Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Isn't it Time?

 

I have come out of a week in the pit. I slipped and fell down the rabbit hole yet again. I felt it coming per usual, but I was too tired to stop it. I was fed up with life and just pulled the blankets over my head and went to sleep for a few days. Things did get a little serious. I would drift off in traffic. I started to think about how no one really needed me, and how I really hated my existence. It's all stuff I've felt before, nothing I couldn't get through just I had done previously. 

This time though, something clicked in my head. I was standing in the shower. As I let the water pound on my back, I thought, this is it, I'm done. As I dried myself off, I thought about about the one thing I hated about my life most of all. That was a simple answer. I hated my job. I mean working in corporate America in any capacity. I was tired of having to satisfy quality, calls per hour and average call time, after call work time and all the other stupid metrics I have to meet. I'm tired of talking to the people about their policies. This is not a life. This work does not let me express my creativity. I can't continue to let my mind turn to mush. I've had it. 

I wanted something that stimulated my mind, where I'd be happy to face each morning with new energy. So, I've gone back to my acting classes. I'm getting serious about pursuing the dream of being a full time entertainment professional. First of all, I'm going to look for a job in the industry, maybe a PA. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but I'll figure it out. Just to be on set will be a blast. I know it's a long shot, but I'm hoping to parlay that into an acting job somehow. 

I know this probably sounds like the rambling of a crazy lady. It's not though, it's the woman of a particular age who is making her statement about the rest of her life. I've had a lot of dreams that have gone by the wayside, mainly because my illness has gotten in the way. But, I am a creative person, an artist. As it stands, most artists are a little crazy anyway. Artists don't work 9-5, or sleep regular hours. True artists create in the middle of the night, the wee hours of the morning and are just going out when the 9-5 world is coming home to settle into an evening of dinner and TV. I belong in that world. Of course, I know I need to make a living. That's why I'm on a journey to find an industry job. I know it won't be easy, it will be hard work and I'll have bad days. But, I had a goal, not just a dream and I think it's time to go for it. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Doctor Will See You Now

 

Well, the verdict is in for now. After spending the past 2 months trotting from one doctor to another, there is nothing wrong with my back that anyone can see on my MRI and CT scan reports. 

However, there is something there. I can feel it. I'm sitting on it. It causes pressure and pain in my leg at night when I lay down. No matter what position I'm in, my leg goes numb and my foot as well. I'm very depressed about the whole thing. I honestly think that they didn't scan the right place. They didn't go below my sacrum and that's seems to the area of origination. 

The doctor didn't exam me, I just had x-rays and the imaging. The doctor recommended that I reach out to the surgeon that did my original spinal fusion. I couldn't remember his name at first, but I found him. I sent a request for an appointment on Friday. I'm just waiting to hear back from them. 

In the meantime, I'm just in pain. I have left shoulder pain that's more worse than when I first sought treatment. I'm having another MRI in a few weeks. It's like I just get shuffled off to get stuck into a machine. I think I really tore my shoulder the other day. I was bending over to pick up over something off the floor, and felt a burning sensation in my shoulder. 

I'm getting breakout pain from my back and shoulder. I'm lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep. I'm tired. I can see how chronic pain suffers get addicted to painkillers then heroin. It's difficult to live like this. I wish I didn't have to anymore. I'm going to see the neurosurgeon and that's it. After that, I'll just be tired I guess. Maybe I'll try an acupuncturist. Who knows anymore?