Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Dangling Carrot or Somebody Give Me a Damn Job!!

 

Well, I had an interview last week.  I'm supposed to hear something this week, but I'm not holding out much hope.  I mean it's Monday for goodness sake.  She said they had other people to interview, but if they really wanted me, I would have heard something by now.  That's been my experience anyway. 

I had another interview later in the week.  It was just a phone interview.  It didn't go that well.  I wasn't really ready and I didn't really present myself too well. I had my hopes set on the first interview, but like I said, nothing yet. 

Today, I had another phone interview.  This time with PetPlan insurance. The interview went really well, the woman liked me, and I was poised and confident.  It's a totally remote job, they provide the equipment and everything.  All I need is high speed internet, which we have.  The connection can be wireless too.  Some other places say you need to have a hard wire. 

Anyway, I'm really excited. I hope I get it.  It only pays $15.30 per hour and no benefits, but I don't have to spend money on gas.  It's just a temporary position, but if it works out I may get hired on full time with benefits.  

I've been up since 1:30 am, so I'm running on adrenaline.  My eyes are exhausted. My shoulder hurts and my mind is running a mile a minute.  I'm manic right now.  I'm hearing things, so I've had to be very quiet today.  No music or television.  The voices I'm hearing sound like men announcing news on the radio.  At least it's not those awful sport noises.  Ok, My brain is tired.  I really need a job.  I'm behind on my bills and my credit rating fell 30 points.  

That's all I guess.  I don't have anything for dinner.  I guess it's grilled cheese. meh. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Thanksgiving???

                                            

It's almost that time.  Thanksgiving day, the big holiday kickoff is next Thursday.  It's supposed to be a day when we Americans celebrate the safe arrival of the Pilgrims and them breaking bread with the natives they found here. This was all before we plundered their land and gave them diseases, of course. 

It's also a day when we are suppose to examine ourselves and give thanks for what we have, yada yada. So, what am I thankful for?  I have no idea.  Right now, not much.  I am thankful I have a nice home, but I can barely make rent.  I have a car I can no longer afford.  I have plenty of clothes, but no where to go. I also have food, but not a lot.  In fact, I am running out of food as we speak.  I need to apply for food stamps, but I'm having trouble downloading the forms.

I am, I suppose, thankful for my family.  I mean, my sister and I have been getting along.  I don't deal with my brother anymore.  I think I give up where he's concerned.  I'm going to see my aunt and uncle this Sunday.  That will be nice.  I must admit, I'm still a little pissed about my dad.  It's the first holiday season without him.  I guess I've reconciled myself with the fact that my mom is gone.  

I'm not making anything for Thanksgiving dinner.  Erica's friends are coming over for dinner.  Well, not all of them, just her other best friend with her family.  This will be our first Thanksgiving with Mickey, so we'll see how that goes.  I've never spent Thanksgiving with a white person before, can you believe that? 

April and Erica are going out on Friday night to see a comedian.  He's really funny too!  At least, I think they are going.  There was an issue with the tickets last night.  Did they ask me about it?  Of course not! Should they have?  Yes, indeed!  I could have scraped up the money if I had known.  But, their world doesn't have much room for me.  I am included in the Nashville trip to see the ISU skating championships in January.  

I have 2 job interviews this week. One tomorrow and the other on Friday.  Either one will work. One job is with Petplan, it's temporary, but I'm desperate.  The other is a vet receptionist in Smyrna.  I guess I'm going to have to settle for $16 an hour.  I need more, but I can't do this anymore.  It's not working, and all my efforts to get my credit on track are taking a hit.  

Well, I got 20 minutes before my therapy session.  I wonder what I will talk about.  I'll tell her about this morning's dream.  I wonder what it means.  I may write about it later.  I don't know.  It was kind of traumatic. I'd prefer not to think about it too much.  TTFN - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Way of the Dawn

 

It's 6:22 am right now.  I've been up since 2:25.  I woke up because I was in a deep dream and I had to pee.  I almost wet the bed.  In the dream, I was in a collage dormitory.  For some reason that I don't know, I was white girl with long blonde hair.  At any rate, I was talking with someone, and suddenly had to pee.  It was kind of strange because all the other girls in the dorm thought I was bulimic. At any rate, I almost peed myself through and through.  That angered me a little because I just changed the bedding yesterday. 

I changed my pajama pants and went outside to smoke.  It's cold outside; 39 degrees.  That's pretty darn cold for Georgia.  April broke down and put the heat on last night, because when she came home it was only 66 degrees in the house. I still have a window cracked open in my room, and sleep with the ceiling fan on.  I need fresh circulating air to sleep soundly.  

I tried to go back to bed, but my mind said no.  My body was willing, but my mind was whirling.  Right now, I have a headache.  I'll take a nap later I guess. 

I finally gave up and went to smoke another cigarette a couple of hours later, and thought I would watch the sun come up, but the wind has picked up and it's even colder out than it was before.  It's one of those mornings that makes you want someone to cuddle up to and savor the warmth of the covers.  But in my case, I just have to settle for the cat.  She's not even here right now.  

I had a session with my therapist yesterday.  It was ok.  I told her about my dream with my parents.  I don't think there's any big psychological breakthrough there.  I miss them terribly and am afraid that they are disappointed in me.  What can I do about it?  I can't think of anything.  I've always tried to be a good girl, and I've never felt like I was enough.  I didn't think those feelings would continue but they do.  

I haven't heard anything about the job yet.  I sent a thank you email yesterday, so I'm hoping that generates some response.  I'm trying to remain positive and put out good vibes so that the universe will manifest what I want.  I don't really pray anymore.  I'm kind of just floating around hoping I don't get hit by a meteorite. 

I hope to get out of the house today.  I'd like to go with them on their Saturday errands.  They went to the movies last night.  I didn't go, because I wasn't asked, nor did I have the money to pay for myself.  So, I stayed home and took a hot shower and went to bed.  So it goes.  I wonder if the sun is coming up yet, so that I can see it.  The cats are looking for their breakfast.  I'm not going to feed them right now.  They'll be fine for another hour.  Time for another cigarette.  

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Day Without Words

 

So yesterday I was alone all day.  April was at work, and Erica and her friends went out all day touring the sights.  Here I was alone with 3 cats and the tv.  I woke up feeling like crap and I didn't want to do anything.

I ended up taking a bath because I thought it would help me feel better.  I felt very slightly energized, but it didn't last.  I suppose it was a better circumstance than the  day before when I slept all day.  I then slept all night.  Last night, I went to bed at 7:30.  No one seemed to miss me.  They were out there playing games and watching movies, while I was in my room watching Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.  

I suppose I should have gone out to the living room and put  myself in the conversation, but I discovered the other night at the party that I am not funny or even slightly amusing.  I told a couple of jokes, which bombed incredibly bad, and Erica's friends just kind of looked at me.

I used to be funny.  I was funny in high school, and even my coworkers would say I was fun to be around.  All my coworkers except at Amazon.  I didn't talk much there.  Never had the chance.  I'm kinda of just a loose wire that no one can figure out where it goes.  So, I just get thrown into the junk drawer.  

Anyway, with no one to talk to all day, I didn't say a word until 6 pm.  That's when April came home and brought me a pack of cigarettes.  I said thanks.  It was an hour after that before I spoke a whole sentence.  I saw her filling out some paperwork, and asked her what she was doing.  She was filling out her passport application.  

She and Erica had their passport pictures taken today.  She said they did it just to have them, but they'll probably go somewhere next year without me.  They always do.  They probably won't even ask if I want to go, which is typical.  I'm the one who looked up and printed out the stinking applications in the first place.  Mine is done, but as per usual, I don't have the money to get it done.  

I'm not much of a person anymore.  For the past year, I've just been existing.  I had a dream about my parents last night.  We were at my Nana's house, and I kept trying to tell them something, but they just kept accusing me of things.  When I tried to say it wasn't my fault, they didn't believe me.  My mom was so mad,  and just kept saying they couldn't trust me.  For some reason it was dark in the house, and I couldn't get any of the lights to work.  At any rate, I woke up very sad. 

I haven't spoken much today either.  Erica just went to the store and did actually ask me if I wanted something.  I  just asked for ginger ale. My appetite is very bad.  I'm not hungry lately.  I hardly ate anything at the party except for cheese dip and crackers.  I ate 2 of my cookies, which everyone loved by the way.  

I have a phone interview in a few minutes for a vet receptionist job.  I really need a job.  I don't have any money and my bills are past due.  I need $18 hour to make ends meet.  I hope this works out.  I'll worry about my ankle later.  I can drive if I strap my foot up.  How will my no talking thing work for the interview?  

Had my interview!  I did amazingly well!!! My cute bubbly customer service self was right on point! Now I'm just waiting for an email for a working interview.  Yahoo.  I'm going to smoke. 

Peace Joy Love - B