A New Day Begins

Someone turned on the lights. I hear a voice calling my name.  Sleepily, I turned over and squinted into the light.  I couldn't see the face, but I heard the voice.  It was man.  "I need to test your glucose level, dear," he said.

"What time is it?", I muttered.

"It's 5:45 in the morning." was the reply.  I was a little perturbed at being awakened so early, but I stuck my hand out from under the blanket.  The was a small painful prick of my index finger and it was over.  At least, I thought it was.  No sooner than the nurse left, another person came into my room.  It was the phlebotomist, or as most patients call the, the vampires.  It seemed that the blood they took the night before showed elevated levels of something, so they needed to run more tests to evaluate my liver and kidney functions.

After she left, I was awake.  I looked around my room trying to take it all in.  My walls were beige, and the floor was a sickly gray color.  There was another bed in the room, but it was empty. All of my belongings were put into a closet.  I didn't have any of my toiletries. It was all at the front desk. I was overcome with a need to urinate.  The bathroom was beige, and the mirror above the sink was some kind of plastic bolted to the wall.  The shower curtain was connected to a tract on the ceiling.  Te shower itself seemed decent enough, although there weren't any shelves to put my things.

I put a hospital gown over my night shirt, and walked to the front desk,  I had to wait a few minutes because it was time for a shift change.  The daytime nurses and techs were going over last night's events.  One of the techs gestured in my direction.  I heard him tell the nurse that I wouldn't be any trouble.  When they finished talking one of the techs came up to me.  "What do you need, Miss Beverly?"  I told her I needed my soap, my toothbrush and toothpaste.

"May I also have a towel and washcloth?"  I said.  I hadn't bathed in over a week, and felt rather grimy.  She, Melanie was her name, got me my things and I said "Thank you."  I turned and noticed that some of the other patients were up.  I shuffled back to my room, closed the door and got undressed.

The shower was not hot, it was about body temperature.  But, the water felt good running down my back.  I washed up quickly and stepped into a puddle on the floor.  The shower curtain didn't keep the water in the stall like it was supposed to do.  I dried off, and put lotion on my body, which was covered in goose bumps.  I had to admit that I did feel a little more human.

I made my bed as I was supposed to do, and gathered up my wet towels and walked into the hall. This wasn't my first time here, so I remembered how things were done.  I found the bin for dirty linens and put my towels and washcloth inside.  I walked a little further down the hall to the common room.  One of the male techs said that breakfast would be up soon, and went up and down the hallways like the town crier announcing his news.

Breakfast consisted of scrambled eggs, bacon, oatmeal, orange juice and decaffeinated coffee.  The eggs were lukewarm, and the bacon was soggy from being in the steamer cart, but it wasn't awful.

I really missed my coffee.

After breakfast, we were allowed to go to the smoking room to have a cigarette.  The cigarettes were kept locked up, and you can only have 2 maximum.  If you didn't have your own, you might get lucky and get one from the community pack.  I packed mine, so I got 2 cigarettes and shuffled my way to the smoke room.  It was a dank little room where the walls were stained from the years of smoking/.

I didn't do any talking, I just looked down to the ground.  We had group therapy after this, so I would have to say something then.  I didn't want to talk to anyone about anything.  I just wanted to go back to bed.

A Day in the Life

It was the birds I noticed first.  Chirping, cheeping, chittering, an endless symphony of birdsong.  It was too loud.  As I struggled to lift my head from the pillow, I realized something.  I was conscious.  I was still alive. "Shit", I said to no one in particular.
Why was I awake?  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I took all my medications.  I should at least be in a coma, not lying in bed listening to the birds.  Those fucking, loud, obnoxious birds.  Now what was I supposed to do.  I got up and did the first thing I always do in the morning, I went to pee.
I checked the toilet bowl for blood, but didn't see anything.  My urine was it's normal hue.  Not even a little green.  Once I finished, I went back to my room.  It was about 10:30 AM.  That's a perfectly acceptable time to wake up if you have no place to go.  I was hungry, so I put my sweatpants on and meandered downstairs.
There she was at the kitchen table, going through the paper and drinking her coffee.  I supposed I should say something, but I didn't really know how to say it.  So, I just looked at her and blurted out "I think I should go to the hospital. I took all my pills last night".
I wasn't sure what to expect.  I mean how often does someone tell you that she tried to kill herself.  But my mom's face betrayed nothing. "Oh, Bev!" was all she said.  She hugged me and said "OK".
She fixed me something to eat, eggs I think. We didn't talk about it.  She didn't ask me why or anything.  I found that a bit odd, but I was kind of relieved.  I didn't feel like talking.  After I finished my breakfast, I went and threw some underwear, a pair of jeans, and some socks into a small suitcase.
We got to the hospital and I checked myself in.  I went into the emergency room exam room and waited for the nurse.  While I was waiting, it suddenly hit me.  What I was doing there and how it happened made me feel very tired all of a sudden.  Different people came in and out some to take blood, some to fill out paperwork.  The doctor was nice.  He was the one that asked me why.  I told him I wanted to die.  He asked my mom a couple of questions and patted me on the back.  He told me that he wanted to admit me as a psychiatric patient.  I agreed with that and so it goes.
The psych unit at the hospital was old and had paint the color of oatmeal.  I was in a wheelchair and an orderly was pushing it behind me.  We had to be buzzed in, because psych wards are always locked units.
I was wheeled past people of all kinds.  A lot of them were old people.  There were a couple of younger people, but what I noticed most of all, that I was the only black person there besides members of the staff.
I was checked into the unit. My picture was taken, I was body mapped, and a staff member went through my bag.  I kissed my mom goodbye, and she left.  I was shown to my room, and I immediately lay down on the bed and curled myself into a fetal position.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  They left me alone for the most part.  It was the weekend, and not much happens on the psych ward.  It wouldn't have made much difference to me if it was a weekday.  I lost track of days weeks ago.  Someone came and got me for dinner.  It was bland, high carb with little to recommend it.  I just picked at it, but I did like the fruit cup.