Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The New Normal

We have been on statewide lockdown for a little over a month now.  A new virus crept over the world in the latter part of 2019.  It's a novel corona virus, so it is called covid-19.  It's a virus that invades the lungs and causes you to slowly choke to death.  Anyway, as of today there are something like 543k Americans infected and close to 47k American deaths.  The current administration's response has been slow and chaotic.
President Chump  has shown himself as he really is, a liar, a cheat, and mentally unfit for this position.  He has defied scientists, and fires those who contradict him.  I refuse to say his true name because it turns my stomach.  I never liked him, even when he was just a piggish business man.  He is such a narcissist, that it is a true personality disorder.
Anyway, we have been banned from nonessential travel.  You can go to the store for groceries, doctor appointments, and drive-thrus for food.  But, most businesses have been closed.  Many people have lost their jobs, which is unfortunate, but isn't that better than losing your life?
The lockdown didn't really affect me emotionally as I am introverted anyway.  I don't like crowds of people.  I don't go out very often.  I started a new job a few weeks ago, and I am working at home which suits me just fine.
I haven't been feeling too well for the past few weeks.  My joints hurt a lot, and I am extremely tired no matter how much rest I get.  My sister insisted I get a covid test, so I got one yesterday.  I get the results back tomorrow.  I see my primary care doctor tomorrow also.  I really wanted to go to the office because I want a blood test.  However, it a telemed call.  I'll talk to him frankly, and explain my concerns.  I know there is something wrong medically, not mentally.  I will not be dismissed.  Wish me luck.  B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Spring Cleaning

It's Spring.  The weather is getting warmer and the air is clean since the stay home order went into effect.  There aren't as many cars on the road, so there is less pollution.  Funny how people are now realizing that all of the problems of air, noise and water pollution are the fault of humankind. I always knew this.  Some of the shit heads in government have no choice but to admit that they were wrong.

I started today with a good attitude.  At least, that's what I conjured up a little bit later in the morning.
I woke up at 6:15 am, a full 1/2 hour before my alarm.  I had to pee so I got up. I'm always a bit dazed when I wake up.  It's the drugs I take before bed.  I go and put on my coffee, then go smoke a cigarette.  If you remember from my introduction, I said I was trying to quit smoking?  Well, the struggle remains.  However, with all of the things going on in my life right now,  it's not a major concern.
I had physical therapy at 8 am.  I'm still trying to recover from the back surgery I had in November.  I think I am just going to have to face the fact, that I am going to be in pain for the rest of my life. Most of the time it's bearable.  But, there are some days when it feels like my back is broken in two.  I just want to rip out my spine and soak it in cold water or something. 
Well, I did a little cleaning in my room.  I went through some papers, and organized my desk.  I have all kinds of papers for work, and they were just in a big pile.  So, I organized them by topic and filed them accordingly.  That way, I should be able to find what I need more easily, rather than shuffle through a bunch of paperwork.
Work is going pretty well.  It's stressful because there is so much to learn and remember, but it is interesting.  The hours are long.  The other night, I didn't get done until 10 pm.   I hope I can keep up.  I have a set  routine for bed, and I try to get lights out at 11 pm.  If I get ready for bed at 10, I watch TV for an hour just to relax and let my meds take effect. 
I usually watch sitcoms, something that I don't have to think about too much.  I like something that will put a smile on my face before I go to bed.
So, I have some more physical and spiritual cleaning to do  this weekend.  I need to dust my room, change the bed, vacuum, wash clothes and file some more papers.  Spiritually, I must start attending Mass again.  I am sending a membership request to become a member of the Catholic Church of St. Monica.  It's not to  far from me and it looks very nice.
well, that's all for now I guess.  I  have a couple of things to do before I get back to work.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

It's been seven weeks and one day since you left the physical world.  How can I explain the incredible vacuum that is in my life right now?  I have spoken to you on so many occasions and imagined our conversations, but it is not enough.  I want you here, next to me, on the phone, wherever, but here in my world.
Sometimes, when I think of you it brings joy to me. Other times, your memory brings a sadness that's almost too much to bear.  It happens all the time.  I could be watching TV, or eating something, or even driving in my car.  Then suddenly, your face flashes before me, and I remember that you're gone.
I have never asked why.  I never questioned God for taking you away.  I prayed that if He did not heal you, to take you quickly.  So, He did.  There was still a trace of the little child in me, that hoped you would live forever, so I would never have to go through this.  But, I realize that was selfish, and impossible.  So, I had to let you go.
Things in the world are so crazy right now, that we haven't been able to say a proper goodbye.  Your celebration has been postponed until further notice. So, the family is in limbo, at least I am.  I am moving on with life despite my feelings.  We had your birthday party, as you know since you showed up and flickered the candle.  I hope you liked it.
I think you would be proud of me for the way I'm handling things.  I have not fallen into a deep, dark pit of despair that everyone was worried about.  I got a job at American Income as a benefits representative.  Basically, I speak to people about the benefits their group has set up for them and see if they qualify for more.  I know it sounds like I'm just an insurance salesman, but it's much more than that.  I help people evaluate their lives and point out the gaps in insurance that would leave their families in deep financial distress.
Also, you know about Tony.  Oh my gosh mom, he is so wonderful, and funny, sweet, charming, smart and supportive.  I told him all about my condition, and he didn't bat an eyelash.  Instead, he disclosed his own battle with depression.  How great is that?  Anyway, we are totally connected.  I haven't actually met him in person yet, since we started talking during the lockdown.  But, mom, I really like him, and I think you would have too.
I've really been thinking of going back to church regularly.  The world is just so crazy, I need some to anchor me.  I have gotten closer to God, but I haven't attended a worship service, not even virtually.  I don't know why.  I know it would do me good, but it's like "no, you can't!"  It's a matter of the scientific part of my brain talking to my soul.  So far, my brain is winning.  I can't find a televised worship service here that is Scripture driven.  It just seems like a bunch of shouting to me, or televangelists asking for money.  I have to admit, I didn't check out Saint Monica's yet for virtual services yet, so I guess I'm just making excuses for my laziness.  I promise to check it out.
Well Mommy, I guess that's all for now.  It feels really good to talk to you and let you know how I'm feeling and what's going on.  I wish I could print this out and mail it to you.  I suppose I could tie it to a balloon and send it upwards, but then there's the whole environmental impact to worry about, and powerlines and such.  So, I'll just send it to you by brain waves.  Please know how much I love you and miss you.  You are my heartbeat
Love, B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Mom

Today is my mom's birthday.  She would have been 80 years old.  She died on February 26, 2020 of pancreatic cancer.  It took her quickly.  She was diagnosed on New Year's Day.  I was devastated when I learned of the diagnosis.  But her death was kind of a relief.
You see, my mom and I had a very intense connection.  I spent most of my life living in fear of her death.  My mom was a paranoid schizophrenic, who had attempted suicide 3 times when I was growing up.  I walked around in a constant state of anxiety until the day she died.
It's weird I know, but now that my greatest fear has been realized, the knot in my stomach has loosened.  I miss her terribly.  The first week, I woke up every day and reached for the phone to call her.  When I realized she wasn't there, my heart broke again and again.
Now, when I think of her, I smile.  I remember her laughter, her smile, the little things that she would say when we talked.  I remember how she used to talk me down from a panic attack.  I remember all the times she came to the hospital to visit me when I was inpatient.
She never gave up on me. She always told me that I was beautiful, smart, and a good person.  She loved me when I couldn't love myself.  I have fallen so many times, and it was my mom who encouraged me to trust God, and get back up.  Sometimes, she would just look at me, and ask me if I needed a hug.  I would fall into her arms and she'd hold me tight.  It always felt like she was putting my broken pieces back together.
I remember our family tradition of waffles on Sunday morning.  We still do that to this day. 
My mom loved hard. She was devoted to her family.  When she and my dad got divorced, she never remarried.  She didn't want anyone else.  So, she just concentrated on us kids, and her siblings. Her love never waivered, unless you did something unforgivable.  But, if you knew my mom, you couldn't hurt her.  She just had such a big heart. 
Heaven has her now.  She is dancing and singing with the Lord.  I can't be mad at that.  I'm not angry at her for dying.  I now have to rely on the things that she taught me, in order to look after myself.  So, far things are going pretty well.  I have a new job, and I met someone I really, really like.  I talk to her a lot, and I know she's happy for me.  There  are times when I wish I could see her in person, but I know she is always there, watching me.
I just want to make her proud.  I love you Mommy, now and forever!!!!

Peace, Joy, Love - B