Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. She would have been 83 years old.
This year her birthday hit me really hard. My heart feels like it’s in a
thousand pieces. It’s weird because last year I was fine. The worst thing
about grief is that it’s always there and can strike out of the blue no matter
how long it’s been.
I’ve been home from work for the past 2 days sleeping and crying.
Today, I made sure I got some protein in me and some carbs on board and
went on a long walk. I checked my pedometer when I got home and it turns
out I walk 2 miles. It felt pretty good. My anxiety went down a bit. My chest
isn’t tight anymore. Yesterday, I was thinking of going to the hospital, but I
knew it was just a panic attack.
I got a new-to-me car. It’s an indigo blue 2010 Nissan Rogue. It’s gotta power sunroof, leather seats, seat warmers, and a Bose stereo system. The only thing it doesn’t have is Sirius XM. But that’s okay. My niece told me what to get so I can get the music from my iPhone to play in my car. Right now, I’m bouncing between 4 stations on the radio. None of them are very good, but I have to have music in the car.
My brother bought it for me. The Camaro payments were kicking my butt,
and I fell behind. So, I’m doing a voluntary repossession. It will hit my
credit, but my credit already sucks because of my illness and falling behind
on everything. I finally have a budget as my brother, Jerald, demanded I
put a budget together. I am paying him back for the car. If I can just
manage my thoughts as well. I’m having intrusive thoughts again. I think I
hate my job. The mornings aren’t so bad, but by the afternoon, I really
couldn’t care less. Of course, in my present state of mind, I don’t know how
accurate my feelings are. Having bipolar is such a pain in the ass. When I’m in
a good mood, I have to question if it’s mania, and when I feel sad I analyze
it to death. I never know if I’m feeling real feelings or is my mind playing
tricks on me?
My therapists over the years have given me plenty of tools to help me
manage my feelings, but when I’m experiencing something, I’m not really in
the frame of mind to help myself. That’s why most of the time I either sleep
or become a super housekeeper. The past 2 days, I haven’t cared if the
house is messy.
I am putting myself on a diet, so to speak. I need to lose 20-25 pounds and
start eating healthy foods again. I’ve been snacking a lot,
especially on candy. I’ve been craving it like crazy. My glucose has been
under control, in fact it’s dropped below 70 several times. I have to send a
message to my endocrinologist. I see my regular doctor on Saturday. I’m out
of some of my meds, and need to have blood work done.
I'm thinking of making scones this weekend. One of my pen pals, who is a
cook, sent it to me. I wonder if you can make scones with almond flour.
Now that Erica found out she is allergic to almost everything, I'm limited
in what I can bake. I would love to make mom's lemon meringue pie, but again,
what kind of crust to use. Maybe I can find a gluten free crust recipe.
My sister will be home soon and will give me the look of disdain she always
gives me when I'm depressed. She still doesn't get it. She will ask me if I
called my therapist. When in fact I called 988, the crisis line because I was
seriously thinking of taking some pills. Earlier today, when I was crying, my
mind kept telling me I was too tired to keep going through this, and I wanted
to be with my mom. So, I thought about my sleeping pills, my sedatives, etc.
I thought I could just take a bunch and fall asleep. but, I didn't and
boohooed all over the crisis person. I thought maybe I should go to the
hospital, but I can't afford to be out of work again, plus, I knew it was just
a momentary feeling.
Bipolar is an unending wave of feelings, some good, some bad, some
dangerous. I suppose the key is to stay aware of how I'm feeling. But quite
frankly, I don't want to keep track anymore. I am tired. But I suppose I
have no choice. If I want to stay alive, I need to keep my head above water.
Ugh!!
