Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Magic of Ordinary Days

 

Today is not a good day. Yesterday was a worse day. I realized that I am sinking into a depression. My physical health is taking a toll on my emotions. I'm frustrated and fed up. I feel like giving up. But then, I think of people who have it worse than me, and I feel guilty. I can still walk, albeit slowly. I can drive my car, but must admit there are times I shouldn't be. I can still get out of my home, although yesterday was kind of tough. I was feeling unsafe. 

I skipped physical therapy yesterday. I went there and parked but never turned of the car. I felt a panic attack brewing so I left and just drove around for an hour. I did go to Kroger though and picked up a few things. I wish I had a lot more money, I would just shop. I gave up Amazon for Lent. Although I did break my Lenten commitment another way. I masturbated. It was kind of a relief. I haven't done it in almost a year, and being as I don't get any type of affection or human touch except for the doctor, it was ,kind of needed. Still, it is a since, and I'll have to confess before I can take the Blessed Sacrament again. 

I started on Nurtec yesterday. It's an oral dissolving pill for migraines. It made me sick last night. I got up about 1 am to throw up. Although it might be the milk. I got some regular milk to put on my cereal yesterday because corn flakes and rice krispies taste funny with oatmilk. So, I had regular milk yesterday for the first time in 2 years. Now I have a lot of gas. Oh well, I had a lot of gas before anyway. 

I met a guy on Facebook. His name is Victor and he seems very nice and very genuine. We chatted a bit and exchanged photos in addition to the profile. I think he could be someone important if all goes well. But, I learned my lesson with Kevin. I will not fall so hard so fast. Vic is not a work in progress. He is a complete man and knows what he wants. I found him very easy to talk to. I hope it's not just a scam or my typical trash relationship. No sex for 90 days after first date. That in itself is very unusual for me as I usually have sex right away. But, I have my standards and I'd rather be alone than get involved in another sexual escapade. 

So, I suppose the magic in an ordinary day is the ability to turn it into a better day, something extraordinary. The day started out rather glum, but it was my decision to change it that made it better. How about that, I have super powers. I didn't have them years ago. This would have been the slip slide back down the rabbit hole for a few weeks of depression and hopelessness. I don't want to feel that anymore. I have finally trained my brain to turn off certain emotions and ignore deeply trenched triggers. It only took 30+ years to master. 

I used to just let my feelings take over and ride it out. I finally learned that I am the one who controls my feelings. It's okay to feel things, but I don't have to let my emotions take over my life. When I have a bad day, it's now okay to have a bad day, but now I have the choice to either wallow in it or make it better. By the way, I made it better before I heard from Vic. I hope to hear from him again, but if I don't oh well. It's his loss.  

Well, I only sat at my desk to sit on my back cushion to make the pain go away. It's settled down now, so I guess I will try to go to bed now. Oh, I should mention that I got a letter from Social Security and they are going to decide whether or not my benefits will continue. I have to get back to them with in 10 days. Needless to say, that's a mood killer, but whatever. They're going to do what they are going to do. I'm going to write to them about all my conditions and see what happens. Wish me luck. That's all. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B💖

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What Becomes of the Broken Heartened?

 

Today, my heart is breaking. Not because of anything someone did to me, it's just hurting. My heart hurts because my body hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. My soul should be okay, I did go to Mass today where the homily and gospel was regarding the Samaritan Woman at the well. I was filled with the spirit of life, was quench with the water of life provided by Christ, my Lord and Savior. 

So, why am I down today? It didn't start out that way. I was up at 7 am, fed the cats and got ready for church. I wore my cute pink t-shirt dress and a denim jacket. I put my new pins in my hair. I looked cute. I was greeted at church warmly and even met 2 new people, a nice couple, Bob and Millie. They sit in front of me every Sunday. People are recognizing me as a regular now. It's nice. 

Next weekend, they are having a baby goods collection, so off to Walmart I went to get a few baby things. I got 2 outfits for a boy and 2 outfits for a girl  along with a couple of packs of baby wipes. I also bought myself some new socks. I must have 50 pairs of socks. I need to get rid of some. 

I came home and had breakfast, and tried to relax. Of course, it's hard to relax when you're in pain. My back is screaming at me. I put heat on it and some massage. It still hurts. I have a headache behind my right eye. I just popped a couple of Advil dual action tablets. 

I'm feeling a little blue today because today would have been 30th birthday of my friend's daughter. She tragically died in a car accident several years ago. She would have been 30 today. She was a very beautiful young woman, and was taken too soon. Makayla was my friend's only child. Since I've never had children, I cannot begin to understand Khris's pain. I can only imagine, and it makes a hole in my heart to think about it. 

Then there is the state of the world. I just don't understand how we got here. Well, yes I do, but I cannot blame just 1 or 2 individuals. I have to blame the whole country for allowing this madman to come to power and then just stand here and let him do whatever he sees fit. There is talk of him abolishing the amendment that limits presidents to 2 terms. I say okay, if you abolish it, then Barack Obama can run again and put this country back together. What the cheeto wants is to be a dictator. He thinks he will, but I have news for you. This country will only take so much of his tomfuckery before we rise up. It won't be in violence or anything, which is what he wants, it will be in silence as we take back our country and send the felon to prison where he belongs. 

I guess I'm just like everyone else. I'm tired. Naps can't help. The only thing I can do is protest and pray. That's all 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: If at First You don't Succeed...

 

Well, guys and dolls, cats and kittens, ladies and gentlemen, I had my cortisone shot in my S1 joint last Friday. It is now 4 days later, and it's worn off already. I was pain free for approximately 48 hours. Now, I'm back on my routine of Advil and Voltaren gel. I am back on the heating pad, and sitting on my donut cushion. In short, it's as if I never had the shot. What to do? 

Hmm, I'm not sure. I suppose I should call tomorrow and tell them "hey! it didn't work!!!" I guess I won't yell, but I will let them know I didn't find any relief. I don't know what the next steps will be. Maybe another MRI, probably another shot. Maybe we'll skip all the shit and just go for surgery. In any case, something will have to be done. 

I'm having the VNG test tomorrow for my dizzy spells. It's short for Videonystagmography . I'm going to have to wear special goggles that measures my eye movements why doing specific tasks. If I have abnormal eye movements, then it will prove I have a vestibular disorder. Quite frankly, I hope my reading is off the charts. I refuse to believe that my brain is normal. There is something wrong. I have to figure it out soon, so I can justify more leave of absence or that there is in fact nothing wrong so I can get back to work. 

I'm not scheduled to see my second opinion doctor until May 2nd. I can't wait that long. I'll have to call the neurologist to move up my appointment after I see the ENT on Friday. Somebody better tell me something. The ENT will probably refer me to a neurologist, which I have already.

I'm so tired of this bullshit. I wish it was over. I can see how people get depressed. I'm starting to get very anxious and irritable. I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm sleeping in more and more. Once I get a better idea of what I'm dealing with, I may have to call an attorney regarding additional social security benefits or go to the social security department. 

I guess I'll try and get some sleep now. 

Peace- Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just Breathe

Well, it's 1:23 am. I've been up for 2.5 hours. I took a cat nap before going to bed, so I guess that's why I up. Plus, my friend back pain is here to visit. I took my pills and put the gel on my back before bed, but it didn't help. I came out to put some heat on it, but that didn't help either. So, I sat at my desk for a while because I have a back support pillow on my desk chair. While, I was sitting here, I thought I would attempt to write a little something. 

I have done nothing but housework for the past few days. I'm so incredibly bored. I haven't had any dizzy spells in the past few days, so that's good I guess. I got the results of my MRI. Seems I have some age related brain changes. There are some gaps. I also have a type 1 neurovascular compression of the anterior inferior cerebellum artery. It sounds worse than it is from what i looked up about it. I haven't heard from the doctor yet. I just saw the report and looked up the information. 

It is treatable. I may be put on an antiseizure medication or I can have a small surgical correction. I just got of Depakote a few months ago. I don't want any more psych meds. If have a choice I'll take the surgery. From what I read, the surgeon will make a small incision behind my ear and separate the nerve and artery. That will relieve the pressure that is causing the vertigo. I only have to take about 2 weeks off work for it. Sounds like a plan to me. 

Although I don't need another surgery, I would rather not become a zombie on another psych med that's going to make me drowsy. April and Erica won't be to happy, but I can't please everyone. I wish my mom was here. I wish my dad was here too. I know I can still talk to them about it, and they probably are looking down on me, but it's not the same. I need some hugs. 

I'm getting a steroid injection on Friday for my back pain. It will be a shot in my sacrum. The doctor said  may need surgery for that as well. My sacrum is unstable, hence the pain. He said he can put 2 screws in my sacrum to stabilize it and relieve the pain. It will be nice to sit down without pain. 

Oh well, I guess that's all. Except I'm broke, again. Just when I figured out my budget, I've got no money coming in at this time because my STD claim is still in review. I have my car insurance to pay next week. I get my disability check on Friday, so I can pay the rent. But, I have no money for food, or electricity or my phone. I also have medical copays, and credit card debt. I swear, I really dislike my body right now. If it's not one thing it's another. 

One good thing happening is I got accepted to Georgia Southern University to complete my BA in English. I've decided to get a degree in a subject I loved in high school. I can use it, but really I love reading and writing so I think I will do well. 

That's all for real. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Conversations with God

 

It's 2 am on a Saturday morning. Am I just getting home? Hell no, I've been home all day. I don't go out at night anyway. I don't know anyone to go out with. I'm up because of my back pain again. I'm so tired of this shit. I was up very early Friday. I had a 7:30 am physical therapy appointment. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made that appointment. 

The therapist did the Epley on me 4 times. It worked pretty well. I didn't get dizzy until the afternoon. Mostly, I put heat on my back trying to stop it from screaming at me. I think I use the heating pad around 10 times a day. 15 minutes on and 45 min off. It's all beginning to get to me. 

I've been saying little prayers all day for the past week. I'm trying to remain positive and not think that a disaster is headed my way. I think that God is testing my faith. He's trying to see if I can remain strong and steadfast. That's a conversation I have with him a lot. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with Him and the way my life is going. However, I know that on the other side of these storms is peace. Besides, He didn't promise us joy in this life, but in the next. 

That's not to say that I haven't experienced joy. I definitely have even this year. I am so thankful that my mind has returned to normal. However, I do have a bit of trouble being grateful about the current state of my health. I was thinking the other day that if I were to fill out a questionnaire about my health, I would have to say poor. 

I came across a quote the other day; I asked God why He led me into these troubled waters, He replied because your enemies can't swim. 

I thought that  was rather deep, and I took it to heart. I have to keep thinking that way, or I will end up drowning. I have to remember that I am not going through this alone. God is by my side. So, whatever the outcome, I must follow God's plan and life my life as a testimony of His love. 

Sometimes, I wish I was more religious. I am definitely very spiritual, but not overly religious. I prefer to keep to myself most of the time when it comes to prayer. I don't know passages of Scripture by heart, and I'm not a what I call a bible thumper. I can explain my faith and my choice to become catholic, but I'm not going to bang anyone on the head about it. 

I usually have my conversations in the wee hours. Sometimes, He has me write like I am now. Sometimes, He has me pray. Other times it's just quiet time. I ask questions. The hard part of talking with God, is that He doesn't get back to you right away. It's not like you can call or text. God takes His time getting back to me. Most of the time, my answers come in lessons learned and sometimes the lessons are hard. Like now, I ask why this is happening to me. The answer; why not me? 

Next week is the beginning of Lent. I am giving up my Amazon habit. That's right ladies and gentlemen. I'm not buying anything from Amazon for 40 days. If you know me, you know how much I love to shop, especially on Amazon. I call it BezosMart. 

I was going to give up watching Everybody Loves Raymond. But not shopping on Amazon is more of a challenge and something that I need to address. I spend at least $300 a month on Amazon. Now that I am more cognizant of my finances, that's money I need to set aside for savings. I also have a couple of bills that I just added. I bought a life insurance policy which is $41.80/month and I am pre-paying my cremation expenses which is $62.77/month. 

I know that all sounds morbid, but I want everything to be in place. Especially with all that's going on right now. Now, I just have to get my will together. Well, I guess that's it for now. I need to pray a little more. God's usually up this time of the morning. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B