Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Downward Spiral

 

As much as I am fighting it, I am in a downward spiral. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't do much of anything without an incredible effort. Work has been one long struggle to get through each second of everyday. I feel like I am losing touch with reality. But then again, my reality is nothing I want to hold onto. 

My mind wanders to the depths of despair. Today, I worked for 40 minutes, and then called out. I went for a long drive. I stopped and bought some cheap cigarettes. After not smoking for over a year, it seemed like the sensible thing to do. I think if I didn't have them today, I would have fallen completely apart. I even thought of suicide. It wasn't just a fleeting thought today. It was a solid real thought. Death has become an option. 

I've been thinking of the next 20 years, and my future doesn't look good. I got a new diagnosis from the rheumatologist I saw last week. Instead of sarcoidosis, she found that I my blood work is positive for another autoimmune disease; primary biliary cholangitis. It's a disease in which my body is producing antibodies that are attacking my bile ducts, eventually destroying them. This in turn means that my liver cannot release bile into my bloodstream and allows for the build up of toxins. There is no cure. Eventually, I will go into liver failure and die. 

There is treatment. There are a couple of drugs on the market. However, from what I can tell, the drugs work in the gallbladder. I do not have a gallbladder. In worse cases, a transplant it warranted, but since I have diabetes, I may not be a good candidate for a transplant. So, I don't see much of a future. 

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I have 2 cat scans on Friday. One with contrast and one without contrast. She wanted to get pictures of my upper body and soft tissues of my chest and neck, because my lymph nodes in my neck and armpits are always swollen. I'm so tired. Fatigue is a major symptom, and apparently people with liver disease don't sleep much. 

In the meantime, I feel very alone. I stopped talking to Caton or whoever he is. I think he was a romance scammer after all. I told him I was sick, and that's why I haven't written in a few days. I wrote to him on Saturday, and didn't hear from him. Anyway, I deleted the app from my phone. At any rate, if he was who he said he was, he would have moved heaven and earth to contact me. So, much for my latest attempts at love. 

I've pretty much decided that I am just going to be a sick old lady without any prospects. I suppose I should try to think positively, but I keep thinking about grandmom, Aunt Berta and mom. All of them had liver cancer or something wrong with their livers. I guess I'm just following the family line. I figured at best, I had 20 years or so left. But it doesn't look like it at this point. I guess I could just give up. 

I am not a hopeful person. I guess I never was. It's time to stop kidding myself. I'm tired.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Tis the Season

 

I'm afraid I've reached the end of my tether. I go from being angry to caring about nothing. I've been yelling at the animals for no reason. I'm tired all the fucking time. It's that time. It's autumn. 

I like fall, I really do. The air is cool and crisp. There's a light breeze. I also dread it. I get depressed in the fall. It's seasonal affective disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it, but I know enough to know that the dark skies in the morning have a negative affect on me. I want to hibernate like some kind of bear. 

I cocoon myself at night, wrapped in fuzzy blankets and blotting out the light in the bedroom. My bed becomes my cave and I long to be cozy. However, I don't like waking up in the dark. It's hard to get started. I usually can't do too much in the morning during fall and winter. I wake up tired and want nothing more than to go back to bed. 

I become irritable and quick to temper. Lately, I've also had some paranoia. I keep thinking that people are talking about me. What people, I don't know. It's not like I know anybody. It's just the 3 of us. April and Erica still have their side conversations without me. When they do that, I feel angry, and I curse them in my mind. I know it's irrational because I didn't feel this way in the spring or summer time. I was pretty much upbeat all summer. Now, everything seems to get on my nerves. 

I started to talking to a guy on line, but have ignored him for about a week. I just don't care. I got tired of trying to be okay with the fact that I never talk to him on the phone. The more I thought about the more my mind convinced me he was some kind of romance scammer. I've made it a point of telling him that I am poor. I texted him today that I've been in the hospital that's why he hadn't heard from me. Quite frankly, I've compartmentalized him into a part of my mind for absurdities. I want a guy who is real and close by. Then again, I don't think I want to be with anyone at all. 

I'm 60 years old for God's sake. Entirely too old to play games. If you want me, here I am. I'm not chasing you. Actually, I don't mind being a spinster. I'll just get another cat and call it a life. I filled out a mortgage application. I don't know why. I don't know if I really want a house. I like the idea of owning a house, but who wants to deal with repairs and taxes. There's a lot that goes into the upkeep of a house. I don't even have the energy to paint one, let alone fix something. I suppose I'll buy a house if I ever win the lottery. That's the only way it will happen. 

God, I wish we could open the windows. It's so stuffy in here. I'm hot. I also want another cigarette. Yes, I started smoking again. Only 3-5 cigarettes a day. It helps me concentrate. It also relieves my anxiety. I'm anxious about school. My classes are okay. History is more interesting than my English class. She has us reading some dumb shit that's supposed to be funny or at least humorous. The stories are NOT funny to me. I think my humor is different than most people. It takes a lot to make me laugh. I chuckle from time to time, but mostly I just don't get it. As a result I'm only getting a C, and the thing is, I really don't care. I'm taking classes next semester and in the summer, but I hope that's the end of my core requirements. The state of Georgia forces you to take American history courses. Somethings have been really interesting. Mostly all it's done is make me dislike the settlers of the Americas a great deal. They came over here thinking they had the right to the land and the fortunes. The nearly destroyed the indigenous peoples that were here, hijacked there land and corrupted their cultures. 

I can see why conservatives are against teaching about race. The out and out criminal way they treated Africans with the Atlantic Slave trade was nothing less than an abomination. Africans were literally stolen people. How they can deny it is beyond me. 

I'm depressed. There, I said it. I want to go to bed. However, I keep trying to do productive things. I have it in my head that I at least have to try to live. Soon the holidays will be here. Unless, I plan carefully, there won't be any money for Christmas. I don't know what to get anyone anyway. Tis the season motherfuckers. Happy whatever. 

B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Little Talk with Jesus

 

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed it be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, Amen. 

Dear Lord, 

First I want to thank you for waking me up this morning, even though I was awaken by a four-legged black and white fur ball at 5: 45 AM. I was having a nightmare anyway, so I can't say I really mind. I'm having trouble sleeping this week. I'm very tense. As a result I've been smoking again. I only smoke 3 a day, but still, it's not a good thing. I'm asking You to take this stress from my heart and restore my joy in everyday things. 

I ask that you heal my body and spirit. I feel a little far from you this week. I was good for a few days. I went to Mass last Saturday morning. I felt refreshed and renewed. Then I did my budget for the next 2 weeks. I became tense and down-trodden. I don't know what to do, Lord. I need a financial blessing. I have been praying for a promotion to level 2 advocate. I have been told that I'm going to get it, but that was back in August. Still, I have not been enrolled in training classes, even though we have a new hire class going on right now. 

I ask that you look after my family. Heal my sister from her Parkinson's disease. Help Erica with her stress at work. Give her a glad heart and heal her soul. I ask that you give my brother a glad heart. I would love to see him sometime soon. Please give him some time off from work to come down for a visit. I ask that you bless him for his continued generosity towards me. He has bailed me out so many times. 

I ask you for guidance. Please lead me on the path of a life that glorifies you. Help me to be more like you. Let me approach everything I do with the love of Jesus in my heart. I thank You for letting me keep my job. I don't deserve the grace they have given me. 

Lord, I feel like everyday is a new struggle, and not just a chance to get closer to you. I pray that you continue to give me the strength to deal with each call as a compassionate person. Sometimes, I feel that I am flying by the seat of my pants. Help me be confident and do everything with kindness and empathy. 

I give all the glory to you Lord. I ask that you continue to bless me and all of my family and friends. Look after us, shine Your light upon all of us, and lead us in the direction of righteousness. Let us walk with the Lord in our hearts, and do all things through Christ. 

You are a deliverer, a healer, a strong fortress, a friend, a heavy load bearer, and confidant. I praise you, Lord, now and forever. I ask all things in Jesus holy name. Amen. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Bebe

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Tired of Being

 

I am sick. I don't feel well. I went to the dentist yesterday for a simple root canal. The dentist had trouble drilling out one of my roots. Anyway, it hurt. It hurt a lot. It also triggered an autoimmune response. I got a fever on 101, and my whole body hurt. I was supposed to work yesterday, and I was prepared to work, but I couldn't. I was in pain. So I called out. Mistake #1. I woke up very dizzy today, and had blood coming from my left ear. I was very dizzy and confused. I could barely speak I was so tired. So, I called out again. Mistake #2. I called the doctor and made an appointment for today. Mistake #3. Why was that a mistake, because the doctor didn't see anything, that's why. No blood, no infection, no problem with my ear. I am now sitting here questioning my sanity and seriously considering my life and where it is going. 

I am sick, but no one seems to believe me when I don't feel well. Not my family, not the doctors no one. Ok, maybe my gastroenterologist believes me as she is the one that diagnosed the sarcoidosis. But no one else. Whenever I see any other doctor, they do bloodwork and say they see nothing wrong. They make me feel like I am making it up when I say I don't feel right. I don't feel well most days, but I convince myself to just go through with the day anyway, even though I really just want to go to bed and sleep for a long time. 

I've been faking it for quite a while now. No one seems to care or notice. I don't know why I seem to care. My sister has never been one to notice if I am sick. She always looks at me and says in a very discouraging tone, what's the matter with you? As if that's going to make me open up and tell her what's wrong. If I tell her I don't know, I get the look. The look that's just saying get it together. No one seems to appreciate the fact that I just get tired of living sometimes. Like now. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of putting on the happy face and the bright tone at work. I would like to have a job where I just didn't have to interact with people. But, I suppose everyone has to interact sometimes. 

When I try to explain what I mean to my family, they are just like, everyone is tired. Everyone feels the same way, but you just have to do it. What if I don't want to just do it? What if I just want to lay down for a while? What if I just drive off into the sun one day and tell you all to go fuck yourselves? What if I do that? Then what will you fucking do? Who you going to blame for all of your problems then if I'm not here to be my old unreliable self? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!! 

Right now, I hate you all and I don't care if you know it. I'm tired and I'm sick. I'm not crazy either. It isn't all in my mind. I've never felt clearer. I'm just tired of being. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Time Moves on

 

Today moved very slowly. But, I had a startling thought today. I have been waiting my whole life. Waiting for what? I don't know, but I always figured I had enough time to figure it out and go for it. Well, it occurred to me today on my fifth trip to the bathroom that I am running out of time. I suppose I should say yesterday, since it's almost 3 am. Today is the 3rd of October. It's eight weeks until Thanksgiving. It may seem far away, but it seems like yesterday that I had my 60th birthday. 

Time is passing me by quickly. What have I been waiting for? I've been waiting for a romantic love. I've never truly been in love despite my attempts at it. Therefore, I've never had a long term relationship. I've been waiting for a family of my own. That's not going to happen because of the cruel biological joke on women called menopause. So, I have cat. She loves me in spite of myself. I love her madly. I've been trying to get my bachelors degree. I haven't been too stagnant about that. I am back in school for the last time. I'm waiting to do things until I have enough money, but unless I am doused with money, that's going to be a long wait. I have so many dreams, like being an actress, but I need money to start. I know I'd be great at it. But, I need help. I've tried to ask Erica, but every time I ask her a question she gets this look on her face that tells me that I am bothering her. 

I was supposed to be going to Italy this year. I made plans for it on my 55th birthday. I am still trying to get out of the state of Georgia. It will cost about $1500 and I currently have $0.57 in my savings account. I owe about $4500 in bills. Every month's rent is a question mark about paying on time. The rest of the bills are kind of pay as I have it. I do have housing instability. 2 paychecks missed and I'm on the street, well maybe a hotel, but still no permanent address. I'm due for my raise soon. It's an additional $500 per month. Maybe I can finally catch up to things. Hopefully, I will. 

The cats go to the vet on Saturday, so I have that to deal with, maybe it won't cost as much as I fear. I do have finally approval on what things are done. Zaybra has a new food, Smalls. It really help clear up her skin. She doesn't scratch as much and her poops are not toxic. The food is expensive, but it's worth it. Zelda doesn't like it. So, she has her own food, Nulo. Kyber is the only one that's not finicky. Don't get me wrong, his food is expensive too. He needs more kibble. All three of them need to get a job. 

Soon, the holidays will be upon us. I'm hoping to get some rest on my days off. I use up my PTO as fast as I earn it. There are some people at work that have 3 weeks accrued. How they can show up everyday is beyond me. I've never been able to do it. Not in my whole life. I've always taken time off at least once or twice a month, even in high school. I keep telling people I was meant to be a housewife. 

I like to think I'm independent. Maybe I was once, but I don't want to be independent. I want to be a dependent. I want someone to claim me on their taxes and expect a clean home, a pretty wife and a hot dinner ready when he comes home. I can do that. I'd be great at that. In the mean while, time waits for no one. I've got maybe 20 years before I croak. I guess I better start living and stop waiting. Before you know it the parade will have passed by and I'll be standing on the corner looking stupid. 

Peace - B