Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Dear Dad

 

Dear Dad, 

It's been 41 days.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  I long to talk to you and hear you call me baby girl. It doesn't seem real.  One day you were here and the next you were gone.  It's not fair.  I wasn't ready to lose you.  I had no time to prepare.

The last few days haven't been too great.  I've been sleeping too much, and staring at the walls.  I haven't been able to delete your phone number.  It's kind of like, as long as I have it, you might call.  I know that's just unrealistic and childish, but I don't care.  

Julie is sending your ashes to us in a couple of weeks.  I picked out an urn for you.  It has an eagle flying over a mountain.  I think you will like it.  I know you're divorced, but we are going to sit you on a shelf next to mom.  It's only temporary.  Mom wants to be scattered on Grandmom and Grandpop's graves.  Jerald will take her up there, when things clear up. 

The weather up north is dreadful.  They've had snow storm after storm. Some places have over 20 inches of snow.  The weather here has been horrible too. It's just been cold and rainy.  I guess that's added to my downward mood.  It's sunny today, so I am feeling better. 

Oh dad, I miss you terribly.  I've only cried twice.  Is that weird?  Sometimes, I want to just weep, but I can't.  My doctor says that my meds are keeping me on an even keel.  She's probably right.  Please visit me if you can.  I still have that old thermal jacket of your's.  I wear it whenever I need to feel your arms around me.  I love you daddy.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Valentine's Day

 

It's Valentine's Day.  The day that all single people dread.  I had almost hoped this year would be different, as I have a lover.  However,  it's not.  He avoids holidays with me as if I were some kind of side chick.  I guess I am.  I'm not in love with him, but is it too much to want some kind acknowledgment?  Perhaps, I'm just a fool.

I do want a hug, a kiss, and comforting words.  But, not from Brad, my parents.  I want to hear my mom and dad laugh.  I want to give them hugs.  I want the warmth of being in their embrace.  It's been almost a year since my mom died, and a little over a month for my dad.

The grief washes over me sometimes, like a powerful wave.  It knocks me off my feet and leaves me gasping for air.  I stayed in bed all day on Thursday.  I just didn't care.  I want my parents.  I didn't get to say goodbye to either of them the way I wanted to.  I didn't get to say the things I wanted to say.

Life is such a chore.  Sometimes, it takes you to the highest highs, and then everything comes crashing down around your ears and you can't make sense of anything.  I think if it wasn't for my meds, I'd have been hospitalized.  I feel sad today.  I would like to be with someone, but then I want to be alone.  

I'm watching old movies today.  I just finished Wuthering Heights, and now I'm watching It Happened One Night.  Maybe I'll take a nap.  I feel like eating some fried chicken.  Off to  KFC, I guess.  

Happy Valentine's Day to me.  I'm tired.