3.50 more per hour. 

I'm suppose to talk to the new jo on Monday to finalize my start date, but I have such anxiety about it I don't think I'll be able to take this job. What if I have to take time off for illness or surgery or whatever? With no FMLA or short term disability, I'd be out on the street. I suppose I could buy life insurance, dental insurance and short term disability insurance, but that'd be awfully expensive. 

I texted Jerald about it. Either he won't answer or he hasn't read it yet. I still owe him $1000. So, I think he'll probably tell me to take the path of financial stability, which we don't have right now. Okay, I'll talk to Erica, she's rational. April will tell me to "do you". In the end it's up to me, but I'm doubting myself. 

It's said that you shouldn't make decisions when you are under duress. I guess I did kind of make this decision. Maybe, I should talk to my supervisor about my future at Delta. But, part of me is hesitant because they may just tell me to leave. I'm not sure what to do. I think pursuing the new position might have been okay when I was younger, but I'll be 60 this year. I don't have time to dick around. Should I talk to April and Erica again? I'm so confused. I'll pray on it again. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Beware of Madness

 

So, it's 2025. I haven't had a bipolar episode that required hospitalization in 3 years. I was thinking about that today, and it occurred to me that this has been the longest time. I have had a psychotic episode at least every 2 years since I was 35 years old. I know what your thinking. Well, Holy Shit!!! What kind of whack job is she anyway. Keep in mind, this is not including the episodes that had me home bound for a week or so. 

The first psychotic episode happened at 35. It was horrendous. I couldn't sleep or eat. I could not dress myself and cried for days. I was suicidal, so my doctor 302'd me. I spent 7 days inpatient. Mostly, I just cried and tried to stay awake. My mom flew down to take care of me after I got out of the hospital. It took a couple of weeks for me to recover. I managed to work for a few more weeks, but then I had to leave my job. The stress was just too much. 

That was when the medication carousel started. When I tell you that I've been on practically every psych med available, I mean it. I don't have schizophrenia, so I didn't have to take those. But I am now on Abilify, which as an antipsychotic which my doctor is using to treat my schizoaffective disorder. 

When all is said and done, I've been hospitalized 16 times in the past 23 years. Some hospitals were nice, others were shitholes. My last hospitalization was my LAST hospitalization. Although the facility was decent, I decided I was never going to go through it again. Maybe next episode, I'll just drive into the woods and stay in a cabin and try to regroup. 

I've decided I'm not going to kill myself so I am not going to be committed or forced into some nut house with people who are screaming and violent. Also, I don't smoke anymore, so that's another reason not to go inpatient. This year is all about me. 

Peace Joy Love - B