Overdrawn...again

I'm overdrawn at the bank again.  This is only the second time in 3 years, but still I was overdrawn $161.00.  That is a big chunk of money for a person on disability.  That could have paid off one of my medical bills. or I could have used that money to by my medication.  I was out of almost everything, so I paid $107 for my medications today.  My insulin alone cost $56.  

Can someone please explain to me why medication costs so much?!  It's not like the drugs I take are new or somehow magical.  The patents on them are long expired, and all my drugs are generic because that's how my insurance works.   

So, I did get my check today, and I paid my bills.  I couldn't make my usual payments, and have to make sure I have enough money to get by until next month.  I may need to put out a may-day call to my dad for $100 to get by until then.  I'm maxed out on my MasterCard and Visa, too.  I had a couple of manic days and did some online shopping.  I had a lot of fun, and got some really nice stuff at a good sale price.  I don't regret any of my purchases, presents are bought, and I am set for fall and winter.  I bought clothes that will take me season to season without a problem and can be considered classic pieces.

I guess I'm just making excuses, trying to justify my bad judgment in handling my money.  I really need to find a part-time job when I get back from Michigan.  I don't know what to do.  I should try to get a job with a nonprofit, as that is my education major.  It can only be part-time, because I am very uncertain about my mental stability as far as trying to balance everything.  

I guess I should run it by my therapist, see what she thinks.  I've only been on my new medication cocktail for a month now.  I don't want to do too much too soon.  I'll have to think on it some more.

We should be getting a cost of living increase in 2017 for disability payments.  But, I am getting a supplemental medical policy that will cost me $45 a month.  It will pay for the co-pays etc., that Medicare doesn't pay.  Hopefully, it will be worth the money. 

I went to the OB/GYN last Wednesday about my cramping.  I was convinced something was happening to me, like I had uterine cancer.  Fortunately, everything turned out normal.  I may be cramping due to low back problems.  I have been having some sciatic nerve pain, but I didn't know the pains were related.  I will wait until January to see an orthopaedic doctor.  I've had 2 back surgeries, so I know how it's going to go. First, physical therapy, if that doesn't work cortisone shots, then after all that I'm back in the operating room.  I hope that medicine has advanced enough since 2001, that all this can be done on an outpatient basis.

What I really need is to win the sweepstakes.  Just $10,000 would help me out beyond measure.  Of course, I want to win the multi-million dollar prize.  But, I am trying to remain slightly realistic.

Oh well, I'll count my pennies and say my prayers.  God is my provider, so He'll make sure I have everything I need.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Cigarettes

Okay, this time I mean it.  I am going smokeless.  I know I've said it before, and I've tried it before.  This time I have no choice.  It's quite simple, really.  I am flat broke.  I have no money until Wednesday.  That's when I get my disability check.  I'm already overdrawn at the bank.  I had to ask my mom for money today so I could get 2 of my medications.  I would be ashamed to ask her for cigarette money.
It's my own fault.  I went a little nuts this month with my spending.  I had a couple of manic days, and I like to shop online.  Everything was on sale, but still, I should have known better.  I have to be extra careful this month, because I even spent my savings.  I have nothing in reserve, and my credit cards are maxed out.  I feel so stupid.
I smoke Pall Mall menthol 100s at $4.31 a pack.  I smoke a pack a day, so that's around $25 a week. That means I could be saving $100 a month!!  I could use that money to buy something worth while, or put it in an emergency fund.  I am also trying to raise money for charity, so I think I should make the sacrifice.  Sure, I will be kind of crabby for a week or so, and my coffee won't taste as good.  But, I need to cut back on my caffeine as well.  Lately, I've been drinking 3 to 4 large cups a day.
My biggest problem is what to do when I'm bored.  I used to eat, now I smoke.  I'm down to 217 lbs, from a high in May of 265 lbs.  I still have a way to go to reach my goal weight of 175 lbs.  but I don't want to blow it.  I guess I'll have to break down and exercise.  I really hate exercise.  I like walking enough, but it's much better with someone else.  But, I don't have a dog or any friends still, so I guess I'll have to put on some tunes and hit the pavement.
I'm down to my last pack. There's about 16 cigarettes left.  Maybe I could ration them out.  Maybe I should try the patch again.  I'd try Chantix, but with my mental health I don't want to risk it.  I'm finally at a place where I feel so well.  I have been feeling great for the past 3 weeks.  At my last appointment, my psychiatrist made a medication change.  That, along with an attitude adjustment, has me feeling like a regular person.  I haven't had any panic attacks, or depression for a while.  It feels kind of weird but I like it.
My classes are going very well also.  I am sure I am getting an A in one class, and I have a strong B in the other as of midterms.  We just had a test last week, but it hasn't been graded yet, but I feel I did well.  I am not putting any pressure on myself to get straight As.  It would just be nice to do it.
I am also feeling pretty good, because I feel I have found my calling in the nonprofit world.  I started a petition on Change.org.  It's called "Make animal abuse a felony".  I am trying to get the legislature to make animal cruelty offenses a felony and punishable by serious jail time, instead of misdemeanor charges and fines.  I am also calling for a animal abuse registry, to keep offenders from ever having an animal in their care again.  So take a look on www.change.org and look for my petition to help end animal abuse.
My brother is coming down for Thanksgiving.  I'm very excited about it. I haven't seen him in 3 years.  We don't talk a lot as we have a complicated history.  But I love him very much and am really looking forward to spending some time with him.  Then, on December 13th, it's off to Michigan to see my dad!!!  I will be there for 3 weeks.  I am beyond excited.
Well, I guess that's all for now.  You'll have to excuse me, I'm not used to being happy.  So, I'm not sure what to write about half the time.  Most of my life has been turmoil, so these are new feelings for me.  I'll talk to you soon.  Peace, Joy, Love - B