The Psychiatrist, the Demons, and Me All Walked into a Bar....

I went to see my doctor after the demons came.  It did not go well.  I don't think he believed me.  I told him what happened and he said it had to happen more frequently in order for him to do anything. I was dumbstruck.  I took it to mean that I had to be utterly terrified on a weekly basis for him to help me.  I tried to explain what I was feeling and he got mad at me.  I started to cry.  I told him that they were always there. 

He said to me, "Now, I feel like you're being manipulative, first you tell me it only happened one time, now you're saying they are there all the time.  What's the damn truth?!!"  How does a person respond to that?  Here I am telling my PSYCHIATRIST what's going on with me mentally and emotionally and I get scolded like some child!

I didn't say anything after that.  I have no idea what he was talking about. How was I being manipulative?  Because I cried?  That happens a lot at a mental health office, I hate to tell you doc! What would have happened if I was being manipulative?  Did he think I wanted more drugs?  Yeah, right, like I need more pills.  I don't want to be so drugged up that I become non-functional.  I've been there before.  It turned me into a 279 lb. sobbing mess.  All I did was sleep and cry and eat.  I had to go to the hospital to get weaned off all the drugs I was taking!  Turns out they were at toxic levels to boot!  

I talked to my fellow mental peers about it. I talked to my priest about it.  I was feeling so distressed about the bad feelings I was having towards my doctor, that I felt I had to go to confession.  I prayed over it.  In the end, I forgave him for his harsh words, because the bitterness was beginning to fester. I talked to my therapist about it this week and she apologized on behalf of the practice.  Get this, there is no mention of the encounter in that visits notes.  He probably doesn't even remember.

I thought briefly about finding a new doctor, but good psychiatrists are hard to find in this area.  He is good at what he does, even though his bedside manner sucks.  

Anyway, I sleep with the lights on now.  I pray every night, and ask God to send a band of angels to stand around my bed and to send the Archangel Michael to slay the demons if they do come.  It's working.  I haven't had a nightmare or anything since.  I'd say it was a case of faith in God over faith in science. 

I see him again on the 6th.  I don't think I'll be bringing up the topic again, unless of course something happens between now and then.  But, I don't think it will.  I just got a couple of new books of daily and nightly devotions to read before I say my prayers.  I constantly keep Jesus on my mind and in my heart.  My faith is increasing all the time.  Is it unshakable?  Of course not.  I expect things to come up to try and break me.  But, I am a much stronger person than I was last year.  Now that school has started again, I'm much too busy to fret over little things.

I submitted my first assignment today in one of my 2 classes.  It's not due until midnight tomorrow but I wanted to get it done and out of the way.  Besides, I have 3 articles and journal entries to make for my other class due next Tuesday.  Plus, it's time for football!!!  I'll do Adoration on Friday nights, mass on Saturday nights, and watch football on Sunday afternoons.  I'll be doing homework during the week.  I'm still not working, since I don't think I am strong enough yet.  I've what you might say is semi-stable for all of 2 weeks.  All in all this wasn't a good summer for me.  

I'm hoping now that I have concrete things to focus on, I won't go into a depression, but I have to watch my anxiety levels as well.  Too much anxiety and I'll have a panic attack, which then paralyzes me for the whole day.  They last at least 2 hours, and then it's another 3 hours before I can function normally.  The anxiety also sets my blood sugar out of whack.  It's been running kind of low lately, so I have to make sure I eat healthy meals throughout the day, whether I'm really hungry or not.  But, I also can't go over my calorie intake allowance for the day, because I am trying to lose more weight.  I'm trying to get to 175 lbs. I am currently at 233 lbs.  The days are getting cooler so I can finally get outside and walk consistently.  As long as I'm not experiencing some anxiety driven agoraphobia, that is.  Anyway, I continue to pray for humility, patience and strength of faith.  I lay all my anxieties and fears at the feet of the Lord.  If it is a case of faith over science, I am to be on the side of faith.

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

The Demons Came

They came for me in the wee hours of Sunday morning.  The Dark Man, the Old Crone, the Bald Man, the Black-toothed Man and the Witch, they are the Shadow People who normally come when I am in a deep depression.  I have not been depressed lately.  The past couple of weeks, I have been feeling pretty well.  But, they can anyway.

This time they called my name, waking me out of a deep sleep.  I saw them fully, and smelled them in their dirty stinking rags, their breath like death.  I saw the hands like bones, covered with a thin, oozing layer of skin.  The long broken yellowed nails with who know what kind of dirt under them.

"Come with us" the Dark Man said.  I did not go.  I pulled the covers over my head so they couldn't see me.  Like a child, I figured if they couldn't see me, they would go away.  They called my name again, then they went away.

When I woke up, they were no longer standing around my bed.  It was daylight. and they don't come out in the daylight.  When it's daylight, they linger in the corners.  If I look closely, I can see them in the corner of my eye.  They are demons, come to take me to the deep pits of the netherworld.  They hiss and whisper lies to convince me that God is not real, that there is only them.  I have been working to strengthen and increase my faith.  I recently signed up for an hour of Adoration of the Eucharist.  I have been praying the Holy Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary every night.  Is that why they came?  Did they come to shake my faith to the point of utter despair?  They wish me to turn my back on God, and go back to the way it was before I found the Church.

When they whispered to me before, I used to listen.  I would stay in bed, crying, feeling worthless believing that no one, especially God could love me.  I was lost in the storms of confusion, and lifelessness.  But, I am not that person anymore.  I think I made them angry.  That's why they came.

I am going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow because this was a new experience.  I never saw them all gathered together before, and they never called my name.

I went to my mother in the morning, and told her "they're back".  It had been such a long time since I heard them, and I was terrified.  I don't want to go on some horrible anti-psychotic medication, and I am definitely not going to the hospital again, unless I have no other option.  I made my mother cry.  I could hear her weeping to my aunt in the other room.  I hate it when my mother cries.  I hate causing her worry.  

My aunt convinced me to go to 12 noon mass with her and my mom.  So I did.  I took a clonazepam, and took a hot shower.  It was a different church than the one I attend, but it is a catholic church.  I received communion and felt replenished.  Something about Holy Communion makes me feel complete and gives me courage.  I guess it's because I feel that the Lord is truly inside of me.  I felt better after mass.  I called my dad later and told him what happened.  He wasn't home, so I left a message on his machine.  I called him today, and we talked about it.  He is going to call me on Wednesday to see how my doctor appointment goes.

Mental illness impacts not only the person with the disease, but all those around that person.  That's why it's so important to have a good support system in place.  I have a good one.  For that, I am truly thankful.  This only strengthens my resolve to follow in Christ's footsteps.  It did not break me.  I won't let it.  The Lord has work for me to do.  I intend to see it done.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

16 Days

In 16 days, I will be 51 years old.  I honestly don't know how I feel about it.  I guess in some ways I should be grateful, but in many ways I am not.  I look at other people and wonder how they got so lucky in life.  Why are they in love and I am not.  I am still single with no prospects in sight.  I have never been in a serious relationship.  I've never been told "I love you", except by family.  I have no children.  For goodness sake, I don't even have a pet anymore.
I am an old spinster living with my 76 year old mother and 74 year old aunt.  I don't have a job due to my bipolar illness, so I live on disability.  I am going to school part-time to get my BA, but I don't know what good it will do me.  It's just a personal goal anyway.
I guess I should be grateful for the things that God has blessed me with so far.  I have people that love me, I am back in school and I have a car now.  But somehow, I still feel an emptiness in my heart.  Part of me is still missing, and I cannot pinpoint what it is.  I just feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul that begs to be filled.
I had a pretty good week.  I made it to mass yesterday.  It was very inspiring.  It was all about storing up things in Heaven, instead of storing up things on earth.  Here I am today, whining for earthly things.  But, am I?  Love is not an earthly thing.  Is praying for financial help so I can take care of my family considered earthly?  I guess it is.  But, I only pray for it so I can make my family comfortable.  My father called me yesterday to ask me if I wanted his car.  I would just need to take over the payments.  I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that my father needs money.  He would never admit it to me, but that's what I feel in my heart is true.  As I now have a car, I don't need one.  I can't afford the payments anyway.
After I talked to him, I smoked a couple of cigarettes.  Then I wept.  I prayed the Rosary, and I wept.  I cried in frustration, fear and anger.  I begged God to help me.  I called on the intercession of the Blessed Mother and St. Gemma to petition God to hear my prayer.  I will continue to do so until I get an answer.  In the meantime, when I get my student loan money, I will send my father something.  It's the best I can do right now.
It is 16 days until my birthday.  I wonder what I will do?  Maybe I will take the family to the Cheesecake Factory and obliterate my diet that day.  I haven't had any of their vanilla bean cheesecake in 3 or 4 years.  Maybe I will take myself to the movies.  I don't know.  I'm not feeling very celebratory this year.  I guess I should just be thankful for not being in the hospital for the past 2 years.  I am not going back no matter what.  But a lot can happen in 16 days.