I haven't posted in a while, and I have good reasons. Things have been crazy for the past 12 months. I had hoped after Aunt Berta's death, things would look up around here. However, I was greatly mistaken. Christmas was great. I got some great gifts and spent entirely too much money on everyone else. Without mom to buy for, I felt hard pressed to spend money on someone, so I bought a bunch of stuff for April and Erica.
I had wanted to spend the holidays with my father because I hadn't seen him in five years. I couldn't do that in 2020 because of the virus etc. But, I wanted to visit him in 2021. However, that was not to be. I talked to my father on Christmas day, he sounded a bit stuffy. He insisted that it was just a cold and he felt okay. By December 31, he was in the hospital having been diagnosed with COVID.
I had the pleasure of being the family member that the doctor talked to about my fathers case. I talked to her, Dr. Casement, three times. By the end of our conversations, I was informed my father had refused additional care, and that he was in fact going to die within hours.
We set up a Zoom call to talk to him one last time, and we did. He looked terrible, he was struggling with every breath. He told us that he would be fine and not to worry about him. He told us to go ahead and live our lives. He even made a joke, saying to cremate him and put his ashes on a shelf so he can keep an eye on me. We said our I love you's and good byes. On Wednesday January 6th at 3:50 am, my father died. I became an orphan.
So, I lost my mom in the beginning of 2020, and my father at the beginning of 2021. So far, this year is turning out to be as shitty as last year. How am I? I don't know. Most of the time, I can go about my business, but then other times I get the overwhelming desire to call him. I used to call him 2 or 3 times a week. Now, nothing. The only calls I get are from doctors and spam calls.
I got drunk last Sunday and freaked out completely. I cried hysterically, slammed doors and yelled at people. Needless to say, I got in trouble with April and Erica. But, I apologized the next day, and we are cool. I've been trying to find things to do not to think about things so much.
But, I ended up working on photo albums featuring my parents. I got new albums from Hobby Lobby and having been putting the pictures in them. I also took my dad's Air Force picture to get it matted and framed. I found my moms senior class picture and am having it done.
One reason I am trying so hard to stay busy is because I'm going through some health stuff. My right ankle is totally messed up. I have osteoarthritis, and much to my surprise, my achilles tendon has completely calcified. The surgeon said he will have to graft a cadaver tendon on my ankle. Also, I'm having nerve issues. I think I have diabetic neuropathy. But, the good news is that my A1c is low enough that I no longer need insulin. I just need my metformin for the next 3 months, and if it's still low, I may be able to stop diabetic meds all together.
I am still with Brad of a fashion. We did not see each other at Christmas. We spent the 23rd together. We also didn't spend New Year's eve together. Valentine's Day is approaching, and I doubt I'll see him. I'm not upset about it though. I figure we are just friends with benefits. If I do see him, then that will be a pleasant surprise.
So that's it for now. Life is sucky, and I'm trying to keep my head up. Staying positive is a challenge, but I just take it minute by minute. Right now, I'm okay. It's only the 25th day of the new year and I'm exhausted already. Happy Fucking New Year. I want my dad. - B
