Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Back to Reality

 

Tuesday 12:13 pm

Well, I was supposed to go back to work today. My leave was up on Monday, yesterday. But, there's still a delay with it. Seems I should have called the job on Friday to arrange for my return. They have to put me back on active status and then get me access to the systems. 

I don't want to go back to a regular job. I want to be a working actress. These past 3 months have given me a chance to flex my creative muscles. I'm not really sure how things will work out. I don't mind the job so much, it's just that I don't think I'm meant to work a regular 9-5. 

Saturday 12:32 pm 

Well, I'm still not back at work. I got a call from HR about some questions they had regarding special accommodations. I am supposed to go back at full capacity. The lady from HR said my supervisor would reach out to me regarding my start date, but so far I haven't heard anything. I really don't care at this point. The only problem is, I got my last disability check, so if I don't start working, I won't have any money coming in other than my social security money. 

I start my acting classes tomorrow. It's formal training, so it should be a lot of fun and a lot of knowledge I can pick up. I'm going to start searching for monologues to perform for my demo reel. I have one already that I did with Bruce that I think is particularly good. I like it and I'm good in it. 

The classes are $214 per month, which is a lot for me, but I don't care. I will pay it and I will do well. I've always been a good student. 

My episode of Will Trent is on next Tuesday. We have it set up to record, and will be watching. I hope none of my scenes are cut. I'm very excited about appearing on film. Since I've started acting, a lot of people have told me that I am very attractive. What a boost to my ego!!! As someone who spent most of her life thinking she was an ugly monster, it means a lot to hear that it's not the case. I'm finally believing that I am very pretty. 

I think the hardest part of going back to work is that I can't spend as much time with the animals that I used to do. Having cuddle time with Kyber and the Z-pack has become a very pleasant routine for me. It helps me relax during the day. Believe it or not, I really miss Ky when he's not around. I miss talking to him and taking him for his afternoon walks. He's back at doggy daycare now since his shots are now all up to date. Zelda will be very frustrated, since she has gotten used to having my attention. She won't understand that she not allowed up on my desk again. 

Tomorrow is also the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death. I think about her everyday, but not like I used to do. I mean, she's more like a fleeting thought now. I don't feel overwhelming sadness when I think of her. It's more like, oh well, she's not here anymore. I suppose that's not a good thing. I don't want to forget anything about her. I look a lot like her now that I'm getting older. That's especially true with my hair down and makeup on. 

I don't think I'll do anything particularly special tomorrow to commemorate the occasion. Since I have class tomorrow from 10 am to 1 pm, there's not a whole lot of time I can think about it. Plus, if the weather is warmer, I'm going to do some planting for our patio garden. I bought some tomato seeds and morning glory seeds. Erica bought some other seeds, so maybe we'll spend some time together in the sun. 

April has been home all week with a bad chest cold. She finally went to the doctor yesterday and they prescribed antibiotics. She supposed to go back to work on Monday. It was kind of weird having her here all week. It wasn't a bad thing, it's just that she doesn't stay home unless she's really sick. Not like me. I get a cough and sneeze, I'm not working. 

I had my annual exam at the gynecologist last week. Everything came out fine. I have my screening smashogram on the 29th of March. I hate getting mammograms. They hurt. If guys knew what we women have to go through, I think they'd be a little more sympathetic. 

Speaking of guys, Lawrence was supposed to call last week to set up a brunch date. He never called. He texted me the other day, but I didn't answer. I'm done. If you like me like you say you do, you should put forth more effort. While I appreciate the compliments, actions speak louder than words. Although affirmations are one of my love languages, so is physical touch. I can't and won't have a phone relationship. So, I've given up on dating for the 1000th time. If I meet someone, then great. If not, ok. 

I have to change my cartridge in my insulin pump, and get new tubing and figure out where I'm going to place it on my body. It's a great device, but kind of a pain in the ass to change the site every 3 days. Oh well, guess I better get to it. 

Peace, Joy, Love -B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Bull by the Horns

 

It's been a while. It's not like nothing is happening. Plenty of things are happening. I've just been too lazy to write. 

I'll be going back to work next week. I'm sort of looking forward to it. I've been out of work for 3 months now, and it's starting to get on my nerves. Plus, I need the money. I'm so behind on all my bills. My hospital bills have gone to collections. I still haven't paid off PNC from a year ago. Part of me is like, fuck it. But the other part of me feels guilty, so I'll be a good girl and pay them off. My car was close to being repossessed again. I really need to give up Shakira, but that car is just so cool, and no one around here has one. She's distinctive and I look damn good in her. Oh well. Common sense says to trade her in for a small SUV that takes regular gas. Shakira takes premium.

I've gotten a couple of acting jobs. The latest one being a background part in aa movie called "The Player". I play a juror in a capital murder trial. I got a lot of screen time. My episode of "Will Trent" will be on in 3 weeks. I'm very excited about that. I hope they didn't cut too much. I've signed with a talent agency called XXI Century Entertainment. I'm in their artist development program. At the end of it, I'll have a complete resume, head shots, and a professional demo reel. It's expensive, but I don't care. I really like acting. It let's me be creative, and I don't feel like I'm working. 

We almost got evicted. It's my fault as usual. Being in the hospital and out of work put a real strain on us. My short term disability on got approved last week. Now, I'm waiting on a benefit check of about $3400. I'll be able to pay rent again and catch-up on my bills. I also have to get my brakes done and new rear tires. The size of tires I need ain't cheap either. It's about $200 each. 

I was hoping to get my car worked on with my tax money, but surprise, surprise, the people at the IRS restructured the tax laws, so I'm only getting $217. I got $900+ last year. So, I'm getting a new chair for my desk so my back isn't screaming at me by the middle of the day. 

Speaking of my back, I'm in physical therapy. It was finally determined that the abdominal pains I'm having are radiating from my thoracic spine. So, I have degenerative disc disease and a bunch of bone spurs. I'm trying PT to alleviate the pain. I don't know what the next step is, injections I guess. While I'm on the subject for injections, I'm having another injection in my right foot. This time on the top. I've be having some debilitating pain when I walk sometimes, and x-rays reveal that the nerve on the top of my foot is rubbing up against a bone spur. I have a lot of bone spurs because my body produces excess bone. Anyway, the doctor said he could remove the bone spur, but chances are excellent that it will just grow back. 

I met a guy on Facebook a few weeks ago named Lawrence. He seems nice, but we haven't been able to get together yet. First, we played phone tag, then when I finally talked to him, we were going to meet for breakfast, blah blah. But, he decided to work that day. So, we planned on dinner yesterday. He was supposed to call Wednesday, nothing. He texted me on Thursday, saying to give him 15 minutes and he would call me. An hour and a half later, nothing. So, I got ready for bed. Then he calls at 10:15 pm. I missed his call. I tried to call back but he didn't pick up. Needless to say, no date. I'm not sure if I should try calling him again, or what. I'm not going to chase any man. I think it's pretty clear I'm interested, but this game is stupid. Oh, Well! 

I don't mind being alone, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to and hang out with once in a while. I want to be married by the time I'm 60 yrs old. Is that too much to ask. I suppose I'll try to contact him again and take the bull by the horns, so to speak. This is the last time. After that, bye!! 

That's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love. - B