Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: This Crowded Room

 

Well, I have calmed down from my rant of my last post. I talked to my therapist. She said I need to express myself to April and Erica about how a messy house affects me. Did they understand? Not really, I just got looks. Erica is cleaning her area today, while once again my sister is on the couch scrolling through TikTok. I think I'll just give up and call it a day. It's rather fruitless anyway. They look at me like I'm crazy, and I end up feeling guilty. The thing is, I end up cleaning anyway, just because it makes me so anxious. Take this morning for instance, I cleaned up the kitchen. It's sort of become my job to clean up the kitchen in the mornings, clean the litter box, and load the dishwasher. Erica used to clean the litter box, but since she is so slow to do it, I do it, because it upsets the cats to have a full litter box. Zaybra will go outside the litter box if it's not clean. So, I clean it at least once a day. 

Now that my anger has simmered down, I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts. I really need some friends. In an effort to expand my horizons, I accepted a friend request on Facebook. It started out well enough, but then he's like, I'm a maritime engineer on an oil rig, you're so beautiful, blah blah. Just another romance scammer. I'll have to block him. Truth be told, I just want a sexual partner. I'm not even interested in romance at this point. The guy I want doesn't exist. Ok, maybe Lenny Kravitz or Keanu Reeves, but that's it. Let's face it, my chances of meeting either of them is only better than having a baby. We all know that's not going to happen. 

I started getting the urge to decorate. I bought a couple of prints for my bedroom wall, and I think I'll get one more. I ordered some pillow covers for the living room. The pillows on there now are so incredibly ugly. I also bought myself some new towels. They are a bright apple green. I got some rainbow striped hand towels to go with them. I like them a lot. The bathroom is probably my favorite room, because it's bright and cheery. Of course, all their crap is everywhere. Especially Erica's stuff. She's in there cleaning it up right now. Her excuse for her behavior is that she has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. I guess I could try and be more understanding, but she doesn't try to keep herself organized, and there are just piles of stuff everywhere. 

Sometimes, if I'm home alone, and I see a pile of her dirty laundry on the floor, I'll wash it. My sister is much more tidy. However, she has taken over the closet. But she does her own laundry and everything. I wouldn't dare touch her stuff. It is verboten. 

Well, I'm listening to some music and waiting to wash my hair. I bought some hair color, but I don't know if I want to do it today. I should go get a mani-pedi, but I just did my nails yesterday. My toes look okay, I guess. It's not like someone's going to look at them and say "oh my gosh, you do your own toes, don't you?!!!" 

Well, the week in the office was fun. It was nice to be on sight with everyone. It was exhausting, though. Getting up early everyday to take Erica to work and then going to doctor appointments. I get home at 8:30 pm eat dinner and climb into my bed. I've been having some excruciating back and leg pain. I didn't do anything to it, it just hurts. I had an MRI on Thursday, and I have a CAT scan on the 31st. The doctor did a x-ray, but didn't see anything wrong with my fusion. So, I'm not sure exactly what he's looking for, but all symptoms point to a spinal or vertebral tumor. OK, so I may be catastrophizing, but I don't know what else it could be. It's definitely nerve related, not muscle related. So, I'll guess I'll have to wait and see. 

Zelda, is telling me it's time to get off the computer, so I guess I'll sign off. I'll go wash my hair now. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cinderella, Housekeeper

 

Ok, So this isn't about anything in particular. I suppose you can say it's a rant. I'm just venting. Although, I must admit, there is a bit of paranoia slipping in again. This weekend, I did a lot of cleaning. Which is something I normally don't mind. But, I am getting a little tired of being the only one who does it. 

April and Erica spend most of their time on the goddamn TikTok and talking about stupid shit. My sister literally sits on the couch all weekend, unless we go out somewhere. Yesterday morning, I got up cleaned the kitty litter, took my car in for service, and went to Walmart. These 2 clowns were still in there pajamas. Okay, Erica was wearing clothes, but that's only because I didn't take the dog out before I left. I had time to do it, and feed them but I was like, fuck it, I ain't doing it. Let them do their own shit. 

I usually do things on the weekend because I tell myself that they are tired from working all week. But, stop, wait a fucking goddamn minute. I work too! Nobody makes a move to make things easier for me. The only thing April does on the weekend is make Sunday breakfast. But guess who cleans up the fucking kitchen? Me!!!! If I don't do, it will sit there all damn day. 

I just finished sweeping the floor, because no one else does it. I know this apartment isn't all that great, but still, I would like it to look presentable. I even took the time to put a few decorations on my side of the bedroom. I just want it to be cheerful, is that a fucking crime. No, but those 2 would rather wallow in the fact that we live in a very small apartment, and they don't have the old place anymore. We'll be here a year in October, and I would love to move to a bigger place, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I'm still trying to save money. I finally figured out how to pay my bills and have some spending money, but they only think about themselves 99% of the time. 

Yesterday, after we went shopping, we went for brunch. I paid for it. Did those 2 even mention giving me money for it? Of course not. Later, when it was time for dinner, they ordered out. Did anyone ask me if I wanted anything? Well, for fuck sake, that would be too much like right! I had a grilled cheese sandwich. Not that I wanted tacos anyway, but Jesus H. Christ, at least ask me. 

Times like this, I feel like, just get the fuck out, I pay the rent, electricity and car insurance. I can certainly afford to live on my own. I even buy my own food. Sometimes, I even pay for their food. I get $600 measly from them for rent. It should be more like $800-900 but I just let it go. It seems like whenever I ask a question or make an observation, April looks at me with utter disdain. Sometimes, I want to punch her smack in her face. Erica is just as selfish. Although, she does buy me Starbucks when I take her to work. 

Then there's the fact that neither Erica or her brother talk to me about anything going on in their lives, which really pisses me off because I was more like a mom to them when they were growing up. But fuck it, fuck them, fuck it all. I'm done