The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I should be doing my homework right now.  But, I am not.  I have 3 assignments due tomorrow night by midnight.  I printed them up, but they remain safely nestled in my class folder sitting on my bed.  Why am I not doing them?  Because, quite frankly, I do not care.  I have other things on my mind.
About 2 weeks ago, I started having menstrual cramps.  But, I have not bled.  This is unusual, because I have not had a period for 4 years.  I let it go a week, then I called the doctor.  I had my appointment this past Tuesday.  They examined me, did a full pelvic exam and pap smear.  She also screened my urine for a possible urinary tract infection.  She said she should hear something by today, Thursday.  But, so far nothing.
I had to take my mom to her this morning.  She is having more debilitating pain in her left knee.  While I was there, I asked about my lab work.  Nothing back yet, I was told.  So, I called at at 3:45pm, right before they close.  Nothing back yet, the nurse said again.  Okay, I am freaking out now.  My doctor is not in tomorrow, so that means I have to wait until Monday.
I don't know if they know this, but you don't tell a person with an anxiety disorder to wait.  It is truly killing me.  The worst possible diagnosis has engraved in my brain.  Something bad came back with my pap smear.  I have cervical cancer.  I just know there is something wrong with me.  Otherwise, the tests would have come back already.
I am so wrapped up in this, I cannot concentrate on anything else.  Of course, I am worrying over nothing, right?  The lab is just slow.  They are backed up.  I am trying to convince myself that is the case.  But, in my heart, I know it's not true.  I just need it confirmed. What will I do if I have cancer?
First, I have to figure out a way to tell my mom, as I did not tell her about the cramping.  It's still going on by the way.  I bought some specialized medical insurance several months ago.  It covers heart attack, stroke and cancer.  So, I think I am okay financially.  It's the chemotherapy that scares me.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to finish school, go to church, visit my father and a million other things.  I know that cancer treatment has advanced, but I've always heard the cure is worse than the disease.
This is all my fault for not taking good care of myself.  If only...
But, I can't turn back time.  I can't change anything I've done.  I can change the future.  So, I have been praying for healing of an unknown illness, and strength to go through whatever God has planned for me.  I know, you are probably saying, she is blowing this way out of proportion.  It's true, I have a tendency to do that.  But, I know my body, I know when something isn't right.  There is something going on within me.  Besides, I had originally thought ovarian cancer.  I was one of those women who put baby powder in her underwear everyday.  Plus, both are rather difficult to diagnose.  So, how can I be sure?
So, I wait and worry, worry and wait.  I have a feeling I won't get my homework done this weekend.  I'll do it for tomorrow night, but it won't be my best effort.  How could it?  I don't really care.
I'll keep you posted on how everything goes.  In the meantime, you'll probably see a couple of more posts from me.  All I'll be doing is waiting and wondering and thinking too much.  Please pray for me.
Peace, Joy, Love
Bev

The Letter Never Sent

Dear Family and Friends,

If you are reading this, I am dead.  I have taken my own life by overdose.  I know you are shocked, dazed and confused.  I know you have questions.  But, let me assure you of one thing, this is NOT your fault.  It's no one's fault, except mine.  This has nothing to do with what anyone did or said.  Nor is it the fault of what you didn't do or say.  This was my choice.
The truth is, I simply couldn't handle it anymore.  Mental illness is not like they portray in the movies or on TV.  I did not make cute or funny remarks.  I did not fall in love with someone who broke my heart.  I was not the wacky neighbor next door.  No, I was very broken and living in a state of perpetual agony.  Death comes as a sweet release from all the pain.
I wish I could explain it better.  But, I lived my life in a constant panic.  What was I afraid of?  I was afraid of everything and nothing.  There were days where I could conquer the world.  There were days, too many, where the very sight of the sun filled me with dread.  I could not breathe, I could not see, and I could not hear all of the things that the wondrous works of God had set before me.
I know I have sinned by doing this, for I broke a commandment.  But it wasn't the first time.  The first time was when I allowed myself to believe the words of the enemy, and turned my back on God.  There are 3 other occasions when I attempted suicide, but God, in His wisdom, saved me from myself.  He told me that He loved me and had great blessings in store for me.  I believed Him.
But this time, the world got too big, and I could not hear Him with all the voices in my head.  They drowned out the Word of the Lord.  I could not find Him, and I was so tired of looking.  I cried out to Him, but I guess He did not hear me.  If He did, I was not there.  I was lost at sea, swept up in a hurricane and tossed about like sticks.  The waves were so high.  Believe me when I tell you I tried to hold on to something, anything.  But, finally it was just too much and I let the riptide pull me under.
What do I expect you to do now?  Nothing.  Just go on and live your lives as people do.  If you want to, light a candle and pray for my soul so I do not spend eternity in Purgatory.  I'm sorry if I've left a hole in your lives, but it cannot compare to the gaping cavern that was in mine.
I loved with my whole heart.  I felt too much.  I gave too much.  As a result, I hurt too much.  You cannot imagine greeting each day with fear.  Not knowing if you will be able to get out of bed.  Sometimes, it took me hours just to convince myself to shower.  I literally sat there talking to myself, trying to decide if standing under some cleansing water would be in my best interest.  Most of the time, I decided it wasn't and went back to bed.  The only really safe place in the world for me, besides my mother's arms, was my bed.  I snuggled under my covers to read and to dream.  There were no questions, no pitiful looks, no uh-oh there she goes again phrases.  No one told me to snap out of it, or get it together and no mirrors.
Believe me, if you thought I looked bad sometimes, you cannot imagine how I felt about myself.  I loathed myself.  To me, there was no one uglier, disfigured or more horrible to look at than me.  Sure, I could look normal, but on the inside there was a grotesque figure of a woman that deserved to be killed.
I ask that someone look after my mom.  She has been through too much with me.  She won't understand that this was necessary.  I was such a heavy burden.  She will miss me the most I think.  As for the rest of you, I ask you to keep your pity.  There was nothing you could have done.  I had once pulled suicide off the table.  But, this time it was the only option.  My heart was in so many pieces trampled on the ground, that no one could have put them back together.  So, with that, I say that I am sorry.  I'm sorry I left my family behind to deal with my mess.  I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way.  Maybe, I just wasn't supposed to be here in the first place.  Please do not be angry with me.
Just be happy for me.  The nightmare is finally over.  The demons said "come" and I went.  I couldn't fight anymore.  I've been fighting all my life.  It was time.  The deed is done.  Peace be with you all.  I loved you all more than you know.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Ramblings of a Crazy Girl

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  Do I tell him how I really feel? I suppose I should, but I don't want to go to the hospital.  You see, for the past 2 days I have been contemplating suicide.  I have been writing letters in my head and figuring out the best way to do it.  That, my friends, is a one way ticket to at least a 7 day stay in the local psychiatric facility.
I am all despair.  I have homework to do and can't seem to get my thoughts together.  I am having problems concentrating again.  I have an assignment due tomorrow night, but don't think I will make it to class.  The world has become a scary place.  Birds singing sounds like fingernails scraping a blackboard.  The TV gets on my nerves as well.  I can barely read in my bible, the concepts too hard to comprehend, even though I have a study bible.
I bought some string lights from Target, so I don't have to sleep with the lamp on all night.  It gives the right balance of darkness and light to my room. so I can sleep well.  I still wake up tired though, the dread of a day's activity falling over me like a cloak.
I can't talk to anyone without crying.  So, tomorrow's doctor visit should be fun.  The only thing keeping me going is my anticipated trip to my father in December.  I really need him now, but that is not possible unless I drop out of the semester. which I can't do.
There is a virus of fear eating me on the inside, and I don't know what to do.  So, I stay in my room, only coming out to go to the bathroom, eat and smoke.  I can go out onto the porch.  It is screened in, so it is still within my living space.  If I go outside the apartment, I feel eyes on me.
I wish I could laugh again.  I haven't laughed in a long time.  I feel like I am disappearing.  All that is left is a sack of depression.  I pray all the time.  I wonder if God ever gets tired of hearing from me.  I told him my name and address last night, just in case he forgot me.  Yesterday being a big day and all.  Mother Theresa became a saint, so maybe heaven has been busy getting ready.
I have to go now.  I need to go to the bathroom.  I didn't want to say anything important, sorry if I bothered you.  I know you have more important things to do than than read the rambling thoughts of some crazy girl.  Thanks for your time.  Peace, Joy, Love - B