Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What About Your Friends?

 

The song by TLC is called "What About Your Friends?" It raises some interesting questions. I mean, you think you have true friends. Friends that are "ride or die" for you. But, the reality is, once things get really hard, your so-called friends are no where to be found. Then, somehow, you became the bad one, or the crazy one. Somehow, it became all about them, and it's all your fault. 

I've had these friends. One minute they were there, and the next, I can't find them. I must admit, I'm not the easiest person to be friends with I suppose. But then again, I have reason to be. I learned very early in life, that people were to not to be trusted. I can't tell you how many times I've been laughing and sharing secrets, to then find out the person I trusted was talking about me behind my back.  I guess that's why I'm a relatively quiet person now. I don't hide anything when asked, but I don't volunteer information readily, if that makes sense. 

Being mentally ill, I've faced stigmas amongst my friends. When I share, I get sideways glances. One really good friend of mine told me she is scared of my illness. Oh, and I'm not? I'm always looking over my shoulder waiting for the next trauma. It's called anxiety. I've learned to control it, but it's always there. I find myself actively trying not to be too happy, because I know something will fall on my head, and I'll be back in bed for a few days. 

As an empath, I also absorb the vibrations of those around me. When things are tense or angry or even happy, I feel it. I can't live in a situation that is stressful to other people. It bounces off of them and I feel the energy. I can't help it. I've been that way my entire life. I remember even as a very small child feeling this. 

I can tell you this much, I hate it. While being an empath does make you sympathetic, it can also make you sick to your stomach. So, if you are an empath and your friend is not, what happens? I'll tell you. It makes you angry, sick, anxious, and extremely tired. There are times I just can't be around people because I'm just too exhausted to try and reflect their energy. So, I just go to my room, turn on some mind numbing TV show and vegetate for a while until I fall asleep. 

Whenever, Erica is in a mood, I can't be around her. She, as you know, does not talk to me about most things in her life. I know it sounds weird, but I want to help her. I want her to bounce things off me, because I think I can help. But, apparently, she doesn't feel that way. I, however, am still absorbing the vast amount of negative vibrations she is putting out there in the universe. So, here I am, nervously cleaning the house and doing laundry in order for me to burn off my anxiety. 

Do I personally have any close friends? Nope, it's not that I haven't tried. The girls I work with are just that, girls. I have nothing in common with them except a love of animals. Plus, I'm at the front desk all day, so I don't hear much of the gossip that goes around the office. 

I've joined a snail mail pen pal club, so I'm hoping to write my way into some friendships. I've given up on men for the time being because their idea of friendship always comes back to sex. I'm not into it. 

So, what about your friends? Do they stay around or will they let you down again? I don't know. In my experience, they will let you down. I suppose I should work on that, as this is supposed to be the year of attraction. But, today, I'm going to enjoy the silence. No one is home but me and the cats, and the clothes dryer is humming its soothing tune. I think I'll make another cup of coffee and sit on the porch. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: 24 months and 3 days

 

Hi Mom, 

Well, the day has come and gone, and I'm still alive. It was 2 years on Saturday that you left this world. I purposely slept in so I could avoid the actual hour of your passing.  For some, reason, this year was really hard. I started to fall into a depression about 2 1/2 weeks ago. 

Last year, on the first anniversary, we were moving into this apartment, so I really couldn't think about it too much.  But this year, things just kind of fell on my head.  On top of all that, I had run out of a couple of my psych meds and didn't have the money to get it. Also, I had my screening colonoscopy on the 15th. I had to fast for 24 hours and then the surgery messed up my digestive system. I wasn't able to process any food for a few days.  All that sort of stressed me so bad, I just felt exhausted. I slept for 3 days. 

Me being me, I couldn't drag myself out of bed to go to work, so now I'm short on funds and the rent is  due.  Why do I get myself into these situations? I really thought I was beyond all this crap.  Just goes to show me that I can't get over confident.  This is the year of attraction, right? Well, I don't feel like I'm attracting anything.  

Don't get me wrong, I am feeling better. Jerald gave the money for my meds, and he said I don't need to pay him back. I do have to pay April, since she picked it them up for me. I've doing pretty good with money so far. I got my taxes back, but only got $958 instead of the $2300 I was expecting. The IRS adjusted my return. I'm waiting for the letter advising me of the reason why. Anyway, the money is all gone, and since I didn't get what I  expected, I'm behind on my loan and car note. I should get it all straight by the end of this month since I have no plans of taking any sick days off. 

The job has cut my hours by a day for the next 2 weeks. They hired Deana, a student who was just observing. So, now they have adequate coverage. Part of me is like, damn it. But then the other part of me doesn't mind too much. I really like everyone I work with a lot. Except maybe Dr. Ram. He's a little acerbic. I don't think, he thinks too much of me, since the debacle with the keys. It was incredibly stupid on my part and I deserved to get yelled at for it.  I beat myself up about it over that entire weekend. 

That's when I knew I was getting depressed. I haven't taken things that personally for quite sometime. But, I was just so wrapped up in myself that I wasn't thinking.  

I changed my room over to it's Spring decorations. I pulled out the cream bedspread and the quilt Aunt Berta made for me. I got a couple of new throw pillows. I like home decor a great deal.  I bought some new red sheets too. I must have 10 sets of sheets and 10 matching towels sets. 

My acting lessons and Spanish lessons are coming along nicely. I hope to join a theater group next month. The classes will cost $240 for 8 weeks, one night a week.  The Spanish lessons are free on line. I don't speak it too well, but I can translate some simple conversations. I have to practice speaking. 

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I miss you so much. I was becoming afraid that I was starting to forget things about you. But the past week has shown me that it's not true. The memories came flooding in, and I think that overwhelmed me a bit.  

Anyway, you take care, tell everyone I said hello and that I miss them as well. Life is weird, I used to think I couldn't live without you, but here I am, 24 months and 3 days later and I'm still going strong.  Thank you for giving me your love and encouragement. I love you mommy. - B