Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: That Old Familiar Feeling

 

Well, here we go again. I'm adrift in a sea of emotions. I don't know whether to go ahead and sink, or try to swim my way to shore. I'm kind of tempted to sink. I'm tired again. I'm tired of trying to remain positive and keep going. It's all the same. Every day is the same. I have no variety, nothing special going on in my life. I know it sounds like bitching and moaning, and I shouldn't do it. But, every once in a while, I need to let my guard down and just feel my feelings. Right now, I feel like going to bed for a month. 

Today wasn't especially bad. It has been quite ordinary. I woke up, and started to get ready for work. But then, after I got out of the shower, I thought why bother? My being there isn't going to make a big difference to anyone. In fact, my being around makes no difference at all. So I called out. I kind of regretted it for about a minute. I realize that I am sabotaging myself, but that's nothing new. That's what I do. 

It's a shame really. I was very excited about this job. But, it turns out, I'm not that good at it. My quality scores suck, and I can't keep up with the number of calls I get. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm a very nice person to talk to on the phone. I guess that's why they keep me around for the time being. But, soon that will end. I suppose I need to take a hard look at myself and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, such that it is. 

I've been thinking a lot about my mom and dad lately. I want to be with them and talk with them. I want a hug from my mom and a hug from my dad. I want to talk to my grandparents. I want their advice. I recently started buying Constant Comment tea. It was my Grandmom's favorite. Every time I have a cup, I think of her. If only I had a piece of my Mom's orange cake to go with it, everything would be perfect. 

Why am I feeling so melancholy? I don't know. I always feel cozy in the fall, but not this year. This has been another bad year. So much stress and too many problems. We finally caught up on the rent, but I'm so behind on everything else, my money problems could only be solved by some kind of financial windfall. So, I'm under the gun. As is my habit, instead of rallying to fight the good fight, I shut down and pretend everything will be fine. 

Right now, I have a headache and my feet hurt. That's all just a psychosomatic reaction to stress. I also started eating my anxiety. I can't seem to stop shoving things into my mouth. I'm eating bread, crackers, toast and anything that's edible. 

I've puttered around the house, smoked too much and watched empty TV. I don't know what to do with myself. I've painted my nails every other day. I did finally make an appointment with my new therapist. I see her on the 9th. I just feel like a nothing. I thought these feelings were finally in my past. I'm tired, so tired. 

I want to sleep forever.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

 

So, my therapist, Kristy has disappeared. After multiple calls and texts, I have not heard back from her. I figure either she is taking a sabbatical or quit. I don't know. But, I believe you are supposed to notify your patients before you just vanish off the face of the earth. I am currently  seeking a new therapist. I thought this time, I would try a black woman. I've had white therapists my entire life. Two of them were men. That was awkward to say the least. 

I found a list of black therapist on the Psychology Today website. I saw one bio I like a lot, so I emailed her to check availability. One reason I am trying to get back into therapy is I'm feeling really stuck in my life right now. I don't feel like I'm moving forward, and I think I'm actually moving backwards. I've thought of suicide a couple of times in the past couple of weeks. I wasn't thinking of actually doing it, but the thought hasn't popped in my head in quite a long while so it concerns me. 

I was doling out my pills for the week and actually wondered what would happen if I just took the 30 or so Trazadone I had in the bottle. Of course, this was a week when I was severely lacking sleep, so I guess that had something to do with it. Also, the whole diabetic disaster and hospitalization didn't help. I was also depressed when I went in the hospital. 

Well, that's all gotten a lot better. I'm getting an insulin pump I think, so I won't have to inject myself anymore. I don't really mind it, it's just kind of distracting. Half the time, my blood sugar is too low anyway. I have to eat a mini candy bar every once in a while or grab some orange just to keep my glucometer from beeping. The whole business of eating has become quite bothersome really. 

I'm not enjoying eating very much anymore. I like breakfast, but I feel like I'm on a timer when it comes to lunch. I don't eat dinner until 8:15 at night. Once I'm finished, I just putter around for a few hours until it's time to go to bed. It seems all I do now is get up, work, and go to bed. I squeeze in some meals in between. The weekends are crammed with chores that I can't do during the week. I try to relax on Sundays, but I start to get anxious around 3 pm because I know Monday is coming. 

Well, I have to go. Time to log on. I don't want to work today. Ugh!! 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just When I Thought I Was Fine...Nope!!!

 

            Let's face it the past few months have been crap. I have been broke because our rent went up, I wasn't able to pay a couple of months. I thought we were okay, but it was after I interrupted a secret meeting of April and Erica I found out the awful truth. We were about $6000 behind, and close to eviction. Keep in mind this is not the first secret discussion between those two. I confronted Erica in the car one day because she was always upset and I wanted to know why she felt she couldn't come to me. 

She told me that most of their discussions were about me. Apparently, I was correct when I was feeling as though I was a burden on them and they didn't want me around. So there you go. It was out in the open. How did it make me feel? Not that much different. I started to feel bad, but I was like fuck it. Anyway, I told her if that was how they felt the least they could have done was tell me the truth, and let me help figure out a way to amend my sins. 

It seems as I am a burden to people. Okay, I'll own that. I am a dependent person. That's probably never going to change unless I hit the lottery and give everyone a chunk of money and tell them to go fuck themselves. However, I'm not that that type of person, no matter how much I try to be. I am terminally nice and kind. I smile at people, say hello and hold doors open for people. I can't help it, I'm an empath. You just can't turn that kind of thing off and on like a faucet. I have always felt the things other people are feeling. It's exhausting, quite frankly. 

At any rate, I have been paying $1350 in rent for the past 4 months in an attempt to make up my part of the past due rent. I think this month I will only have to pay my usual $700, but I'll have to ask. I'm late for my car payment and my personal loan is seriously past due. I've made payment arrangements on that. I'll be able to catch up on my car this month. That's the hope anyway. 

To top off my continuing financial woes, I was in the hospital last month for a week. Somehow or another, my blood glucose soared to over 700. Also, I had a very painful rash all over my lady parts. I went to my regular doctor who only gave me hydrocortisone. That only made my blood sugar higher. Finally, I became slightly delirious one day and called Erica at work. She called April and then April took me to the emergency room. I was in there for 5 days on an insulin drip. No one visited me, no one called me. I was in my hospital room all alone. I didn't cry though, I just thought a lot about my mom. She would have hitch hiked to get to me, and would have stayed with me all day. My mom was my ride or die. I miss her everyday. There's a star that comes out every night that I call mom. I talk to her sometimes. Sometimes, I imagine that it's her taking the time to check on me. 

After I got out of the hospital, I had to get a continuous blood glucose monitor that's attached to my body and read my sugar levels 24/7. I've seen my endocrinologist every week for the past month. My sugar is finally under control. I switched primary care physicians because my old doctor just dismissed me about the rash and the fact that I was peeing every 10 minutes. So, I found a new doctor and he is fabulous. He takes me seriously and treats my symptoms aggressively. In fact, I have to get x-rays for my back,  because he thinks the constant abdominal pain I have is radiating from my back. I swear, if I have to have more back surgery, I'm going to scream. But, we'll see. It'll probably mean that I have to go back to physical therapy. YUCK!!

Actually, things are better between April, Erica and I. They don't have secret conversations about things having to do with the apartment and money issues. Since I've been contributing more, they are much more cordial. I'm not feeling any particular way about it. I'm just a lot less tense that's for sure. 

The job is okay. The thrill is gone, however. I'm on the phone for 9 hours a day. My office is still my bedroom, and I stay in here almost 24 hours a day. I'd like to get out of the house once in a while. Sometimes after I get off work at 8 pm, I take a drive for a couple of miles to blast my music and feel the wind in my face. I really don't like driving at night, but I don't have much choice. I don't see too great anymore. 

My eyesight has started fading about 3 weeks ago. I suspect it's from my sugar levels being so high, but I can't see without my glasses anymore. I used to only have to use them for reading, but now I need them to watch TV, driving, and even looking at my phone. My eyes are completely blurry without them. I made an eye doctor appointment for next Tuesday. I hope it goes well. 

I don't  want you to think I have no one at all to talk to, because there's my Aunt Gloria back  in Pennsylvania. She has taken over as my mother figure. She's my dad's cousin, but since she was older than us, we call her aunt. Anyway, she calls me once or twice a week just to check on me and see how I'm doing. We end up talkin about all kinds of stuff for 30 minutes or more. It's nice to have her around. 

My therapist ghosted me. Now I  guess I better find a new one. I really don't need one that much, I guess I just want someone to check in with once a month. I'm not really depressed. I'm not happy, but I'm not exactly sad either. I'm kind of in the middle of the road. Truthfully, I guess I really don't care. Except for money, I don't worry too much. I just want to get enough money to pay off my bills which amounts to about 35K. 

Oh well, when you wish upon a star I guess. Actually, I think old Jiminy Cricket sold us a load of shit, but I am trying to remain optimistic. Again I can't  help it. 30 some years in therapy, I managed to reprogram my brain. I don't think too negatively anymore. I know where it leads. I have no desire to go down that hole again. So, when I start to feel a bit blue, I take a nap, and use positive imagery to go someplace else in my mind. In fact, that's the technique I'll be using tonight when I go to bed. 

So, I guess I am okay. Not great, but okay. As the saying goes:

I'M FINE

IT'S FINE

EVERYTHING'S FINE!!!

Peace, Joy Love - B