The Pendulum has been swinging so much lately, that I don't know who I am from day to day. One day I am fine, the next even better. Then, then downward swing begins and I begin to lose myself. I can barely function and everything goes to shit.
Alas, that is the pitfall of having bipolar disorder. One day your Tigger, the next day Eeyore. How do I manage? There are those who manage without drugs. I am not one of those lucky few. However, a lot of them smoke pot regularly. I don't. I don't like marijuana. I know I could use edibles, but it really doesn't help in the long run. I'd have to be high all the time to battle my anxiety.
One of the things I find is helpful is if I establish a good routine. It helps keep me on track. I have goals for my day. It's all stupid shit that the healthy people take for granted. For instance, I didn't feel to great today, but I made myself make my bed. That, for me, is a goal. I only just washed my face and brushed my teeth and it's the middle of the afternoon. However, it still counts because I got it done. Does that sound pitiful?
Another thing I have to remember to do is eat. Yes, eat. When I get depressed or manic, I forget to eat. When I do eat, it's very little and not anything especially healthy. Why does this happen? I have no idea. It's a brain chemical thing I guess. Some hormones get turned on or off, others get activated. I know when I'm manic, I operate on pure adrenaline. There's nothing I can't do, at least that's the way it feels. I also can't sleep, concentrate and I spend money I don't have.
I was making lists of things to do everyday. I even wrote down things like wash hair, paint nails and pay bills. Again, these are all things healthy people do without prompting. But, I have to write them down or else it will go right out of my head.
I have to get back to making lists and setting daily goals. Since my ankle surgery, I haven't been able to get out of the house. My pretty little convertible sits out there waiting for me to start her up and go roaring down the highway. It'll be a few more weeks Shakira, then you and I will be back on the road. In the meantime, if want fresh air, I have to settle for the balcony.
Regularity or consistency is a luxury that is not afforded the bipolar mind. Our brains are constantly moving from one subject to another, often without a point or direction. We can fly as high as the sun and descend to the pits of the darkest sorrow sometimes in the same a day or hour.
It is a superpower to master consistency. I must admit, I haven't and I don't think I ever will. I've been battling bipolar disorder since I was diagnosed at age 22. I'm 56 now. That's a lot of therapy and a lot of drugs. I'm still trying to manage my triggers and the drug cocktails are only good for a while before the body kicks it out. I just had an adjustment in my meds this month. It's not taking affect yet. In the meantime, my mind is swinging back and forth.
- B
