Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Everybody's Talkin' at Me

 

Seems everybody wants me to prove something lately. I have to prove to the government that I'm still crazy. I also have to prove that I can't afford to pay back Social Security the thousands that they say they overpaid me. I have to prove to the student loan people that I'm able to go back to school part-time. I have to prove to the apartment people that Kyber and Zelda are emotional support animals. Most of all I have to prove to myself that I can do this and remain focused. 

I'm always having to prove something to someone. Why does one have to keep proving disability for a mental illness? It's not like I'm going to be cured. I mean, bipolar sleeps sometimes, and then one day, BAM! You're crying hysterically in the shower trying to justify to yourself that it's necessary to wash your body. It takes me no less than a half hour every single fucking day to convince myself to take a shower. I have to talk myself into brushing my teeth. There's no one here to convince me, I have to do it myself. After I'm done, I have to take a cat nap. 

It's the same with eating. I hate eating actually. I get hungry but I hate eating. I hate cooking because by the time I finish, I don't want whatever it is I was cooking. It takes at least a half hour to decide I'm going to eat, and longer still if I am trying to eat something healthy. I think the only thing I do automatically is make my bed. I conditioned myself to make my bed as soon as I get up to prevent getting back in the bed and writing off the day as a major mistake. So, I do it. 

Everything is a chore lately. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm not depressed, but I'm lying. The truth is I'm tired. I'm tired of tryin. I'm tired of praying. I don't want to be an adult anymore. I just want to sleep late, drink coffee and go shopping. Why is that so wrong? Whose idea was this adult thing anyway? Why do we have to grow up and get jobs? Why is that the goal? Who invented society and why does society get to dictate who and what I am? 

There was a time in history when people like me would go away for a while to a nice place where they could rest away from the hustle and bustle that is life. We suffer from melancholia. I could use a place like that now. I talk to a therapist everyday, I'd take walks by a lake and rest on a lounge chair under a tree. Why can't I do that? Why does every Sunday night find me in front of my laptop typing away my anxieties about facing another day and week at a job I can't stand. When will things change? 

I have important decisions to make. People are looking at me and calling me asking for answers. I don't have any answers. I can't think that far ahead anymore. It hurts when I do. I just wish everyone would leave me alone. Stop talking, and pressuring and asking. The truth is I don't know. I don't know what, when or why. So, please stop talking at me. One day I hope to retreat into the fantasies in my mind where everything is quiet, and cool. Just a slight breeze, fragrance in the air and me by a tree next to a lake.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Queen of Pain

 

Well, another sleepless night. I woke up in severe pain this morning. My back spasms have gotten worse and I am experiencing the most pain I have ever had. It's centered in my thoracic spine. Somehow I managed to make it through my work day. I was popping Tylenol and had a heating pad for a while. I was in the bathroom when I found the lidocaine patches. I put one of those on and survived the day. It hurts to move in any way. I can sit in the chair with a firm pillow behind me. I dug out my old back brace to give me some support. It's helping a little bit. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide if I should talk to Dr. Ayer or seek the counsel of a new doctor who also specializes in pain management. I'm leaning towards calling the new doctor. She's here in Johns Creek and is supposed to be very good. Plus, she's black, which means I may not be dismissed as just another female with pain. Of course a new doctor means new x-rays and perhaps another MRI, but I don't care. The pain is quickly becoming unbearable. I can see why some people get so desperate. While suicide has not crossed my mind, I can understand why people do it. 

I have always told myself that I wouldn't take narcotics over a long period for fear of addiction, but things are at the point now where I may consider it. The lack of sleep and agonizing pain is getting to me. It hurts to walk. Every step jars my spine in such a way as to cause sharp pains in my back. I'm not sure of what to do. I hope that I don't get shuffled off for more physical therapy. The pain is so bad that I am seriously considering more surgery. I wish there was such a thing as a spine transplant. 

As look back, I have been in chronic pain since 2012. That's 13 years of sometimes crippling pain. I'm tired. I get at most 4 hour of sleep a night. It's taking a toll on my mental state. I'm currently dealing with April's illness, and money stress, work stress and this constant soul crushing pain. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to be the queen of pain. I don't have time for this shit. School starts in 3 weeks. I have to be ready. I want my degree. 

Oh well, I guess that's all for now. I'm just here, plugged in and listening to my music. Right now that's Annie Lennox radio on Pandora. It's a good mix. It's stimulating and relaxing at the same time. Poor Zelda has been up with me all night. She's napping next to my computer. She really wants to be on my chest or my lap, but even her 12 pounds is too heavy for me. I've had to shove her off of me several times tonight. I'm so sorry Pud Pud. Hopefully, I'll feel better in a few hours. Time for more Tylenol. 

Peace - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Good Girl

 

My sister has been sick this weekend. I automatically kicked in with my old trauma response. This house is clean. All the laundry has been done. All the dishes have been washed, and the bathroom is sanitized. While I know this doesn't sound that unusual for me, the sense of urgency that these tasks have been completed is out of the ordinary. I am cleaning purely out of anxiety. I started having flashbacks.

When I was growing up, my mom was sick a lot. She had depressive episodes, and psychotic episodes quite often during my childhood. When I was little, I did my best to be a good girl and stay out of the way. When I got older, I cleaned the house, did laundry and did my very best is school. I was driven to be a very good girl and keep everything in order. It was the only way I could manage my anxiety. I figured that if everything was neat and tidy on the outside, it would help my mother maintain herself on the inside. Of course, things didn't work out that way, but what is a kid supposed to do when she's not even sure what the problem is? 

I think if we had been told, well, make that if I had been told that my mom had a mental illness I would have been better able to handle the chaos going on around me. I'm sure I would have looked up schizophrenia in the library and learned what to expect. It would have helped me recognize that her illness was not because of me, but a chemical imbalance in her brain and her symptoms were the result of those chemicals being out of whack. Instead, I was left on my own to try and figure out what was going on, and like most children, I thought that what was happening with my mother was my fault. I thought she didn't like me. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough or good enough. So, I went out of my way to be good, and quiet, and neat. 

Well, since my sister got sick a month or so ago, these feelings have been coming back. I have to keep the apartment clean and orderly in order to keep the chaos in my head in check. If the house  is messy, then I can't function. Things being out of place leave me discombobulated. My anxiety rises to the level of panic, then I completely fall apart. I had been managing okay for quite a while, but now all those old fears are bubbling up again. What if April gets really sick? What if she becomes disabled or worse, what if she dies? What will I do? Who will look out for me? Who will help Erica and Sean deal with the loss of their mom? I can't do it. I won't be able to. I barely made it through when my parent died. 

So, here I am again. The little girl inside woke up from her slumber and is feeling lost and abandoned once more. The only way to calm her down is to put everything away, and make sure everything is clean and organized. I guess this is something I should speak to my therapist about now that it is apparent that's what's going on. I'm so tired and my body aches. NO amount of Tylenol is helping. I'm in chronic pain. My sister will be 65 on the 30th. I hope she is well by then. I think I'll go sit in the care and cry for a while. I can't let anyone know that I am upset, it will make them upset. I must keep it together in front of others. I must be a good girl. 

Peace- BB 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Am I a Good Neighbor?

 

Today is Sunday, I was having back spasms last night, so I slept on the couch again. I have not spent a single night in my bed all week. In any event, I woke up early. Zelda was on my chest, and the Lord smacked me on the head and said get up and go to early mass. So, I did. I fed Zaybra, got dress and off to church I went. 

I had my breakfast and coffee so I was awake this morning. Today's homily was about being a good neighbor. Today's reading was from Luke chapter 10: 25-37, The parable of the Good Samaritan. All that God wants us to do is love him with all our hearts and minds and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Some people ask "Who is my neighbor?" Well, to my way of thinking my neighbor is anyone I should happen to come across or speak to during the course of a day. That includes everyone. All of mankind is my neighbor. I am to love all people as myself. That's simple enough to follow. 

However, some people make it very difficult to love them. There are some people in this world I would not miss or bat an eyelash if they were to suddenly keel over dead. That's not a kind way to think, I know, but it is true. Additionally, the world is so chaotic and so cruel, that most people mind their own business. This results in people not coming to the aid of their countrymen. This is especially true of the homeless. So many are on the streets, and they are avoided as if they have some dreaded disease. Which in a sense they do. The have the disease of poverty which strikes fear in the hearts of most people. I know I should help, but it is fear that keeps me away. I know this is fear, because it is one of my greatest fears. I am but 2 paychecks away from the street. I could live in my car I guess. But there it is. Instead of showing compassion and thinking there but for the grace of God go I; I walk right by avoiding eye contact. That is my sin. 

I do help my neighbor when I can. I rarely have any money, but I try to help. I've given blood, platelets, donated to a few charities. However, when it comes to giving myself in person, I am lacking. I keep trying to find something to do, but I just don't put forth much effort. So, I guess in some respects I am a good neighbor, but I could really do better. I have to schedule another platelet donation, and find somewhere to volunteer my time. 

Deacon John closed his homily with the theme from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you please be my neighbor? It struck me that Mr. Rogers was truly talking about the good Samaritan. He's asking us all to be good neighbors, to look to each other with compassion and love. So, will you please be my neighbor? 

Peace, Joy, Love- BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: New Chapter

 

They say that your life is like a novel. Each phase is a chapter of your life. So, if that's true, the gothic novel that is my life is entering a new phase. I am going back to school. I know I have said this before, and I have gone back to school on a few occasions. However, this time I did not go with the intent of starting a new career or learning something totally different. This time I decided to pursue a degree that actually means something to me and I'm good at it. 

I will be attending Georgia Southern University starting on August 13th. I am seeking my bachelor degree in English believe it or not. Why English? Well, for one thing, it is a lost language to my way of thinking. To hear people speak nowadays is horrifying. The lack of basic grammar and pronunciation is astounding. Vocabulary is staggeringly absent. If you ask most people what a synonym is, they will say it is a sticky bun. It's astonishing. 

But it is not only my love for proper English, which I admit I don't always use, that calls me in this direction. I love to write. I love putting my words together in a cohesive manner that stimulates the imagination. I love making my stories sound lyrical and intriguing. I am an English nerd. I owe it all to my high school English teachers, Diane Fimiano, Barbara Speece, and Dr. Betty Falkensten. Those three ladies opened up my mind and spirit to embrace a nicely constructed sentence, and the obscure vocabulary word. However, I can't go without acknowledging my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Robinson who introduced me to the Chronicles of Narnia. Blew my mind!! We had a story hour then, and she would select a book to read to us. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is the first book that ever set my mind on fire. I was ignited to a love of reading. I would spend hours in the library reading the synopses of books to see if they stimulated the colors of my imagination. If they did, I would check them out and take them home for a week of reading. Some were classics and award winners. Others were just novels that captured my interest. I would take out 5 or 6 books a week. 

As I grew older, I still spent time at the library. I would sit and read a chapter before checking the book out. I don't know what reading level I had, but it was pretty high. I read young adult, adult and like I said some classics. I never made a list of the books that I wanted to read. I just started at the beginning of the alphabet in the fiction section an worked my way through until I found my 6 books and took them home. 

This continued until the bipolar got the better of me. It ruined concentration and comprehension for me for quite a while, and sometimes I still struggle. I don't go to the library anymore. It got to be too overwhelming. But lately, with school on the horizon, my interest in reading has risen once again. '

I have 2 classes this semester, English 2100, and History 2110. We'll be reading some classics in my English class and writing essays, etc. I'm looking forward to it. It may actually be fun. Plus I will have something to do in my spare time. I should graduate in about a year. I think so, anyway. I'll need to check my schedule.  In the meantime it's back to the old grind at Delta. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Nice Date, No Sparks

 

So, I finally had a date. I had been talking to a new guy named Robert. We talked on the phone a few times and he made me laugh. We made arrangements to meet at the Barnes & Noble around halfway between our 2 houses. We each drove around 35 minutes to Cumberland. I had never been there before so I was kind of nervous, but I figured I'd look around for a book, and maybe we could go to the cafe and talk. 

Well, I got dressed, and smelled good. Put some makeup on, and took the time to look cute. Him, not so much. He looked like he had just got finished cutting his grass, which I think he did. For some reason, he dropped his car off at the repair shop to get new tires and alignment. He walked to the bookstore in 93 degree heats, so he smelled a little sweaty. He had on loose gray Bermuda shorts, and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. There was no effort to look nice. He kind of looked like he was running errands and stop off to meet me while he was getting his car repaired. Needless to say, I was not impressed. I was so hopeful. Because I am a nice woman, I spent a few hours with him. I did get a book at the store, and then drove us over to the food court at the mall across the street. We got lunch and talked. He's nice and very funny, but he talks fast and a LOT. I didn't get a chance to talk much, not that I had a lot to say. Anyway, while he was talking, I noticed he was missing a front tooth!!!! Strike 2!! After lunch, we walked around the mall and talked some more. It was okay. I was not my outgoing friendly self. There weren't any sparks, no chemistry. It's like we've been married for 40 years and we go to the mall. 

Anyway, he walked me to my car and we said good bye. I called to let him know I got home okay and he was still waiting for his car. He said he'd call when he got home, but he never did. I thought about calling him, but I decided I am the one who should be pursued, so I didn't. I haven't heard from him today. I can't say I'm sorry. I got more satisfaction cleaning the bathroom today. I am now doing laundry. I was thinking about things while I was at the Walmart. I don't think I'll see him again as I didn't feel anything. I don't think he did either. I would just be going out with him to date someone, and I'd rather not. So, back to the dating site. I got a message from some guy named Sergio, but I had to block him because he came across as a dating scammer with his rush to romantic talk. I've played that game before so no thanks. 

There were a couple of other guys I messaged that I may talk to again. I'll have to take another look. I think I might try a white guy. More chance of romance. Seems most of the black guys are too sexual and predatory. I just want a nice date somewhere. Robert could have taken me to see Jurassic Park, but he saw it with his brother!!!!! What a boob. Anyway, on to the next guy. At least I got lunch. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Monster Within

 

Okay, so things fell apart for me today. It actually started last week, when I was having a hard time at work. I have said often that I don't like my job. Then with April being home sick for a week, I was quite upset on the inside. I started thinking all sorts of things. Now that she's being evaluated for Parkinson's disease, things got dark very quickly. 

My mind basically took off on a tangent of negative thoughts and patterns. Needless to say, the sleeping monster, bipolar, woke up with a very bad attitude. This wasn't a case of the blues. Today disintegrated into full blown hysterics. I couldn't breathe, had palpitations, a screaming headache, and diarrhea. I cried miserably for an hour. 

I even thought of harming myself. I thought maybe if I cut, it would make sense of all the chaos in my head. I flirted briefly with taking an overdose. However, those thoughts were swiftly cut down by the thought of going inpatient. I vowed that I would never go inpatient again. The only way I'm going in the hospital is if it's for a medical problem. My days of inpatient mental stays is done. I call my therapist and my psychiatrist. I talked to my therapist a little while ago. Fortunately, she was able to talk me off the ledge. She reminded me that the things I'm going through are mere distractions that are causing me to lose sight of my goals. I've been through these feelings before, and I have the artillery to fight back, so that's what I'm going to do. First thing she had me do is list my distractions. Then she had me come up with 2 positive things. 

1. David ghosted me. While I wasn't in love or fully invested, it hurt my feelings more than I was willing to admit.  

    A. I did have a relationship that would have broken my heart

    B. I'm talking to someone else, and may have a date this weekend. 

2. My sister's health. 

    A. I still have my sister

    B. I can spend more time with her

3. I don't like my job

    A. I have a well-paying job

    B. I have fabulous benefits

4. My own health is declining

    A. I'm not bed-ridden

    B. I have scheduled my wellness screenings this month

All these distractions have pulled my focus away from the things that really matter. I'm going back to school next month as an English major. I will use my degree to climb out this rut I am. I will get a better job with higher pay. Whether it be with Delta or somewhere else. Also, I need to keep pushing to stay positive and on point because I am a boss lady. I also need to get myself together to date effectively. I may have plans with a guy named Robert. He made me laugh this morning. That's a big plus for him. I will not be offering too much information. I will not have sex right away. I'm like a kitten. I will be cautious in my approach until I know someone better. I still have my 4/4/26 folder. I'm just manifesting a different vision. 

I do feel better now. I think I may actually have a good day tomorrow. I'm getting Invisalign. Also, getting a bridge as implants give me the willies. So, better health to me. 

Peace- BB