Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Who Are You Trying to Convince?

 

Today, February 26th, is the 5th anniversary of my mother's death. I've been thinking about this day for a few weeks. I was trying to determine if the day was going to get me down, or would I choose to deal with it in a healthy way. I decided that today was going to be a good day. It went okay. I didn't collapse in a heap of depression and tears. I didn't pity myself. 

What I did was post a little tribute to my mom on my Facebook page. I posted the formal picture of her. The one where she looks so beautiful. It got a lot of responses. Some people even said that I look like her. I only wish that was true. My mom in her heyday was quite a beautiful woman. 

I wish she was here so I could call her about my visit with the neurologist. He wants me to have an MRI of my brain as soon as possible and follow up with him next Friday. He is concerned, but can't make any determination if my dizzy spells are truly vertigo from BPPV or something more. So naturally, I am thinking the worst. I try to remain positive, but there is just so much going on with me. 

My back is acting up again. I have been up for several nights, including tonight with severe back pain. I'm taking Advil dual action, but I've got electricity going down my right leg and it feels like I'm sitting on rocks. It looks like another round of steroid injections. I really don't want to because it raises my blood sugar so much, but I can't live with this pain. I see the doctor on March 5th. Between the vertigo and my back, I'm sometimes ready to call it a day. 

I have physical therapy on Friday morning and 4 days next week. I rescheduled my dental appointments until later in March. I've got to get these 2 issues solved before dealing with my teeth. I mean if it turns out I have a brain tumor, I don't think I'll care too much about the gap in my teeth. 

Like I said, I am trying to remain positive, and I'm doing pretty well I think. But then again, I can't keep my mind from going down familiar pathways of thinking. Someone told me that faith and fear cannot coexist. You're either afraid or you have faith that everything will work out in your favor. So, I guess I'm letting fear win right now. I need to pray more so I can strengthen my faith. 

But then my mind starts spinning again. Who am I trying to convince anyway? Anyone who will listen quick frankly. But mostly, I'm trying to convince myself. 

That's all 

Peace, Joy, Love 

Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Spare Parts

 

Well, I have another medical issue. I think I'm going to turn myself in to the dealership and get an overhaul. I mean, come on!!!!! I'm having severe low back pain. When I say severe, I mean wake up crying in the middle of the night severe. Last night I was up until 1:30 in the morning, trying to deal with it. A couple of nights before that I was up until 3 or 4 AM. I'm exhausted as well. 

Let's go down the list shall we. Starting from the top; vertigo, ear pain, headache, stiff neck, sore left shoulder, bad back, sore right leg and stiff knees and a busted up ankle. To top it off, I'm diabetic and have bipolar disorder. Some good news on the bipolar front. I off of Depakote, and have a reduced dosage of Cymbalta. /apparently they recalled the 60 mg caps that I was on. Now I take 40 mg capsules. My mirtazapine has been reduced to 15 mg. All and all, I have been feeling pretty darn good mentally. I'm upset emotionally. The stress of the vertigo and back pain is wearing me down. 

I've been using heat on my back and am being careful about how I turn my head and position my body. I must admit, my physical therapist has help reduce the frequency of my dizzy spells. The intensity is the same. I have some testing coming up to find out the origin of the dizzy spells. I see my neurosurgeon on the 5th of March for my back pain. 

I qualified for a free home wellness visit. That's on the 3rd. I'm supposed to have an extraction and filling next Tuesday at the dentist. Oh yeah, my teeth are jacked up also. I need 2 crowns and a bridge. I also need braces. My teeth are moving, and starting to crowd each other. I may put it off a bit. I only get $2500 in benefits per year, and I'm not paying more than I have to. She's talking like $5000 plus worth of work. 

This is what I mean when I say I need an overhaul. The warranty on my body has expired, and everything is going to pot. I need to be stretched, massaged, and steamed. I wish there was a way to just go into a wellness facility for an overhaul and get new parts. However, there are no spare parts, not for organs anyway. You can get joint replacements, everything except the back. I've already had spinal fusion. I guess I'll have to see if it's failing or I just need more injections. I guess it's failing they open you back up and redo it. That would be my 5th back surgery. I can't see myself doing that again. I can't afford it, but then again I can't really afford not to. The pain was so bad this morning I couldn't work. I just curled up on the couch and slept for 2 hours. 

Speaking of sleep. I'm still tired and my back is acting up again. So, I'll close here. I'll keep you posted. Today is not a good body day. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Thank God for the Weekend

 

So, this weekend is a 3 day weekend, and all I can say Thank the Lord!! I am so tired. The week was just soooooo long. It felt like Friday would never get here. The phone calls were few and far between. I still messed up on my quality. I got a 84% which is failing. We're supposed to get at least an 85%. The week before I got a 67%, and the week before that I got a 78%. I don't know what my problem is. It's just laziness I guess. I'm also kind of embarrassed to go through the whole spiel. 

I don't mind doing customer service. I kind of like it. I like helping people understand what's going on with their plans. However, I sometimes get some shithead who thinks they know more than I do. It's like, no sir/ma'am you don't have that coverage and you never did. I don't care how much your premium is and how long you've had insurance with us. We did not write your plan, your employer did so if you want to scream at someone, scream at them. 

I don't take well to being screamed at or told that I am a  liar or don't know what I'm talking about. I do know what I'm talking about, and it pisses me off when someone says I don't. I've been in insurance for blah blah years, honey, I know how it's done. Okay, bitch/dickhead you go with that. 

This weekend is all about self care for me. I did my laundry, painted my nails, and plan on coloring my hair. I'm giving myself a facial in a few moments. I do it every Saturday night. I use a Tumeric and vitamin C mask. I'm trying to get my skin to look more awake and a little brighter. I have a couple of dark areas on my face that I want to brighten. I need to figure out what to do about my little beard. I have these coarse hairs on my chin. I've been shaving them, but I can't get the hairs below the surface. I have some Nair lotion, but it kind of burns. I'll try to do it after my facial, or should I do it before my facial? Oh well, I'll figure it out. 

I've started wearing makeup again. I haven't worn makeup for a year. I was starting to look a little worn out. My skin was dull, and my eyes have circles. I got this eye cream from IL Makiage. It works pretty well. It makes my eyes look more awake. I got some new foundation too. It covers really well and it's not heavy. I started using primer on my face so my makeup sets better and stays on all day. 

The weekend is now about me. It used to be me doing things for other people, but I make a list of all the things I want to do each weekend. It's not all cleaning all the time anymore. It's about relaxing, recharging and reflecting. Well that's all for now. I hope you have a great weekend yourselves. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Dodging Bullets

 

Well, I sure caused a ruckus. The rent was late, but what else is new. I have yet to master the timing of my bills and my money. As a result, I find myself robbing Peter to pay Paul. As a result, I am constantly overdrawn and chasing my own ass. This month was especially bad, because not only did I have a late fee of $165.50, but if I didn't pay the rent by the 13th I'd have an additional $500 fine and be threatened with eviction. 

So, I did what I always do. I asked my brother for help, and as usual he was livid. He calls April instead of me. Long story short, he sent the money for the rent, so I didn't have the extra $500 fine. I also got a lecture of how I am irresponsible, blah blah. I started to protest, but I didn't. Why poke the bear as it were?

So, then the 3 of us had this meeting about finances and my budget. I get approximately $1200 biweekly from Delta, and my disability check. Adding it all up and comparing my monthly expenses, I have plenty of money to cover my bills including the rent. My problem, is I wasn't making the rent the first priority. So, we've decided to pay the rent with my disability check. The rest of my bills are paid with my Delta money. That way, our rent is paid in advance of the 1st, and everything else just gets paid when I get paid. 

I also got a chance to explain all of my expenses, including the loans I got to buy the living room furniture. That means I get another $100 from April and Erica. That will help pay for the furniture. Erica is also going to give me money for gas, and she is going to pay for Kyber's groomer. I usually put $50 of gas in the car per month. $25 every 2 weeks. We don't go anywhere, plus I fill the tank when it gets to half. 

Now, if I could just figure out the food thing. I may try Factor. If I spend $80 every 2 weeks on food, that's $160 and I budgeted for $175. I have to either get a Dash Pass or stop getting take out. I really don't like to cook that much. If I cook something, I have a tendency not to want it. Besides, I have to work until 8 PM, so I need something quick to eat so I can go to bed at a good hour. 

I'm still in charge of animal care. I don't mind. They are healthy, so they don't go to the vet that often. I had to drop their insurance because I could afford it. Pet insurance is expensive and with 3 animals it's just outrageous. 

I now owe my brother $2900. I am going to pay him back if it kills me. I know he gets mad at me, but I'm determined to make it right. I feel very guilty when I call him. But he should realize that he is my last resort. I don't call him lightly. I try to work things out on my own before asking anyone for anything. Hopefully, if I can pay him back this amount, he will realize that I'm trying. Of course, I'm paying him back a little at a time. Next week will be around $250, after that, I'm hoping to pay him $500 monthly until it's paid off. 

In the meantime, I'm also trying to save for a new car, a house and a vacation. It's a tall order I know, but I think I can do it. I just can't call out sick anymore and God forbid I cannot go on disability for anything. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. It's 3 AM, and I have yet to get any sleep. I am going to try to get some rest. All this dancing around dodging financial bullets make a girl tired. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Feel the earth Move

 

Okay, it's been 3 months since my dizzy spells began. I was diagnosed with BPPV, benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. However, things are looking pretty grim. My spells have started to last for hours, even days. That is not the case for BPPV in which dizziness typically lasts for seconds or a minute maybe. 

 I'd be lying if I say that I'm not worried. It's starting to keep me up at night. I keep catastrophizing the situation. What if it's a brain tumor? What if I have Parkinson's disease? What if I have some weird cancer of the inner ear? You know, just me thinking of the worst case scenario because that's what I do. It takes years of practice to think the way I do. 

It's my mom's fault. Not anything she did purposefully you understand. It's just because there was a lot of missed opportunities for reassurance in my life. I spent the greater part of my life waiting for her to die by suicide. God knows she attempted it enough. I used to come home from school fully prepared to find her dead body in the house. It's horrible way to grow up. All that anxiety and living in survival mode took a toll on my poor body. 

Sometimes, I have wondered if this is some kind of psychosomatic illness. But, people have seen my symptoms. I have this awful tremor in my right hand. My hand used to shake occasionally, but now it does it constantly. It's worse when I'm stressed, which is beginning to be all the time. 

To top things off, I'm now looking at some extensive dental work. I went to a new dentist for a simple exam and cleaning. Turns out I need a scaling and root planing, 2 root canals, a filling, an extraction, braces and a bridge. I'm talking at least $5k worth of work. I see why people have all their teeth taken out and get dentures, but I don't want to get dentures. I want to keep the teeth I have. It will take a couple of years to do, since I have only $2500 max per year in benefits. I hope I get to keep my job. 

I failed another quality score. I had 3 100% in January. I failed the last week of January and the first week of February with 78% and 65% respectively. I don't know what's wrong with me. It seems the more I try the more mistakes I make. I'm just going to have to relax and do what I know how to do. 

This job is really a cake walk. All I have to do is follow the quality template and easy peasy 100%. I should be a level 2 by now. Maybe by my 3rd anniversary. I hope my mind holds out. I feel like I have to get rid of some information in order to memorize new stuff. I wish brains had a flash drive. 

I'm getting my car serviced today at 7 am. Then I have an appointment with Sheeba at 11:30. The only 2 things I'm getting done to my car is an oil and filter change and new wiper blades. I can't afford anything else. The check engine light came on the other day, but that was just due to the gas cap not being tight enough. Erica put gas in the car and didn't screw the cap on right. I fixed it, and the light went off. I need to hurry up and get Car Shield or something in case the car really breaks down. Unfortunately, I can't afford it. At least I don't think so. I'll have to see. If I can get it for $50 or less a month, I'll get it. Right now I'm pretty much broke. I'm always broke. I don't even have $3 for the lottery. Pitiful huh? I could really use a financial windfall soon. 

The rent is late again. It's always late. I won't be able to pay it until the 14th. They'll draw up the paperwork on the 10th for eviction. I'll just have to wing it as usual. I still have to pay Jerald back his $1000, and save money for emergencies, and general savings. I'm trying to save $100 per month, but all I've saved so far is $5. Like Shaboozey says, all I need is little good news. 

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully my car service will be about $100. That way I can pay Sheeba. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B