Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: No Crying Allowed

So, I moved to Duluth on August 10th.  It's been downhill since then.  I have no support here.  I get on their nerves.  They said I brought chaos to their lives.  Everything is my fault.  I'm not allowed to cry. I must put on a smile and act happy.  I hate them.

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Return

Oh my, it's been a long time.  I wish I could say something wonderful happened, like I met a guy and am getting married.  Unfortunately, life only works like that in the movies.  I still have no friends despite putting myself "out there".  You know, look people in the eye, show them that dazzling smile, and say in your most lilting voice "hello".
I've been doing my hair everyday.  It's grown out a lot.  I'm rockin' the soft curly Afro.  No more chemicals for this girl.  I might dye it though, a little too much grey.  I'll be 54 next month, but I don't want to look it.  I've lost 30 lbs. since my last post.  I went on a healthy eating plan, with an occasional indulgence.  I'm the type of person that gets cravings for a certain thing, and I'll try to avoid that thing.  But what happens is, I eat everything else trying to avoid that one thing, which I just give up and eat anyway.  So, not only do I feel like Jabba the Hut, I also feel guilty for having destroyed the days success.
Remember last year when I had my D&C for my post menopausal bleeding?  Well, I haven't bled since June 2018.  Well, TA-DA!! I started bleeding again this past April.  The cramps were so bad, I could hardly stand-up straight. I got the cramps in May, but no bleeding.  It came back with a vengeance in June, and 2weeks later I got it on July 1st.  It's almost over.  I have gynecological appointment on the 9th, so we'll see what happens.
I'm moving to Duluth, GA to share a house with my sister and niece.  My aunt whom I live with now as well as my mom, told me she wants me out.  Apparently, she is sick of me.  I don't know what I said or did, but we are no longer getting along.  She barely speaks to me.  I know she thinks I'm lazy and I make excuses for not working, but that's not true.  I thought she understood my disease, but I guess not.  She doesn't understand I can be fine for a day, week, month, etc, but then all of a sudden my soul is cloaked in darkness, and it hurts to breathe.  I don't have strength to get out of bed or eat.
I thought she understood, but I guess not.  It really hurts.
I'm doing better now.  I'm 6 months stable now, so it seems my drug cocktail is working.  Both my doctor and therapist are very pleased with my progress, and I've even started looking for a part-time job.  I use my coping skills a lot, it's either that or cry all the time.  I still cry, but at least now I know why.  I know the reason and emotion behind my tears instead of being miserable without knowing the reason.  I'm feeling good most days.  I wake feeling optimistic.  Sometimes it lasts, sometimes not.  But that's okay, so far I'm taking good care of me.   #peace #joy #love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Woke Up

It has been 3 months since I went to bed. I slept all day and all night.

I didn't even get up to smoke.  I abandoned light, drawing my curtains tight.

My sweet mother woke me up once a day so I would eat something.

The rest of the house was too bright too loud. I did not linger.

I saw my doctor and therapist weekly.  I wore my pajamas. I did not bathe regularly.

I despised the sight of myself. Teeth covered with film, breath smelling foul

My blood pressure and blood sugar went unregulated.  I did not care if I died. That was the point.

I did not go inpatient as I was inpatient three times in 2018.  Once, I was committed against my will.

After many medication changes, and outpatient sessions, I am on the verge of bankruptcy.

I cannot afford to get sick.  I am constantly borrowing money from my family to squeak by as it is.

However, last week something happened.  I looked in the mirror, and I saw a tiny sparkle in my eye. 

There was a medication change eight weeks ago, so I guess it finally took effect. 

We also took in a foster dog.  I am trying, but failing, not to fall in love with him, but he is perfect.

I hope I keep feeling this way.  I do not want to go back down that black hole.

It's only been a week. I just woke up.

peace, joy, love

B