Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Black Sheep

 Did you ever get the feeling that your very existence seems to bug someone? Or everyone? You know the feeling. The feeling that you don't belong in any circle anywhere. You don't even fit in with your own family. You're the odd man out all of the time. No matter what you do, it's not good enough, or you didn't do it fast enough. You could bring home straight As on a report card, but someone will point out that you only got a 97 on a test instead of 100%. 

That's me. The black sheep. I never did fit in anywhere. When I was little my siblings wanted nothing to do with me. All the neighborhood kids picked on me. I was too black for some, too white for others. In high school, I was a nerd. I always had my nose stuck in a book. I was too fat. I had friends in high school, but I loved them more than they loved me. 

In my family it's no different. I'm crazy after all. I am emotional rollercoaster. My family didn't know what to do with a bipolar child, so they left me to my own devices, which caused deeper isolation and depression. I was told to "snap out of it" and "get yourself together" so many times I could spit. My mom was dealing with her own craziness, so she was no help. My dad was so busy working, he didn't know what was going on half the time. He absolutely hated it when I cried. According to my grandparents, everything would be fine as soon as I turned my life over to Christ. Well, I did. I didn't fit in at church either. I don't dress right, pray right and I'm not there looking to find a husband. 

When things did go well, I always knew it would just be a matter of time until some trigger sent me off the ledge into another abyss of depression. But, I did okay while I could. I wish I could say I was doing well now, with the new job and everything, but this house is just a powder keg waiting to explode. 

April and Erica are constantly annoyed by me, yet I don't do anything wrong. I do things around the house out of love and the fact that I require a neat home in order to function. I know it has slowly developed into a form of OCD. I can no longer have a bunch of clothes in my hamper. I must make my bed everyday, The kitchen must be clean, and the living room must be tidy. The throw pillows must be arranged just so, in order for me to relax. If these things are out of place, I start pacing and the anxiety builds up in my body and my gut starts churning and my head aches. 

I suppose I should talk to my therapist about this, but I haven't seen her in a month. I texted her, but I never heard back from her. I'll try again when I am out of training. I don't have the time to see her right now anyway. 

So, I sit here in my room working for 8 hours a day with my cat to keep me company, and when they come home, I kind of float in and say hello, then float out again. Maybe I guess I shouldn't call myself a  black sheep. Maybe I should say that I am a black bird in a flock of flamingos. I stand out, but in the grand scheme of things, my presence makes no real different. 

Peace, Joy, Love-B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I've Had Enough, Thank You

 

Well, here it is. 2 am and I'm wide awake. My meds are on board, but I can't seem to catch the elusive butterfly of sleep. I don't even know if I'm tired. I'm just up, with nothing to do, no place to go and no one to call. So, I just putter around the dark house and go outside to smoke. Quite frankly, I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm tired of cycling. 

I guess I'm on my way back up to mania. For the past 3 days, I've nothing but sleep. It was nice actually. I've been really tired lately,  and couldn't work up the desire to leave my bed. I missed my last 3 days of work at the animal clinic. Yesterday was my last day. I felt bad, but then I didn't because my head hurt so bad. I had a headache for 3 days and my ears were ringing and my heart was jumping all over the place. 

The doctor still hasn't gotten the results from my Halter Monitor test yet. Which can either be good or bad. My heart is still having palpitations. It happens more now. Then with the headaches, I don't know what to think. Maybe it's the bipolar, maybe not. My EKG was definitely abnormal, that I know for sure. I would just really like to know what's going on. I see the doctor again tomorrow about these headaches. I've never had headaches  like this before. I do get headaches in my frontal lobes when I'm manic, but the type I'm having now are in the back of my head near the base of my skull. Sometimes, I feel like someone is tightening a cord  around my neck and I can't breath. I  wonder, if I'm having small strokes. It  figures. 

I have another job interview tomorrow. This time with the Walmart Clinic as a Care Host, aka Patient Representative. If the pay is good, I just might take it. I'll find out. I have a list of questions for them. That always goes over well. I'll be honest, I'm having second thoughts  about Delta Dental. I don't think I want to work from home. I'm used to human interaction in person, having coworkers with me. While the thought of working from home seems okay, not being able to see other people is kind of a drag. 

Of course, Walmart will have to meet all the criteria if I'm going to bail on Delta. I must have at least $17 per hour, with good benefits. I would get 10% off everything, except Rx I have a feeling. But, will I get all the paid holidays. How much vacation and sick time would I get. Plus there are 12 hour days to consider, while Delta is a M-F gig. 

I want my mom. I almost  started crying earlier because I want to talk to her and my dad so very much. Father's day is coming up, and I keep seeing these stupid ads for Father's Day, and I'm like no he won't love it, because he's dead! I tried  to make an appointment with Kristy, but I never heard back from her. 

That's another thing about Delta. I would have anytime to schedule my doctor appointments. I'm all verklemped. I guess that's how you spell it. I wonder to if this is all due to anxiety. I hope not because that means another pill, and I don't want any more pills. I'm tired of pills. I'm tired of being up one day and down the next. Every time I think I'm doing okay, something seems  to come along to make me look over my shoulder to see what's coming. 

A person has to be on guard, especially nowadays. You never know who's got an AR15 rifle pointed at your back. Of course, that's not how I'm going to go out. I'm going to be killed in a car wreck by someone running a red light. Why so specifically that way? Because people in Georgia are maniacs. 

Oh well, guess I'll go get some juice and have another smoke. It won't help anything, but I can't just sit here. My eyes are getting tired, but I'm not. Tomorrow is either going to be great or it's going to suck. I guess I'll make it great. No negative energy. The Year of Attraction. Yea, blah, blah. Good Morning- B